#cantbeloved

i care about you so much.

i just cant show it.

i know you think im a heartless cunt, but im not. im far from it. i just turned off my emotions, and i really dont know how to turn them on when necessary . its really awkward for me to say i love you. or just to tell you i care about you and miss you. just a simple hug and i want to pull away. i honestly think its because im scared of feeling loved. i already feel too much as it is. i may treat you like shit, but i instantly feel bad. even if i dont say it. i swear im not trying to take advantage of you and walk all over you. youre my bestfriend and my sister . i do love you to death and youre one of the most important people in my life. its so easy to type it, but saying it is a whole other ball park.

i dont know whats wrong with me, im incapable of keeping a relationship with anyone because i cant let anyone love me. its like the second you act like you like me, i run. i get scared and run.  i guess the saying forever alone actually applies to me.

i care way too much about what people think. i dont even understand it, i cant help it. no matter how many times i said IDGAF it doesnt change the fact that i actually do give too many fucks. i pretend im happy to fit in. i pretend im sad cause i think then maybe someone will care, then i realize hardly any one cares most are just curious. but thats okay i guess, id rather not tell my story. sometimes, i forget what my story is, i forget what i felt when it started, i forget why i used to cut, i forget why i never genuinely smiled, i forget why i shut down my feelings.

but life never fails to help me remember why.