#cameron dolan

His hand didn’t reach her in time as a car knocked her over and into the windshield and the sound of shattered glass echoed in the half-empty street. Her body rolled over the top, falling with a sickening crack on the road, blood splashing on his face in the process; her blood. The warm droplets had made his mind stop working, the scene before him unwinding in slow motion as the horror sets in.

The sound of her body breaking disintegrating his very soul as his legs bring him toward her motionless figure on instinct.

His hands tremble, his throat choked up. He couldn’t even call out her name from shock, desperate to feel her pulse. That quick, barely palpable pulse on her wrist had given him a splinter of hope, some sort of rope to keep himself afloat.

Grayson fumbles with his own fingers, his vision turning blurry and his focus erratic. It’s as if every time he blinks, he only sees bits and pieces; the blood pooling from her head onto the fresh snow – white being more crimson with each passing second, her unnaturally bent elbow visible through the sweater his mother bought her as her coat remained inside the restaurant they were dining at minutes ago, the large piece of glass stuck in her left thigh, her right hand’s fingers moving in a spasm. 

He doesn’t even know how or when, but the next time he blinks, the very fingers that moved in a shock pattern are now intertwined with a different set of fingers - big, beefy ones and with a large ring on the index finger, his fingers he realizes. He’s holding her hand now. 

Sounds around him are muffled, his heartbeat and faint screaming being the only thing he hears. The screaming just won’t stop, bringing about a sense of anger and irritation that bubbles to the surface until Grayson is finally able to engage with the world. 

He looks around with his bewildered eyes, trying to pinpoint the source, but everyone’s standing in silence, awaiting the ambulance. His throat begins to hurts, turning scratchy and raw. That’s when he realizes the truth - he’s the one that’s been screaming all along.

Closing his eyes, Grayson wishes nothing more than to black out. To trade places with her would be his greatest wish come true. If he could make a deal with God and get him to swap their places, he’d do it in a heartbeat. But his silent prayer goes unanswered as he’s been yanked backward by his shoulders.

Snapping his eyes open, it’s like the world is back into focus and the sounds are deafening, the flashing lights blinding him.

“Step aside sir! We can’t help her if you don’t let go!” A voice of reason forces Grayson to focus, realizing it’s the paramedics that are pulling him away from her, trying to take care of her. 

Against the wishes of every cell in his body, every damn atom and molecule, Grayson’s hand opens and his fingers untangle themselves from hers. Her hand remains on the wet concrete, alone and no longer twitching. It’s as if she too had let go and it makes his legs weak, cracking under the pressure of his weight - both physical and the one that’s on his heart, growing by the minute.

“SIR! Were you injured as well?” The paramedic rushes to Grayson, shining a bright light in his eyes as Grayson shakes his head meekly.

“She’s the love of my life. I…I…I can’t...” Grayson’s words are moving, but not what puts him as a priority next to Y/N and the driver who stumbled out of his car to get some help too.

“He’s in shock.” The paramedic turns to the pair working on Y/N, joining them to make it faster.

“Take him with us.” One of them orders as they move Y/N to the gurney in one swift, well-coordinated move. 

They strap her body in and move her into the ambulance before the paramedic returns and grabs onto Grayson’s elbow, helping him to his feet. Moving quickly, Grayson is all but pushed into the vehicle and into the seat beside Y/N. He can barely look at the damage done to her once perfect body. She always fought him on that opinion, but he never budged. Now her skin is tainted with blood and dirt, cracked open with tubes and wires and bandages covering more skin than Grayson believed she had. Her beautiful neck is hidden with a neck brace, no longer his to kiss or touch.

“Do you know if she has any allergies?” They ask him, snapping him back to reality once more.

“Ibuprofen. It gives her a rash.” Grayson responds, looking back at the hand that twitched before and the diamond ring that still remained on her finger. She wasn’t a big fan of diamonds, but Grayson always thought an engagement ring should be a diamond. She liked flowers, so he made sure it was a flower-themed ring and the surrounding jewels weren’t those hateful diamonds but sapphire. 

“Any chance she could be pregnant?” The question itself makes Grayson stiffen and the ever-growing lump in his throat closes his airway for a split second.

“No.” His answer is unwavering, confident and without a doubt. After all, it’s a part of the reason they fought.

“Any medication she’s currently using?” Grayson shakes his head, looking to his hand only to see it tainted with the blood of the one he holds closest to his heart. His hand is so cold without hers to keep, shaking like they too are scared they won’t ever have peace.

“Name?” 

“Y/N Y/L/N.” That’s all they ask before the ambulance comes to a stop and they usher her out and toward the emergency room.

Grayson runs after them, unsure how his led legs are even moving let alone running, but he does. His tunnel vision is focused only on the gurney, his mind unable to let her go. However, once she’s passed those double doors, he finds himself held back from her for the second time this night and the only thing he can’t think of is to call his brother.

“Ethan, it’s me...Fuck, it’s bad. Ethan, it’s really fucking bad and I don’t know what to do.” Grayson feels himself crumble, his sanity along with it. He’s got no more strength left in him anymore when the tears push for their release. He just lets them flow, not breaking their trail. 

“I messed up and now she...I’m scared she’ll die.” His chest constricts painfully and for the first time in month he felt like he was trying to breathe through a plastic bag and Grayson is forced to grab his inhaler to clear his airway.

Keeping up a conversation with Ethan who clearly already got in his car and started his road to him, Grayson managed to keep his heart beating for a while longer. It strained with each pump of blood in his chest, ached as if it carried toxins instead of oxygen. When he started to cry, there was a rawness to it, like the pain was an open wound and no one in the waiting room was left untouched by his emotion. He clasped onto his knees, his face hidden in the space between his knees and chest, rocking himself as a way to comfort his soul.

There was nothing he could do but wait. Wait and remember what his life became when she took him by the hand.

“Need some help?” Grayson closed the door of his Porsche, stopping for a girl who had her head stuck inside the hood of an old car he wasn’t sure even worked anymore - with or without the help of a mechanic, that thing seemed dead. It’s the last thing he thought he’d be doing on his way to Las Vegas where his brother and friends await, but he couldn’t bring himself to just drive by.

“More like a new car.” The girl giggled, ducking back out for fresh air with a genuine smile on her lips. She faced Grayson and for a moment breathing became difficult. His heart reacted to her like jumping from a cliff head first and he knew then and there he’d always seek that thrill.

“I’m joking, big guy.” She rolled her eyes playfully at the dumbfounded look on Grayson’s face, noticing he froze and struggled to speak. Part of her couldn’t believe it’s her who caused a man like HIM to forget his name, but another felt oddly at ease with the possibility. He looked like a snack and she was sure he’d taste just as well. If she knew her spur of the moment trip to Las Vegas would end with having her cheap rental break down in the middle of the desert only for a hottie like him to show up as her knight in shiny armor, Y/N would have at least dressed up a little better.

“You good?” She stepped closer, her smile turning into a smirk. Grayson took her in, using the proximity as an advantage. He could drown in her beautiful Y/E/C eyes, go blind with her pearly whites flashing him with a smile, but most of all, he was sure he would completely and utterly fall for her with that speck of grease on her left cheek that had reddened in a span of seconds after his staring begun.

“Perfect.” Grayson breathes out. Saying it felt just as right as he ever thought it would. The Psychic twins told him he hadn’t met his soulmate yet, but he’d know when he did for his heart will finally be whole again. It wouldn’t have doubts, his mind would surrender to the heart’s desire and nothing else will matter.

That’s how he feels now.

“I’m gonna call road service then.” She pursed her lips, a little confused with his reactions because there wasn’t a single deduction to be made from his actions.

“Mind if I wait with you?” Grayson walked after her, clicking his car to lock over his shoulder.

“Um, not to be rude, but why? I’m just a stranger.” With a raised brow, Y/N turned to see the handsome man who was too eager to stand in the desert sun with a girl he didn’t even know.

“I’m Grayson Dolan.” He took out his wallet and his ID, showing it to her until she chuckled.

“Not strangers anymore.” He points out, smiling widely until she gives him a short nod in response.

“Guess not. You’re welcome to join me in the scorch.” She gave him the ID back, sitting on the hood of her car with a sigh.

“Oh, I’m Y/N. In case you’re wondering.” She told him, making him facepalm at the realization that he hadn’t asked her about it. She held out her hand for him to shake, feeling the spark once he took it without a second to waste.

“A name to remember.” 

“Grayson?” Nudged to reality, Grayson lets his head go free and his hands fall to his stomach. Looking up, he finds his brother and a doctor next to him.

“Y-yeah.” Taking a hand Ethan offered him, Grayson stands up, feeling as if his legs would collapse any moment now.

“Y/N’s out of surgery. We’ve had to do a lot of damage control, but she was very lucky.” The doctor begins to explain, alleviating some of the pain that crushed Grayson into a ball of hurt.

“She suffered major head trauma and although there’s no more bleeding, the swelling is minimal but present. We purposely keep patients with traumatic brain injuries in a comatose state in order to calm their system and allow the brain time to heal itself while the swelling subsides. And then we slowly wean them off it. She might have some neurological difficulties at first, amnesia even. I’m confident the issues can be resolved with time and support. I hope you can provide that.” The doctor’s statement makes Grayson nod vehemently, his hands subconsciously wiping away tears that broke free with the relief.

“We had to remove her spleen as well, readjust her elbow fracture, stitch up the cut on her leg, but everything else looks fine.”

Y/N’s alive. He would have done anything to hear the words. Anything. No matter what the consequence may be, he promised himself he’d stay and fight for her, with her. 

“You and me against the world? I like the sound of that.” Grayson whispered against her cheek, pecking her between each and every word. He loved touching her, always, even if it was as innocently as a kiss on her cheek. 

“Yeah. I don’t think there’s anything in this world that would make me quit you. I don’t ever want to be away from you.” Y/N nuzzled into the crook of his neck, her cold nose making his chest tighter as his heart jumped with the sudden iciness on his warm skin. But he liked being her human heater, knowing there was always comfort he could provide her.

“I know the feeling. From the moment we met, I just knew. I knew you were mine and I’d be yours until my heart no longer beats and my lungs no longer work. Even dead, my soul would search for you.” Grayson wraps his arms around her, pulling her in, closer; as close as possible.

“Cheesy.” Y/N chuckles, letting him form a protective cocoon around her body. She liked him touching her, even if it was just to embrace her when she’s cold. Even if it was as simple as hooking their pinkies together.

“Only for you.” Grayson’s smile could be heard, not just seen. He craned his neck, enough to peck the tip of her cold nose and brush his against it for friction as friction meant warmth. 

Little things, they always mattered more to her than anything else. 

Little things, Grayson reminded himself as he tried to keep himself awake by her side. He sat in the uncomfortable chair by her bed, holding her no longer twitching fingers in the palm of his hand for warmth. He’d change sides, making sure both hands were warm and she could feel him. He needed her to know she’s not alone and he’s right beside her as he promised. That he’s waiting. That he’ll always be waiting.

**

Hours passed and nothing changed. Y/N’s eyes remained closed and her lips still haven’t moved in an effort to speak. She had wires coming in and out her skin, the machines she’s hooked up to are rather loud with their continuous beeping. He thought she might wake by now, if not for him then to rant about how loud those machines are. She always liked her sleep more than anything in the world.

“Gray, if that alarm rings a third time, I swear I’ll smash your phone with a hammer.” She grunted, pushing Grayson blindly with one hand, pulling the duvet over her head with the other.

“You can’t seriously already be pissed,” Grayson mumbled, sighing as he sat up in a daze, looking toward his phone that remained forgotten on the dresser instead of his nightstand.

“It’s not even seven, Grayson!” She replied bitterly, proving just how much mornings annoy her and waking up too early because of an alarm that wasn’t even hers? She was ready to set the house ablaze.

“Yeah, well, you’re missing out on some bomb-ass morning sex here!” Grayson teased, rushing to shut the alarm off when it started up again only to hear her mumble under the blanket.

“You’ll still rock my world at eleven when I know breakfast is waiting!”

Chuckling to himself, Grayson thought he might be going mad. He’s barely slept and his worries for Y/N have played tricks on his mind. He was supposed to be putting on his suit, sweat profusely as he panicked about forgetting his vows. He was supposed to be in a church where their family would wait to see the vision in white she’d be, to wait for her to walk down the aisle as he teared up inevitably.

Today was supposed to be a happy day, not this! Not him being half out of his mind, wondering if his fiancé will ever wake up.

Hours turned into days and days into weeks. Two weeks – that’s how long Grayson waited for them to lower her medication enough for her to wake up. They said it could happen in a few hours or a few days, but one thing he knew, there was no way he’d move until she opened her eyes.

“You know…I’ve been thinking about how insignificant it really is…what we fought about. Nothing really matters to me without you. There are always options we could explore, but this? Not having you roll your eyes at me when I’m saying something as dumb as I did last night, or chuckling when I make a complete fool out of myself to make you smile…this is the worst thing. And I love you. I do. I never regretted meeting you or being with you and I hate myself because that’s the last you’ve heard me say.”

Eyes raw and blind, a warmth weighed on her chest, her lungs buttery soft. How soft and meaningless everything seemed now. Without reins, without direction, she felt like a ghost. But his voice was silver, a flame of white and frost. Her body wanted to follow, but something else got involved. A searing pain gripped her throat, ripped her from the light she so desperately craved and wrenched her back into the distortion of an eternal night. Her mind turned as she struggled to move forward, her soul still bound to her body as long as she’s alive. She could only ever listen in the past hours, but now? She couldn’t wait to properly pull on her heavy eyelids and see who this silver flame belonged to.

Almost instantly, Grayson noticed her eyelids fluttering. He noticed the slight spike in her previously steady heartbeat and her fingers began twitching in his hand.

“Y/N, love? It’s okay, I’m here. I’m with you.” Grayson’s voice is shaky, undeniably mirroring his chest as it fought a sob from forming. He couldn’t cry now. He couldn’t worry her now. She needed to see he didn’t give up on her and that he’d be there – holding her hand, just as she held his.

But nothing could prepare Grayson for the moment Y/N truly opened her eyes and looked at him without any emotion, void of all he loved about her eyes. In fact, he could have sworn she looked fearful in her confusion.

“Y/N? Babe, are you in pain? Should I get the doctor?”

Her chest became a little tighter, breathing more difficult and she craved solitude and familiarity. But when she spoke, that’s when he felt his heart split into two.

“I’m sorry, do I know you?”

**

Outside, looking in. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling for Grayson. He watched his fiancé interact with her parents and doctors. She was warm with them. She touched them. She let them touch her.

When she’d look at Grayson and Ethan, there was nothing there but mild curiosity and slight awkwardness. She didn’t seem to recognize him, truly. She was court with him, but nothing more than that. Hell, she was warmer, charming, and more open the day they met for the first time than now and Grayson couldn’t pretend he wasn’t hurt by it. She didn’t touch him. She’d retract when he tried to touch her. He felt like he’s the one harming her now. He felt like a complete stranger before her and the feeling left him desolate.

“Not gonna lie, if it sucks this much for me, I can’t even imagine how you feel,” Ethan spoke, saddened when his partner in crime didn’t go for their usual greeting upon seeing him. She politely introduced herself and asked if he was important to her. Ethan laughed at her question. He genuinely laughed for he assumed it was an elaborate prank to get back at him for bringing a stripper to Grayson’s bachelor party. Shaking his head before leaving, hoping to hide a few tears that slipped past his defenses, Ethan left the room and hasn’t been back inside since. In many ways, she was his best friend and now? She would forget him without sparing him a second glance.

“What am I supposed to think about this, E? She happens to forget the past three years and up to a month before she met me? She forgot every moment of her life where I mattered. It feels like her brain just erased me.” Grayson dragged his palm across his face, unaware of the lost girl who stole a glance at the disheveled, sad-looking man she woke up to. She remembers him as the silvery voice, the man who brought her to the light. But that’s all she can remember and it frustrates her beyond belief.

And he wasn’t the only one she seemed to have lost. At least ten other people she saw in the past few hours have all been strangers to her. Strangers who know her, care for her, even love her. She was scared of those who loved her, unable to deal with the intensity of their emotions. How is she supposed to just sit there and smile when she had no emotional attachment to any of them at all?

Emotions are created with memories. What are we if not a reflection of all we’ve lived and felt? Of all those little moments and big moments that we reminisce about as time passes? Doesn’t it take the very essence of who someone is? That’s what Y/N questioned as she looked back at the man who was meant to be her fiancé. Wasn’t he supposed to be a part of who she is? The very part she no longer possesses? Who is he to become without the support of who she was for him?

“I think you need to give her time. Take her home when the time is right and until then…just be the guy she fell in love with. Bring pictures, dig around for that diary she’s been writing, movies you’ve seen together. Talk to her like you did when you met her. Use whatever you did to win her over again – just until she remembers. Although, if I were you, I’d pray she doesn’t remember that fight.” Ethan patted Grayson’s shoulder, leaving him for he too was desperate and heavy and he too needed to rest his mind and body.

“Pictures…movies…sure…as if I know why the fuck she ever decided to love me. Easy….FUCK.”

**

“Hey.” Grayson walked into the guest bedroom with a small smile on his face, hoping his charm would work and she’d feel more at ease. While he can’t help but admit it hurt him terribly, he agreed with Y/N and her request to take the guest bedroom for now. She didn’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with him and he had to respect that. While he knew her for years, she only knew him for a month.

“I brought you some clothes.” He placed the folded clothes on her bed – her favorite sweats and her favorite hoodie he owned. She loved to take his hoodies, as cliché as it seems. But when no amount of pictures and videos or movies help your fiancé get her memories back and a month has passed, a man turns desperate enough to give his hoodies instead of teasing her when she steals them.

“Why do you always steal my hoodies? We live together? I don’t mind!” Grayson laughed as she pulled at the cotton fabric he tried to hold onto while she wanted to rip it from his hands.

“It’s just not the same! Okay? Feels much comfier when I steal it from you!”

“Oh? Thanks.” She plastered on a smile on her lips as well, trying not to make things more awkward than they already are. She tried to remember him. She really did. She hoped she’d manage to pull at any memory from the past three years, but she got nothing in return but a horrible headache in return and that discouraged her from trying as much.

When she first realized her condition, especially that her family didn’t seem too fond of Grayson, Y/N wondered why the hell she remained with him. When the doctor told her to go back to her normal life, she thought of college and Archer and her old, very pink room. But when Grayson reminded everyone her normal life and routine was with him, she had to agree to give it a try. The doctors told her that in time, her memory would improve.

But then she’d look at this huge hunk of a man and wonder why he wanted her. She’d wonder what happened for her to be with someone who seemed to be a celebrity of sorts – a man who was not only famous and rich, but incredibly handsome and charming. Yet, she didn’t see the connection they could have made. Sure, she never wanted for anything in her life, but when she was old enough to understand the concept of money, she always hoped to make her own way in the world. But a part of her didn’t understand why she ended up dating a man who looked fit for models instead of college students. And then she’d remember she’s no longer a college student. She’s no longer dating Archer Bradford and she’s no longer living in a dorm in New York City.

“I’m kind of hungry.” She pressed her lips together as his smile grew, beckoning her to stand up and follow him.

“I can fix that.” The moment she walked into the kitchen, she felt overwhelmed by the smell of food Grayson clearly prepared beforehand. And judging by the way her eyes widened at the sight of a pot roast, Grayson knew her favorite meal certainly didn’t change.

“My mom made this for you. She remembered it’s your favorite.” Grayson smirked at her, giving her a full plate. It took a lot of convincing to stop his mother or siblings or any of their friends from organizing a party for her. After all, she didn’t remember them now and to bring her into a house she can’t remember with a dozen strangers all crying and hugging her? Grayson knew better than that.

“So, can I run a few things by you? I’ve committed some of them to memory.” Once he gave her a nod of approval, Y/N started with questions. Some of the things she knew, some she assumed.

“We were supposed to get married the day after I had the accident?” She questioned and his smile fell.

“Yeah. Had the dress and tux, a venue…the whole thing. I even wrote my vows.” Grayson swallowed thickly, feeling the vows he had written burn a hole in his wallet. He hid them behind her picture, the one Ethan took when she agreed to marry his brother.

“And I’m a nurse practitioner, right?” However, his silence made her frown.

“I didn’t get my nursing degree?!” She exclaimed, upset over the fact. She had promised her parents she’ll get her nursing degree first and then, once she got a proper scholarship, she’d aim higher – for a medical degree but one that wasn’t paid by them.

“You had a few classes left before you decided to travel the world with me. You said you needed more adventure in your life, a new perspective after you cut ties with your old life and you left everything behind for a year abroad with me and Ethan. You worked as our assistant because you didn’t want to feel like a financial burden.” Grayson filled her in, but she didn’t understand. She couldn’t understand how the responsible person she feels she is, could have ever walked away from education to follow a hot guy around the world.

“Oh.” She fell silent after that, eating the food before retreating to her room. Each person is a summary of all their memories – but what happens when those memories are gone and you’re lost?

**

“She’s still not remembering anything?” Ethan asked, getting a backhanded slap on his shoulder from Cameron.

“Look, it’s a win. She doesn’t remember the reason why she was in that accident or that you two probably would have broken up. I’m just worried that she might not fall back in love with you again.” She stated, raising her arms in mock surrender when both brothers decided to glare daggers her way.

“What? It’s true! I have no fucking clue how you won her over the first time and this was like…years ago. You’re not getting any younger or cuter, bro. Just saying.” Cameron took a shot, downing the negativity with the burning liquor, seeing Grayson is seriously losing hope.

“She brought a cat home the other day. She left to register for college again, and she brought a cat home.” Grayson let his head fall on the bar, groaning. “Do you know how it felt to see the light in her eyes die when I told her I was allergic and she couldn’t keep it?”

“Broooo”, Ethan slapped his back. “Wake up and stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself. Just…stop trying so fucking hard and be yourself. She’ll love you again.”

“What if she never remembers me?” Grayson retorted, genuine fear laced in his voice. It feels as if he had already lost her and a big part of him believes he doesn’t deserve to have her back. He doesn’t think he should be with someone as amazing as she is…not when he had brought this all upon them. He had done this to her and the guilt of his words and actions that night…that’s going to destroy him.

“She’s going to remember you. She’ll remember all of us. We’re her family.”

Grayson nodded, looking down at the bottom of his glass, hoping this amnesia thing doesn’t last. But if it does, he was aware it was karmic justice. He had the world, the rarest of loves, he lost it all in a single night of careless anger. He always had issues controlling his anger and the things he’d do or as when his temper flared up. Grayson knew early on his blinding rage had to be bound by something – it’s when he started waking up early, doing yoga or boxing, sometimes when he felt himself on edge, he’d train twice a day to get the excess energy out, making himself a calm port for not only her, but himself.

But that night emotions were running high despite it all, call it wedding jitters, but Grayson was on edge and he let his mouth run wild and it cost him everything. He had a lot more to work on in hopes of controlling his temper.

**

“Why don’t my parents like you?” She broke the silence between them, her eyebrows furrowed as she pulled the sleeves of her jumper over her hands. She didn’t wear his hoodie…any of them. Not in front of him.

“You told me they think I’m not worthy of you. Your father said YouTube isn’t a real job and your mother said I look like a cheater.” Grayson shrugged. “I never cheated on you, though.” He added for good measure. “To be honest, we never even met. You said the only time I’d see them is when we get married and that was supposed to be…you know.”

Chewing on her lower lip, her frown deepened. She was always daddy’s little princess and mommy’s smart little girl, so what changed?

“But I must have been on bad terms with them? I can’t believe I haven’t seen my parents in years.”

“You told me they had very different views on your life choices and that you stopped talking to them a few weeks before you met me. You also moved to New York full time and broke it off with your boyfriend who seemed to have the seal of parental approval.” Casually, Grayson let himself put an arm around her. He felt her tense immediately, retracting it upon the knowledge that his touch was unwanted.

“I left Archer? But why fuck would I do that? That’s blurry for me too. And now I’m here in this strange house with a man I barely know who looks at me like I’m why the stars shine and I can’t for the life of me figure out how I got here!” She shouted in frustration, hiding her face in her hands when she suddenly heard a sound – her voice.

“Gray-bear! I’m running a little late tonight, but when I get home I want my vitamin G, okay? I want to eat that delicious dinner you’ve made for me and I want to eat dessert of your body.”

“Wow, that was…graphic.” She turned to Grayson, wiping a stray tear off her cheek, chuckling in embarrassment.

“I’m sorry. I just…I wanted to show you that you and I weren’t together on a fucking whim.” Grayson tossed his phone aside, the voicemail cut off in the middle, hiding the really graphic part of it. He felt like her calling him a stranger had opened a new wound on his heart, making sure he’s not ever going to heal properly.

Y/N knew she wasn’t with him on a whim. She was never casual with her heart, giving it rarely but with good cause. It means she had trusted him, completely. She didn’t doubt that nor that she once loved him. In fact, she harbored a crush on him even now, but everything in her life felt like a mess – a big mess of tangled feelings and big gaps in her memory that confused her and she couldn’t find a way around that. But then she smiled softly, looking at the phone with teary eyes. “No, it’s okay. I sound…happy.”

Nodding, Grayson’s hand moved closer to hers, stopping just inches short of actual touch. He wanted to hold her hand and help her get through this, but he couldn’t. As she said it, he was still just a stranger to her.

**

Holding nothing but a towel, Y/N set her sights on the beautiful, expensive-looking shower in the main bathroom. She’s been enjoying the bathtub in the guest bathroom, but she missed the shower…and the showerhead.

The moment she walked into the bathroom, Y/N knew it would be a mistake. The steam was her first red flag, lights on the second. She wanted to look away, to walk out and pretend nothing is happening, but she couldn’t. It’s like looking at a sculpture, art, and she loved art. Her eyes widen as she tilts her head slightly to the left, looking over a naked Grayson and his many, many tattoos – especially the one he had on his collarbone – a swallow tattoo, the one she always wanted to get.

“Jesus, Y/N!” Grayson nearly slipped in his fright, his hand flying to his chest instead of his dick and while she’d love to say she looked away and left him alone, Y/N couldn’t help her wandering gaze as she took him in – all of him…and there was a lot to see.

“Fuck, is everything okay?” Grayson rushed out of the shower, his worried face reflecting his inner turmoil.

Y/N found herself dumbfounded, unable to understand why is this man walking around so casually without covering himself up…and then it hit her – it wasn’t the first time she had seen him naked, not for him.

Cupping her face, Grayson angled it left to right to get a proper look, his eyes set ablaze with an undeniable ache in his chest when she not only relaxed in his arms but also accepted his touch. He had become far too acquainted with her refusal that his heart didn’t know how to brave the thunders that shot electricity from his chest throughout his body.

“You look really flushed and you’re…in a towel?” Grayson’s brain finally caught up, his brown eyes widening as she chuckled at him.

“I’m just enjoying the view.” For a moment there, Grayson could have sworn it was Y/N – his Y/N and not the girl who couldn’t even remember his middle name.

“What’s your middle name?” She asked sweetly, wanting to add that to her tiny little file on people she forgot existed. She wanted a cheat sheet to remember all the details she lost and Grayson was the biggest detail of them all.

“Not gonna tell you. That’s a little something I’ll keep for myself because when you do remember me, you’ll tell me yourself. It’s how I’ll know you got your memories back.” Grayson smiled at her narrowed eyes, knowing the curiosity is killing her.

“What makes you think I won’t ask someone else or find your documents?” She remarked, raising her eyebrows with a smirk.

“You won’t because you will want to know your memories are real when they return. My middle name will be a signal.”

“And I’d love to enjoy it too, but I don’t know if this is right.” Grayson sighed heavily as she placed her left palm on his right shoulder, her thumb grazing the swallow tattoo wistfully.

“I’m why you have this. Right?” Nodding, Grayson singlehandedly confirmed her suspicion and she sighed too, adding weight to her already heavy heart. If she cared for him enough to tell him about the meaning of the swallow, then she truly must have loved him. And he didn’t know of the turmoil inside her head when he spoke softly, his voice tender and sweet, an airy touch of emotions she felt in her very soul.

‘’You said a swallow represents soulmates, that for you – birds fly away, but in the end, after their travel, they always make their way back to each other….people who are meant to be, always find their way to each other. You have one on the back of your neck too."

Tapping his shoulder, Y/N averted her eyes to the ground for a split moment, forgetting Grayson is still naked and oddly enough, she didn’t feel like she wanted him to take his hands off her. She wanted him to use them to look more closely at her, help her remember him better.

“Your penis is excited to see me.” She stated, noticing his member brushing against her towel, embarrassing Grayson enough to take a step back and grab a towel.

“This never happened.” He mumbled as he ran past her, unaware of her running after him, screaming, “HE JUST WANTED TO SAY HI!!”

By the time she was done with her shower and curled up in her favorite hoodie…Grayson’s hoodie, Grayson had gotten over his embarrassment and he was more than ready to get going. He had stopped in his tracks when he noticed her wear his orange hoodie, his heart nearly stopping from the oncoming tidal wave of undescribed emotion. It was a small win, but meaningful for him.

“You do realize you don’t have to babysit me all the time, right? I’m not going to just…vanish into thin air. You have a life too and I’m sure staring at me was only a part-time gig before all of this.” She spoke with resolution, certain she didn’t want Grayson skipping out on work anymore. She was very well aware he and his brother owned a production company on one hand and a few gyms on the other – one for men and one for women, and his pride – a gym for disabled, or generally people in need of medical rehabilitation. It’s a little something Y/N had been visiting three times a week as well since she left the hospital.

“You say that, but every time I walk out that door, I’m worried you’ll be gone when I come back.” Grayson didn’t mean to sound so much like a kidnapper who was interested in keeping her under lock and key, but he did fear she’d use the chance to disappear on him. He needed a shot at getting his girl back and it was abundantly clear that if she left their home, he’d lose her for good.

“I can promise I’ll be here today. Is that good enough?” And Grayson knew she’d never break a promise, shedding a little bit of weight off his heart. At least for the day.

Pecking her temple on instinct, he smiled when she didn’t pull away instantly. She gave him a look of slight confusion, but that’s all. In his mind, that was seen as progress.

“I’m just uh…going to see my parents today. Thought you should know.” She warned him and for some reason even he couldn’t fathom, his stomach turned to knots and he felt nauseous.

“Want me to drive you?” He offered, his mouth a little dry as his mind keeps telling him that she’s making a mistake, but he always wanted her to reunite with her folks and he couldn’t stand in her way now when they too got a clean slate and a chance at redemption.

“I’ll get a cab or something. No need. I’ll call you if I need you, ‘kay?” She craned her neck up, completely unaware of what she’s doing until her lips press against his jawline and her mind just blanks.

“Why did I just do that?” She covers her mouth in horror, wanting to both cry and scream at herself for being so free with someone she still had some doubts about.

“Muscle memory. You did that every time I had to leave.” Grayson explained, his lips twitching as he tried to keep a smile at bay. He had seen a few glimpses of her in the past few hours and Grayson couldn’t be happier…but Y/N? She couldn’t be more scared.

**

“Why the club?” Y/N groaned at her mother like a child, sending dirty looks to every old man who dares to check her out. She never liked the club her family belonged to. Y/N never like a lot of things her family did or believed in, but she never disliked it to the point of wanting to jump out of her skin like she did now. Something wasn’t right and a part of her thought back to that morning when Grayson called it muscle memory…she couldn’t help but think there was a reason why she felt so uneasy here.

“Because that Gayton couldn’t follow us here. He’s not a member. Besides, someone wanted to see you.” Before she even had a chance to question any of it or correct her mother on Grayson’s name, Y/N saw him.

He had tousled dark brown hair which was thick and lustrous. His face was strong and defined, his features molded from granite. He had dark eyebrows, which sloped downwards in a serious expression, framing his eyes. He has the most wonderful eyes – they are blue, mostly, but darken to grey in correspondence to his mood. He seldom smiles with his lips, but it is his eyes that shine instead, and it is this radiance that makes every man and woman who see it feel the irresistible impulse to smile, too. But his usually playful smile had drawn into a hard line across his face as he downed a glass of whiskey in a single sip.

“Why is Archer here, mom?” Y/N spoke, breathless and out of touch with reality. All she could see is the man she was supposed to marry, the guy who promised her the stars, who held her hand since she knew what hand-holding is. He was her first love, first kiss, and first time. He was the guy she would have sworn by, depended on, held close to. He was supposed to be her forever and while she pushed him to the back of her mind in the past few months, Y/N couldn’t help but wonder what could have happened for her to leave Archer behind.

“He’s always here in the afternoon. You know, he became a lawyer.” Her mother gave her a gentle push, Y/N’s heel clicking against the marble floors, attracting attention in the lounge usually occupied by men at this time – his attention most of all.

“Y/N?!”

Not blinking, or breathing, or moving, Y/N just stared at her once upon a time with guilt in her heart. She felt it gnaw on her insides, Grayson’s words about his fear of her leaving him haunting her.

“I didn’t expect to…What are you doing here?” Archer walked closer, his smile back on and his charm evidently turning her cheeks darker. She didn’t know what to say or do, especially since she still had no clue on what happened between them.

“I heard you were out, but I didn’t want to intrude. I’m so happy to see you.” Without holding back, Archer wrapped his arms around Y/N, tightly enough to provoke her ribs into aching despite them being healed now. At her yelp, Archer quickly lets go, apologizing.

While her mother had disappeared into thin air and left her a text about having to leave early, Y/N remained in the club with Archer a lot longer than she anticipated. She forgot how easy it was to get lost in Archer and his world, just how well he understood her and how good of a fit they truly are. She forgot how his touch made her heart jump and how his chuckle made her laugh because out of all possible character flaws he could have had, Archer managed to get a horrible, cartoon-like laugh.

“Today was great, but I really should get going.” Y/N stood up abruptly once she realized just how late she stayed, hoping Grayson didn’t come home on time to find her promise broken. She truly lost track of time and while she’d like to tell herself it was all innocent and just old friends catching up, she couldn’t lie. Her body had aged, but her mind still only knew of the love and devotion she held for Archer. While she had become accustomed to Grayson, grew to like him and enjoy his company, she certainly never forgot that her first love was out there, somewhere. Being with Archer had impacted her more than she’d like to admit.

“Do you need a ride home?” And that was a mistake, she knew it. She found herself agreeing to his offer without a second thought, forgetting that her home was in New York City with her handsome fiancé she felt an undeniable attraction to.

But she spent that day wishing she could have some courage to ask Archer why they ended things, to learn of that part of her past she couldn’t untangle in her mind. She needed answers and he had them, but asking him? Saying the words and actually hearing his response? She didn’t know if she was that brave.

Sitting in the car in front of her home, Y/N didn’t gather the courage she needed. She couldn’t handle the truth just yet and while she hated herself for being so cowardly, she felt a lot worse about her personality when she noticed Grayson walk out of their home, bewildered and teary-eyed, stopping in front of their front door instead of making a scene. Y/N was thankful for that.

“I should really go.” Y/N said sweetly, her eyes taking one good look at Archer before turning to leave, finding Archer’s hand grabbing hers.

“Call me. I’d really like to see you again.”

Nodding, Y/N smiled at him before getting out of his fancy car, waving at him as he drove down the street.

“I’m really sorry I was late. My mum had abandoned me at the club and I ran into Archer and he offered me a ride.” She didn’t tell him about spending the day with him. She didn’t want to burden Grayson with her what-ifs and she definitely didn’t want to hurt him. Looking into the murky waters his brown eyes turned into, it felt like she already did. She’s been hurting him for a while now and she realized that months have passed and her memories aren’t getting any better. In fact, she believed they would never return and she was doomed to live a cycle where she keeps breaking Grayson’s heart over and over again.

Reluctantly, Y/N stood on her tiptoes and pressed a chaste kiss on Grayson’s jawline. Unmoving, he stared at her, his heart feeling like it would explode. A part of him knows she’s only doing it because she sees the pain in his eyes. He knows it meant nothing at all to her, but it meant the world to him, despite the motivation. She’s doing it to distract him from the fact that her ex-boyfriend had driven her home.

“I just wanted to know how it feels to do that when I’m in control of my mind.” She whispered, her hand resting on his cheek gently, remaining there for a few seconds as she walked inside, heavier than she was when she left the house earlier that day.

“What movie do I put on?” Grayson mumbled, still phased and still hurt and still so damn in love with her even if he felt her slip away. He’s not a fool. If anything, Grayson could read her better now when she didn’t know he knew her tells. She was an open book and while he saw tremendous progress between them, it wasn’t fooling him.

He had heard of Archer and their relationship quite extensively, but she kept the reason of their break up to herself. She kept it hidden from him, claiming it was about her turning a new page in her life, but Grayson knew better. He was aware what he meant to her and he knew she was still stuck at a time where she loved him dearly and Grayson was just the skipping stone they needed to send down the river. That’s why he wished he knew why she broke things off…for a connection that big, something bad must have happened for them to end things and if it worked the first time around, he was sure it would work again.

“Not sure. Maybe something scary?” Y/N sat in her corner of the couch, her legs tucked to her chest as she watched Grayson intently. Friday night was always movie night, before and after the accident. She enjoyed those nights filled with laughter and casual touches that would leave her tingling for hours. She loved to watch him as he immersed himself in the movie and she immersed herself in him.

Something felt different that night – a change was on the horizon and Y/N knew what she must do. Grayson Dolan is undoubtedly a beautiful man with a good soul and she could understand why she fell in love with him in the first place. But, Y/N was haunted by memories she did remember, more than those she forgot. She had a need to solve problems she did once before and Grayson would only stand in her way. He’d only get hurt worse and longer and she couldn’t do that to him anymore. She cared too much to dim his light any longer. She not only cared…she found that she maybe did love him after all, enough to let him go.

After Grayson fell asleep, Y/N had covered him with her blanket, tucking him in before leaving a lingering kiss on his forehead. Yes, he slept with his mouth open and yes, he drooled and yes, he snored, but Y/N found it inexplicably hard to walk away from him. She felt every cell in her body demand her to stay and see things through. She found herself fighting off sobs that threatened to sound so loudly in such a devastating way and she couldn’t understand why. She knew it might be a part of her that loved him that fought her on her decision, but Y/N had to leave.

“I can love you and still let you go.” She whispered to herself, closing her eyes.

She had to let him go before she damaged him any further. With a whisper, she left him sleeping on the sofa.

“Goodbye…my almost lover.”

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