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The one good thing about American Thanksgiving as a resident alien Canadian who is blessed to not work retail is that it's a great time to go down a rabbithole and read an entire hockey romance book out of curiosity.
(Two days of time off in a row does NOT make up for the toxicity of work culture here, but boy did I enjoy it. Anyway.)
So here are a bunch of thoughts I have about Role Model, the book in the Heated Rivalry series that my library had available on Libby, arranged in an internet-friendly (TM) numbered list.
First it must be acknowledged that I read this book in less than 24 hours. It's quite fun!
WHY IS THE CENTAURS' MASCOT A BEAVER AND NOT THIS ABOMINATION
3. To me the most unrealistic thing about this book series is how respected and feared the Toronto hockey team is. I know the Leafs are doing better lately than my historical memory of the Leafs, but STILL.
3 a. Also, ugh, the Guardians? Really? Not the Loons, The Trappers, The Red Surge?? Surely there was more to do here.
3 b. Yes I am proud of thinking of Red Surge (IYKYK).
4. The romance in this is actually quite good and sweet and I enjoyed rolling my eyes and saying things like "Jesus, just tell you gay apple farmer how you feel already, Troy" throughout the book.
5. Ilya Rozanov appears as a sort of delightful, terminally snarky fairy godmother whose power is to instantly see through your bullshit. His bulletproof glass closet (literally takes the MC to a gay bar filled with current and ex players, all gay) actually makes a lot of sense, because no one believes bisexuals are real.
6. I respect any novel for trying to tackle the issue of sexual assault in the NHL, and the unfair power dynamic that exists between woman and players. However... one simply cannot do this when there are only TWO WOMEN in the book and neither of them are involved in that part of the plot!
7. If you are unfamiliar with this series you probably read point six and went "WHAT" so here is the premise of Role Model:
Toronto Guardians MVP Dallas Kent is anonymously accused of sexual assault by several women via Reddit. The league brushes off the allegations but our protagonist, Troy, does not. And then, because he just got dumped by his secret boyfriend, unloads at Dallas (until now his hockey BFF) in a team meeting, footage of which leaks online.
Troy is transferred to Ottawa as punishment, where he learns to become a better person, starts doing Instagram activism for victimes of sexual assault, meets and falls in love with the team's social media manager (the aforementioned gay apple farmer), comes out during a Pride night game back in Toronto and kind of adopts a dog. And everyone on the bus clapped.
8. Again, I should mention that I really liked most of this book, but as I realized it was moving into End Game mode I started to wonder how they were possibly going to have time to do anything with the sexual assualt plotline, even only as it relates to the MC (whom the league commissioner is personally threatens because of his Instagram posts). And the answer was.... they did not! Offscreen Troy starts making posts again. Several of the women go to the police, also offscreen.
9. Also left dangling was what I was sure was going to be an important plot thread where Troy's mom (Woman #1) tells him that part of not being an asshole is being friends with some women. We'll get into what I was hoping this could have meant later, but what it seems pretty OBVIOUS it should have meant is that Troy at least becomes pals with Woman #2 (team photographer Gen). At the end of the book I'm not sure the two of them have had a conversation that lasted more than two lines of dialogue/person.
10. I should not compare the hockey romance novel to Conclave except FUCK THAT I'M GONNA. Genre is not a prison! Romance novels can be as deep as they want to! Conclave is a bullshit airport thriller cloaked in fancy robes and look what it's doing!
Anyway, what I mean to say is I'm not opposed to a book that for an actual legimiate reason doesn't have a lot of women present, if their absence is something the art wants to meaningfully engage with!
I bring up Conclave because "the question of women" and gender politics are an inescable part of the story even when only men are present. In a book series that is doing a pretty decent job of recognizing ingrained homophobia it seems so shocking that the book never really peels back the next layer of the onion to look at how misogyny is just as intrinsic to this culture, and how the two fuel each other!
10 a. I think book apologists would at this point tell me that this is what Troy's mom's plotline is supposed to do. Troy's dad abruptly left her for a much younger woman before the start of the novel and makes some dismissive comments about the lying women trying to ruin poor Dallas.
10 b. And SURE. Troy's dad is an example of how our society in general does not value women, especially older women. BUT NEITHER OF THESE CHARACTERS ARE IN THE NHL MLH AND THUS HAVE NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT HOW MAJOR LEAGUE HOCKEY AND CELEBRITY SPORTS CULTRE, IN PARTICULAR, CONTRIBUTE TO THOSE ISSUES.
10 c. Also we never meet Troy's dad's new wife, which does feel significant somehow.
10 d. What I'm saying is that despite having a legitimate and sincere distates for Dallas Kent, the precious cinnamon roll Ottawa Senators are probably doing misogynist shit all the time! BUT HEAVEN FORBID THERE BE ANYTHING BUT CLEAR CUT HEROES AND VILLAINS IN THE RAPE CULTURE PLOTLINE.
11. Taking a levity break, I wonder who the author was thinking of when she created Troy's secret ex-boyfriend, Adrian De la Cruz, a Vancouver-based, closeted actor who plays a superhero on TV. I don't know enough about superhero TV for this but please leave your guesses in the comments.
12. What gets my goat is that I think all this was... if not perfectly fixable, able to be tackled in an interesting way within the plot the author has set up? Because, as you may remember above, Troy's great play for self-improvement and atonement after realizing his BFF is a rapist is posting on Instagram.
12 a. It would have been so easy to have one of the women Dallas assualted DM him.
12 b. Like, imagine you are one of these woman. You were, the novel suggests, probably assaulted at a party when you may have been too inebriated to consent (the details of the assuaults are very vague but some attention is drawn to Dallas's very loud very druggy house parties.) And the only person on your side is the WORST ASSHOLE on the Toronto Guardians, who was downstairs at every single party. Is this man and his stupid Instagram chairty donation bullshit not the perfect place to vent some of your anger at the un-fucking-fairness of all this?
12 c. Would Troy react well to this? Probably not because getting yelled at by strangers on the internet sucks! But maybe in one of the phone calls to his mom he could be encouraged to face his negative feelings head on and be brave about it. And maybe he could ask her to meet him to talk. Probably with a lot of prevaricating about how it is only if she wants to, and they'll be in public etc. etc.
12 d. And then maybe this book could have ONE named character who has experienced sexual assault express herself in her own words. And we could explicitly, head-on discuss one of the most interesting themes of the book: How the culture of the NHL pits all the people it hurts against each other.
12 e. An interesting thing about the book is that we are told that Troy believed the allegations against Dallas on first read. But we're never given any kind of why. What rang true to Troy? What comments about Dallas's hookups did he laugh off? What patterns of behaviour he reapeated elsewhere, and probably encouraged Troy to repeat with him, make too much sense here? Could've been a REAL INTERESTING conversation!
13. All of this would also have done a lot to help poor Harris (the gay apple farmer) whose side of this romance is mostly having self esteem issues about not being built like a hockey player, since it only takes like 4 chapters to learn Troy's not a homophobe and seems to be triying to be nice.
13 a. Like, I do not think it would spoil the fun if Harris hesitated a second here to be like okay this guy is nice to me and he is making these Instagrams but maybe I should want him to dig deeper before he upgrades to meeting the parents.
14. Anyway long story short I don't think Troy and this imaginary woman from his DMs need to become friends (though there could be something interesting there if handled well!), but maybe it could encourage him to do more than posting! Maybe he could go to an uncomfortable gala and get to be friends with its Exec Director, after she reads him the riot act a bit. Harris could come too and be proud of him for giving awkward opening remarks or something. MAYBE HE COULD BE ON A TEXTING BASIS WITH A WOMAN.
15. I should emphasize again, this book was quite pleasant! I would probably not write this much about a book that was just bad (looking at you, an entanglement of rival wizards. no I DON'T want to talk about it).
16. I'm reading one of her standalones now. It's about parental grief. The Toronto Team has a better name in this one, but it's still no The Red Surge.
17. Tagging @sinceyouaskedme since they... asked me.
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she stood, dark and tall, against the red flames, bending over a great black kettle, her blanket trailing behind her, her hair streaming on the night breeze—most like to one of the witches in Macbeth.
Hey hey hey, just wanted to tell you that everything you’ve written has been an absolute JOY to read. I was thinking about logan and how he’s from rimouski which is a kinda small town I think?for a prompt maybe logan is showing finn and leo around his hometown, where he grew up skating, and where he used to get into trouble and his highschool :)
Yikes, this one is LONG!! Apologies.
I LOVE showing people around my hometown, even though I don't get back much anymore. I feel lucky that I am always happy to go home, even if I could NEVER imagine living there permanently again, which is kind of how I think Logan feels.
I also did some research on Rimouski, just to get a feel for it. It's not a BIG city, but it's a port town, so it's fairly large. However, I have learned that a 'small town' means different things to different people, depending on where you're from. I'm from a 'small town'of 13,000 people, but there's a town next to me with 4,000. From what I understand, Rimouski has about 50,000 people. So for me, it's HUGE! But if you're from NYC or something, that's fairly small!
Enjoy some fluffity fluffy fluff!! All credits to @lumosinlove !!
TW: Mentions of nefarious activities, but no participation in said activities.
P.S. Thank you for the kind words, friend!! <3
“Finn!”
Logan watched as Finn laughed and was swept up into a hug by his sisters Sydney and Aubrey, all chatting excitedly as Logan and Leo stepped out of their rental car behind them. The flight from New Orleans was still in his muscles, and Logan stretched his arms over his head to relieve some of the tension. A hand came to rest on his lower back, and he squinted at Leo beside him, who was smiling softly.
“Salut, soleil,” Logan said gently. He reached up to twist the gray curls on the front of Leo’s forehead. “Ça va?”
Leo nodded, but his eyes were tense. “Yeah, just tired.” He flushed and looked over to where Finn had an arm around each of the girls and was still laughing. “A little nervous.”
“Regarde-moi,” Logan whispered, and lowered his hand to cup Leo's cheek. “They all love you, d'accord?” He leaned up to kiss Leo softly. “And most importantly, I love you.”
Leo nodded and took a deep breath. “Okay.” He kissed Logan quickly. When he spoke again, it was in French, which warmed Logan from the inside. “Okay, I love you, too.” He grinned. “Now let's get our bags before we get dragged away by your sisters.”
As if summoned, Sydney and Aubrey appeared behind Logan to dog pile him, and he rolled his eyes fondly as he turned to hug them. Noelle came put a bit more calmly, and Logan watched as she hugged Leo tightly. They were more familiar with each other, and Logan was grateful that she was providing him a warming presence. Still, the tension lingered in Leo's shoulders. Logan vowed to massage it out later.
“You ready to give those boys of yours a Canadian welcome?” Aubrey asked. It was reassuring, hearing his own accent after the whirlwind of adjusting to the French that Leo and his parents had spoken at home.
Sydney hummed in agreement. “Especially your Leo.” She patted Logan's shoulder. “At least he speaks more French than the redhead over here.”
“Hey,” Finn said. He’d crossed his arms and was pouting. Logan couldn't help but smile at him, gone on the way he looked standing on the steps and framed by his family home after so long. “I might not speak French fluently, but I can tell when you're talking about me.”
Sydney laughed and went over to scuff his head.
***
This was all he needed, Logan thought. They were in their rental car, Leo beside him in the passenger's seat, Finn in the middle row behind them. The wind was blowing their hair back from the open windows and they were laughing as Finn sang along horribly with the radio. The car had always been his safe space to be a little silly, a little dorky. He was earnest and fun all the time, but only Logan and Leo got to see him truly let himself go and indulge all those beautiful thoughts that were constantly running through his brain. Logan smiled at him in the rearview mirror and readjusted his hand on the steering wheel to reach over and place the other on Leo's thigh. Leo laced his fingers over the back of Logan's own.
“Allez,” Logan said, nodding out the window. “That's my old high school.”
He slowed down and pulled over so they both could see. He had taken Finn here years ago and they'd snuck around to the football field and laid out in the sun. The school itself was nothing remarkable, but Leo lit up ten different colors when he looked at it for the first time.
“Hey, sunshine,” Finn said, leaning over to rest his chin on Leo's shoulder over the back of the seat. He was smirking. “Ask Lo about what he got up to behind the bleachers.”
Leo laughed and looked at Logan in amusement. “Oh? What happened behind the bleachers?”
Logan bit his lip and rolled his eyes at Finn playfully. “Nothing awful. Just… the usual. Weed, booze-”
“Bad blow jobs.”
Leo barked out a laugh and Logan flushed. “Finn.”
“What? It's funny!”
Leo was still laughing when he squeezed Logan's fingers. His blue eyes were mischievous. “What'd you do? Get caught or something?”
“Non,” Logan said. His cheeks were burning. “I didn't even ask her! She offered to me because she had never- and I hadn't-” He huffed. “She just- her teeth.”
That made Leo laugh even harder, leaning back in his seat. Finn had his cheek on the headrest, smiling at Logan brightly. “Poor girl.”
“Was she okay?” Leo asked.
Logan nodded sheepishly. “Ouais, she was fine. It actually wasn't the last time we- well.”
Finn's eyes widened and he sat up. “Wait. Was she your- your first time, too?”
“She was nice. And she didn't care about the whole-” Logan waved his hand up and down. “-hockey thing. Lots of girls did, but she didn’t. She was first in our class and she was kind. We had history together, we got along.” He shrugged. “So we- you know. A few times. It was good, I guess.”
He smiled widely at Finn's narrowed eyes and leaned over to kiss him lightly. “Not as good as with you, don't worry, rouge.” He turned to nudge at Leo's cheek with his nose. “And your blow jobs are way better, soleil.”
Leo snorted. “I should hope so,” he said drily, but he accepted Logan's sweet kiss. “You make me practice a lot.”
Logan laughed and put the car into gear to pull away.
***
“Oh my God!” Leo gasped. He pulled his sweatshirt sleeves over his fingers. “This rink is way nicer than mine back home.”
Finn nudged him. “You're in Canadia, nutter butter. This is considered a shit-hole here.”
Logan tisked. “Non, rouge is telling lies.” He held the door to the stands open for them. “This is a nice rink. Lots of summer camps, and we've got gear for kids that can't afford it.”
Leo smiled softly as he took the ice in for the first time. “That's nice. I like that.” Without anybody there with them, he grabbed at Logan's hand to pull their bodies together. “Did you ever go to summer camp here?”
Logan reached up to play with the ends of his curls. “I coached them, mon coeur. The middle schoolers. The little kids.”
Leo's eyebrows raised. “Oh yeah?”
“Ouais,” Logan whispered. He took a quick look around before leaning up and kissing him. “I like little kids.”
“Don't say that here,” Finn scolded. He looked conflicted and his ears were red. “That’s grounds for public indecency in the bleachers.”
Leo and Logan laughed at him. Suddenly, a thought occurred to Logan, and he turned to Leo again with a smile.
“You know, soleil,” he said, leaning in. “I would’ve coached you at summer camp. In high school.”
Leo groaned and rolled his eyes. “You think you’re so funny.”
Logan just kissed his cheek. “Je t’aime.” He turned to Finn, who was watching them gently. “Ça va?”
Finn nodded. “Mm hm.” He brushed Logan’s hair out of his face. “I like you both with little kids.”
Leo snorted. “Nope, I still practically am one, according to this one,” he said, nudging Logan with his shoulder. “We are taking a rain check on this conversation.”
That didn't seem to deter Finn, who reached to play with Leo’s fingers, eyes bright. “So the conversation is happening.”
“Not yet, Fish, my Lord.”
“Not yet? Oh man.”
“Okay,” Logan interrupted with a laugh. “Allez, allez, let’s go. Home for dinner and maman is making cassoulet.”
***
Leo's laugh rang out across their backyard as he worked in the garden with Iva. They were- planting? Weeding? Picking? Logan didn't know what they were doing exactly, but he knew that he couldn't take his eyes off of Leo and the way he spoke French with his maman. His parents both loved Leo, but Iva had really taken to him because he was gentle and ready and willing to kneel in the garden with her. Logan's parents had started that garden when he'd gone off to college, and since then it had grown to an immense size. Most of their vegetables in the spring, summer, and fall came from that garden, and they spent Logan didn't know how much time and effort maintaining and caring for it. Leo's eyes had immediately got excited when he saw it, which Logan filed away in that folder in his brain for future reference. Leo deserved his own garden someday, Logan decided.
Behind him, through the screen door, his father’s soft, accented English mixed with Finn’s loud American, barking tone. They were mixing drinks, Logan assumed. Marius had invested in a bar cart the year previous, and Finn had been anxious and curious to see it. Logan could hear bottles clinking and their chatter. He felt at peace with their voices surrounding him, mixing with the cadence of the French that Leo and his maman were speaking.
“You know, Lolo,” Sydney said in French from beside him, peeking out over her sunglasses from where she was sat in an Adirondack chair. “I don’t think maman is going to let that Leo of yours go now that she’s got him in that garden.
Logan laughed. “Non, I don't thinks so either.” He sighed and settled against his own seat back. “I want to get him a garden some day.”
Noelle snorted. “You can’t just get people gardens, Lobear. You can buy land-”
“D’accord, you know what I meant.”
“Do you want to buy Leo land?” Aubrey asked suddenly.
Logan turned to stare at her. “Quoi?”
“I'm just saying…” She bit her cheek. Aubrey was quiet most of the time, and often struggled to find words. Logan related to her the most, in that respect. “I guess I'm asking if you see that. With him- and Finn.” She gestured with her hand. “The house, the garden, the future.”
“Oh,” Logan said, taken aback.
He had kind of thought that was a given, if he was honest. Leo and Finn were it for him, he knew it. They knew it, too, he supposed. They just seemed to talk about the future already assuming that they were forever. He'd never talked about it directly- not with them, not with anyone.
Aubrey's eyes were still watching him knowingly, but she was smiling. “Leo's so gentle and kind. He's so good to you, you know? Finn, too, he always has been.” She squeezed his arm. “They deserve you. Don't forget that you deserve them, too. We all want that for you.”
Logan took an inhale, lost for words. All three of his sisters, who knew him better than almost anyone, who wanted nothing but the best for him, were watching him carefully. He turned to face them.
“Merci,” he whispered. He felt his cheeks warm. “Thank you for saying that. I-” He huffed, a little frustrated, and they all looked at him amusedly. “Allez, you know.” He sighed. “I really missed you.”
Noelle laughed. “Look at our little Lolo. All grown up with his big feelings.”
He narrowed his eyes at his sisters as they all laughed. Sydney ruffled his hair. “We missed you, too.”
Logan turned back to watch Leo and Iva, who had moved onto some green looking vegetables. They were checking under the leaves- for worms, Logan supposed. He loved the way Leo's French mixed with his mother's. At first, when he heard Leo speak it for the first time, he hadn't been so sure. But now, he loved it as much as his own Quebecois accent. French meant his old home, where he was from. But mixed with Leo's voice, slightly Cajun from his parent's influence, it was home, too. Leo's French was his two worlds colliding and mixing and existing in the same plane- a new home with Leo and Finn. His forever home. Logan sighed and rested his chin on his hand to take in Leo's tan skin and blond curls.
Suddenly, a glass appeared in front of him and a hand rested on his upper back. Finn's voice was quiet in his ear. “Hi, baby. Brought you something.”
Logan tilted his head back and looked up at Finn, who looked so gorgeous with his hair pushed back slightly, more wavy from the summer humidity. He was smiling and kissed Logan’s forehead before shaking the glass. “Long Island iced tea. With peach iced tea to make it sweeter for you, sweet thing.”
Logan smiled and rested his temple against Finn’s hip. He took the glass from him. “Merci, rouge.” He took a sip. “Mm, it’s good.”
“Hey, freckle!” Noelle called from the end of the deck. She was looking at him over her sunglasses expectantly. “Where’s our iced beverages?”
Finn rolled his eyes but was grinning. “Your dad’s almost done. I had to make a special delivery.”
Noelle snorted and turned back to her book. Aubrey caught Logan’s eye with raised brows as if to say, See? Logan nodded at her and leaned into Finn’s touch.
Finn sighed from above him. “He looks so happy, doesn’t he? Le.”
Logan smiled at the way Leo took the basket of vegetables from his mother, waving her off with one hand as he walked over to the hose to wash them. She stood with her hands on her hips, caught them watching, and winked.
Logan held a hand up for Finn to take and played with his fingers. “Ouais. I was thinking…”
“You? Yikes, you feeling okay?”
Logan bonked his head against Finn’s stomach. “Fish, this is important.”
A kiss was dropped to his head. “I’m listening.” He bent to whisper in Logan’s ear. “God, I love your voice.”
Logan nudged his shoulder against Finn’s jaw gently and laughed, before settling down again. “I was thinking…” He let go of Finn’s hand to cup his jaw and look into his eyes. His beautiful brown eyes. “I was thinking that I want to get Leo space for a garden. Someday.”
Finn's smile was blinding. “Yeah?”
Logan nodded and traced his cheek. “Ouais. And maybe a bar cart. For you. And bookshelves with a library ladder. And a nice big kitchen for Leo. And a reading nook for the both of you.”
“And what'll you have?”
Logan flitted his eyes across Finn's face, then to Leo, who was washing carrots. He gripped Finn's hair and touched their temples. “I'll have you and Le.” He sighed shakily. “That's all I want.” He laughed. “Plus, I'll probably just follow you both around the house to wherever you are, anyways.”
Finn laughed into a brief kiss. “You lost puppy.” He regarded Logan carefully, still smiling. “I love you.”
“Je t'aime,” Logan sighed happily. “I love you so much.”
“Hey,” Leo's voice said softly. Instantly, they turned to look at him. He was smiling broadly and standing in front of them. He patted the basket in his arms. “Got some fresh veggies. Y'all want a platter with some dip? I could whip some up.”
“Yes, please,” Sydney said. “And some iced cold beverages, too, please O'Hara.”
“On it.”
Finn and Leo each passed a hand through Logan's hair before going inside. He sighed and tilted his face up towards the sun.
***
Later, Logan was watching Finn and Leo get ready for bed with a warm feeling in his chest. Leo's chest was still damp from his shower, and Logan’s eyes followed a water droplet down his happy trail and to the hem of his boxers. Finn must have noticed, too, because he brushed his thumb over the wet mark and licked some of the water on Leo's collarbone. Leo laughed and nudged Finn slightly, but Finn just leaned up and kissed his cheek. Logan suddenly felt a desperate wanting to have them beside him.
“Ici,” he said.
Finn's eyes on his were playful. “What? You getting jealous?” He walked over and flopped down on Logan. “I'll lick you, too, if you want. Watch.”
Logan laughed. “Non, non, rouge-”
But it was too late. Finn had bent his head to lick up Logan's stomach, running his tongue across his own happy trail before settling his chin against Logan's chest. “Don't lie, baby, you like being licked.”
Logan just traced the purple under his eyes with his thumbs. He looked up to Leo, who was putting his dirty garden clothes in the laundry hamper. “Soleil, ici.”
“I'm coming, sweetheart.” He dug around in his suitcase for a second before holding up a book. “Just getting my book out for bed, honey.”
Logan sighed and leaned against Leo's side as he sat down. “I have to tell you something.”
“Okay,” Finn said. He ran a hand up and down Logan's ribs. “Are you okay, baby?”
Logan nodded. He pushed Finn's hair back and settled underneath the arm Leo rested across his shoulders. “I just- I have something to tell you.”
Leo kissed his temple. “What is it, sweetheart?”
Logan took a deep breath. He pressed his cheek to Leo's shoulder, cool from the shower water, and cupped Finn's freckled face in his hands. “You do know that you're forever for me, oui?”
Finn's eyes closed and Leo's breath hitched against his shoulder. They were waiting for him to continue, and he didn't want to keep it in any longer.
“I need you to know that,” he said. He bent to kiss Finn's forehead, then tilted his head up to press his lips to Leo's jaw. Leo's eyes were blue and wide like jewels. “You're it for me. You're forever. There's- there's nothing after you, d'accord? Nothing. I love you too much for there to be room for anything else.”
Leo breathed shakily into his hair. “Oh.”
Logan nudged his cheek with his nose. “Soleil, do you understand? You're it, mon coeur.” When Leo nodded, biting his lip, Logan turned to Finn, who still had his eyes closed and his mouth resting beside Logan's nipple. “Rouge. Rouge do you understand?”
When Finn's eyes opened, they were warm and watery. “I've wanted to have you forever since the day I met you.” Logan's breath hitched as Finn adjusted himself to straddle his thighs. He cupped Logan's jaw firmly, a tear catching on his eyelashes before falling down his cheek. “You've been my forever since you walked into that stupid frat house with that backwards hat. I have loved you every second I've known you, baby. Every single second. And you.” He turned to Leo and smiled in that way him and Logan both did when they caught sight of those baby blues. “You were the most unexpected, beautiful gift the NHL ever gave me. I love to play hockey, sunshine, but I was made to love you. To love both of you.” His tears were falling a bit more freely now, and he brushed the ones that were falling from Leo’s eyes away with his thumbs. “Don’t you ever doubt that, Le, baby. We were made to love you.”
“Ouais, mon coeur,” Logan whispered. He tucked his face into Leo's neck and breathed his scent in deeply. “We love you so much.”
Leo nodded, but he was still sniffling. He tried to speak, but his breath only hitched with a light sob. When his shoulders started shaking, Finn moved away from Logan to settle on top of his lap and hold him. “Oh, Le, baby, it's okay. It's okay, sweetheart.” He kissed the side of Leo's head. “We love you so much.”
“I'm so sorry,” Leo got out. He leaned back to look at Finn and drew Logan close to him. “I'm sorry, it's just- I mean- I just don't know what to do without you. I'm barely an adult, and I don't know what I’d do without you, and I- it's just a lot. I just love you so- so much.”
Surprisingly, that made Finn laugh. “You're so pretty when you cry, you know that?”
Leo just groaned and pinched Finn's hip. “I just mean… I'm still nineteen. Most people don't find their forever at nineteen, or know what that forever feels like. And just- I'm younger but it doesn't feel that way? We're in love, and we live together, and I'm nineteen, and I-” He took a pained breath. “You two- you're too permanent for this to go sideways and have me come out on the other side okay.”
Logan sucked in a breath. “But that's not going to happen, d'accord?” He twisted to kneel up beside them both, taking Leo's face in his hands and looking down at him. “You’re forever, mon soleil. This is it.” He kissed his wet cheeks. “You found us, mon chou. You, okay? Finn and I felt okay to love each other because of you, because we also get to love you.”
“Lo's right,” Finn said. He took Leo's hand and kissed it. “There's no us without you. We are not anything if you're not here, too, okay, baby? I am meant to love you both or nothing at all, there's no in between.”
“Ouais,” Logan whispered. “I love you both, or nothing at all.”
Leo nodded and looked at them each carefully, lovingly. “I love you more than anything. Anything at all.” He shrugged and smiled softly. “Besides, finding you at nineteen means lots and lots of years together.”
Logan smiled widely. “Ouais. Ouais, you're right, it does.” He kissed Leo, then Finn, then flopped down onto Leo's chest with a grunt. “That was so much English.”
Finn and Leo both laughed loudly and Finn crawled over to rest on Leo's other side. “I don't think you've talked that much ever.”
Logan threw and arm across to tug at Finn's hair. “I needed you to know.”
“Mm,” Finn hummed into Leo's neck. He reached for the book Leo discarded. “Want me to read to you? Let’s see how many books we get through in forever.”
Leo leaned down to kiss him. “Yes, please.” He scooted further down the pillows and closed his eyes. “Your voice puts me to sleep. Like a lullaby.”
Finn grinned at Logan and winked before turning to gaze at Leo's relaxed face. “Oh yeah? Well, get ready, baby, because this lullaby is forever.”
Leo sighed contentedly and wiggled closer to both of them. Logan closed his eyes, too, tucked against Leo's chest. Finn's voice reverberated around his childhood bedroom, the place where Logan dreamed of having him forever, the place that he got to bring Leo to for the first time knowing he was forever. That they both were. The sheets were warm around his torso, Leo's chest heating up as he drifted off. Logan sighed and sank against Leo's skin, against the hand Finn had resting on his hip. He couldn't wait to wake up. There'd be a Cup parade, his family with him, the hot summer sun and the French conversation surrounding him on the main street. But for now, Logan was sleepy and sated, the most important things in his life were in his bed, and he was safe and sound and so, so in love. Logan took a deep breath and basked in his forever.
