#cantablounge

Word Vomit

By scribe-of-unwritten-words

Word vomit. Two words that describe too many words that endlessly flow from a waterfall of stupid things that smart people say when they don’t know what to say. It is irony at best. Spew words you believe make sense in that moment and regret it that moment after.

I am a mass of word vomit that cannot be contained and when you contain me you constrain me into something that I am not.

I am not something.

The importance of my words mean nothing more than what you want it to mean, and when I mean nothing to you, I mean nothing to everyone.

Does that make sense?

It doesn’t make sense and yet it does in my head, I am screaming wall to wall, a congestion of words reverberating off of each other, bouncing around like knives piercing my brain.

When did I become insane?

Most of me believes that it happened before I could even conceive the notion of insanity, before I had even become wrapped up in my own vanity.

The narcissism is stupidly real, the ego unparalleled, and yet I think so lowly of myself.

Most days I cannot look you in the eyes.

So I stare down at the table and I spit out words that make me want to dig a deeper hole and fall.

Fall.

Keep falling.

I am always falling, never crawling up but always, ever always falling down.

But when I look up and see that your gaze has never shifted I stare back and I word vomit.

I throw up words that mean so much to me but mean so little to you and I watch myself die inside.

I feel pieces of me aching away with every wretched word I retch at you.

Why do I feel like no matter how much I breathe I cannot grasp enough oxygen when I am around you?

Not just you, but every tormented form of you.

So I keep vomiting words. They pour profusely from my mouth like a tide crashing over a broken shore, nothing able to stop its destruction. So I deconstruct.

And as I fall apart, a part of me continues to word vomit.

You hate that.