You know, I just really want to get something off my chest.

I’ve been on such an emotional roller coaster ride lately, but the problem is, is that most people I would normally talk to are too involved in the situations.  I really feel like I should be balling my eyes out at some of it, and yet nothing has come yet and this has me worried, worried for the simple fact that I feel like one little thing would set me off.

Some of you may know that I had an argument with a friend at the start of the year.  He insulted me and I confronted him in what I thought was the best manner at time (via text), to which I never got a response.  Ten fucking years of friendship and not a single response back.

This isn’t even the kicker though.  The kicker is, is that our two other good friends, have suddenly almost gone completely silent on me too.  One never talked a lot anyway, we just kind of always had a mutual friendship where we knew each other cared, and we’d check in with each other every now and then.  The other was always a talker, still wasn’t too regular, but more than the other and someone that I thought I could turn to when things got rough.

Now, I asked her at the the start of the week if she wanted to meet for coffee, and it wasn’t for two days that I got a response.  She was away, so I accepted it, but when she said that she couldn’t this week, that she was too busy, that hurt.  She is well aware of what happened between the other friend and I, just as they are all aware of how much losing a friend upset me last time.

But, I just left it with her.  Get back to me when you are free.

I think the real kicker with all this is that I don’t know whether to be angry or disappointed about it.  These people were meant to be those that I considered my best friends over the last couple of years.  Again, I feel like I should be crying and yet nothing has happened yet.

Now, I’ve talked to my parents about the whole thing and they are mad on my behalf too, but the problem is, is that they never really liked them (the one in particular) anyway.  So I feel trapped and unable to vent properly.

I have a small amount of other friends, but they are all involved in some way or the other, they all know them in some way or the other, even other close family know, and I just really don’t know how to talk about this properly.  I just got a new job and the last thing I want to do is just snap randomly over something like this.  I suffer anxiety at the best of times, which does occasionally trigger my depression too, and I just don’t want to go down that road.  This fucking hurts and I don’t know what to do about it.

On top of the friend drama, I also have family drama.  Now, my mother and grandmother have never had the best relationship, but now it’s literally at the tipping point again.  They haven’t talked since Christmas.  They called me to wish me luck in the new job, but they refused to talk to Mum.  Nothing has happened, I just don’t get it, because I know Mum will get the blame and it breaks me apart when I see Mum get down like that.

My Uncle went in for a major operation, but again, we only found that out because I asked.  I only know how he is going because I asked him.  My grandparents have told us nothing.  They didn’t even have the decency to tell us when he was going back to Queensland in the first place, so I only saw him at Christmas and no other time.

This whole thing just makes me want to strangle something.

I’m tired.  It’s emotionally exhausting to think that my friends don’t care and never cared, and that my family is too caught up in their own fucking personal worlds that don’t care either.  It makes a girl want to run away.

I’m going to be studying and working soon, the last thing I want is all this crap going on too, I just feel like I’ve got no one to talk to about it, not in a way that they could give advice that would actually be comforting.  I don’t even know if my friends are on speaking terms with me anymore, and I know there is no point in talking to my family because they would just fucking deny it.