#caleb writes

God he was hot. Like really hot. The second he got off the bike, he took his gloves and helmet off, unzipped his leathers, letting them hang off his hips. Quickly putting on the cooling vest to cool him down as best it can. Nadia, holding his face, telling him good job. He just wishes his brother was here.

He's getting hotter by the second. Upset he had to take the cooling vest off. Taking a sip of his redbull, sitting in the cool down room, listening to Joan and Pedro. Alex feels bad for Pecco, he was doing well and then had a puncture. It sucks he can't share another podium with his boyfriend. But he'll see him later, and shower him with a bunch of kisses.

Alex closed his eyes for a second, waiting for the podium to be called. He's sweating a lot more than he wanted, and his breathing is a bit laboured. “Alex” he hears Joan says, he opens his eyes, Joan smiles at him, “podium time” Joan tells him. Oh yeah that. Alex waited for his name to be called, and once called he made his way to the podium, dapping Pedro and Joan up before making his way to the top step.

Listening to the Royal March, he started to feel himself swaying, he felt his head start to spin. His stomach was also churning, he felt saliva build up in his mouth, he knew what was happening next. Before he could react to get off the podium, he managed to turn around fast enough to throw up. And God isn't this embarrassing. As he threw up his breakfast and the drinks he's had, there's a hand on his neck. The second he's done throwing his guts up, he leans into the person who has their hand on his neck. “Let’s get you back inside” the person says.

The second they get him back inside, he's being dragged off by medical staff. He just lets himself be taken, he's way too exhausted to put up any fight. Alex soon realises he's being put in an ambulance, his leathers are unzipped and his shirt is taken off once he's safely laying on the stretcher. A bunch of wires are put on his chest and an IV is put in his arm. He's just in a daze, letting himself be manhandled by the paramedics.

He sees his dad, sitting next to him in the ambulance. Using all the energy he had left, he reached out for his dad. “Papa” he mumbled out, his father took his hand, giving it a squeeze. Alex closed his eyes, too exhausted to keep them open.

When Alex woke up, Julia quickly realised that his son was trying to sit a bit, laying down becoming uncomfortable pretty quickly, Julia understood that. “Aye Alex, careful son” he said softly, “papa” Alex said softly. Julia helps him to sit up, more slowly this time.

He kissed Alex's forehead, “you worry us Alex. Scared your mama” he explains to him, even though he and Roser are divorced, they still communicate a lot about their boys. “Mama?” is all Alex can muster up, still exhausted. “Mama is back in Spain Alex, I will call her when you're better, same with Marc” Julia explains again. Alex perks up at the mention of his brother, “Marc? Marc here?” he asks. Julia chuckled, “no no, Marc is back home, in Madrid. He's injured remember” he explains to his youngest, “Oh… want Marc” Alex states, “I know mijo, I know”.

Julia continued to sit by Alex's side, his youngest having fallen back asleep again. His youngest son has trouble regulating his temperature, a problem he's had since he was a baby, having gotten very sick as a baby and that was the start of his troubles. The doctor said that it is minor heatstroke, letting him just rest for the night and keep on an IV drip and he’ll be good to go tomorrow. Julia knew how it goes, it's not the first time, and unfortunately, probably won't be the last time. But he's thankful it rarely happens.

While sitting in the room, he's been talking with Nadia, updating her on Alex's condition, as throwing up on live TV and almost collapsing on the podium, it has been talk of the internet for the past few hours, along with the accident with Jose and Noah in Moto3, his thoughts go out to them and their families. He lets Nadia know that Alex is doing well and is in hospital, and asks for privacy. Julia knows very well how much Alex hates having his private life aired out. Especially as he is dating a fellow rider.

And on that topic, he turns to see Pecco standing there sheepishly at the door. Julia smiled, “come sit” he said to the Italian, who quickly took up the seat next to him. “Is he ok?” Pecco asked, “he's fine, he just struggles with temperature regulation. Just a good night's rest and kept on an IV drip for the night, and he'll be ok” Julia explains. Pecco nodded at him, fidgeting with his fingers while he watched Alex. Julia squeezes Pecco's shoulder for reassurance.

When Alex first introduced Pecco to him as his boyfriend, he was concerned at first. Not just because he is part of a certain man's academy, but also because he is teammates with Marc. And, to his surprise, he was the first person to know, he felt honoured truly. It felt like a good step for his overly anxious son. He was the first person Alex came out to when he was 15 years old, the teenager absolutely terrified. So, when Alex introduced Pecco as his boyfriend, he was terrified, on the verge of tears. He quickly reassured his son that it's ok and that he is very happy he found someone who treats him well. Alex's dating history is a lot. Thankfully, both Roser and Marc quickly took a liking to Pecco, even though the man is literally Marc's teammate.

He and Pecco sat quietly, Pecco had moved to hold Alex's hand, while messaging on his phone. He himself, messaging his eldest son, telling Marc that yes Alex is ok and yes Pecco has come, that he doesn't need to beat him up. It's good that Marc is protective of Alex. It had always been like that growing up, since Alex's anxiety got really bad when they were kids. Alex is very lucky.

Once upon a time there was a boy named Jimmy. Jimmy lived in the beautiful kingdom of Emon. The kingdom was ruled by King Jirard. King Jirard realized that his time as ruler would soon come to an end, so he held a huge ball in order to help find his son, Prince Luke, a princess.

When Jimmy heard news of the ball, he saved up all of his money to buy the nicest outfit he could. He went around asking all of his friends, “What are you going to wear? What should I wear?”

Little Jimmy would never feel comfortable in a suit, so he asked his mother if he could instead wear a dress. His mother looked at Jimmy with sad eyes, then shook her head. “Oh Jimmy… dresses are for girls. You can wear a suit, just like all of the other boys going to the ball! I’m sure you can find yourself a nice lady there!” But Jimmy wasn’t satisfied with this answer. Jimmy didn’t want to find a nice lady. Jimmy didn’t want to look nice like all of the other boys. He wanted to wear a dress.

So when Jimmy’s mother had gone to bed for the night, Jimmy snuck out and went in search of the perfect dress. He went to every store in search, finding dresses of many different colors. Purple, red, and blue dresses lined the racks in the store. Jimmy looked through them with wonder in his eyes, but his excitement was destroyed when he noticed the prices. His heart sunk and he fled from the store, running back home. Instead of going inside, he went to the garden. He sat in the flower bed, not caring about the dirt that was going to coat his pants.

Suddenly, Jimmy heard a noise. It was almost like a light breeze rustling through wind chimes, but there were no wind chimes to be rustled and no breeze to rustle them. Sparkles appeared in the air, followed by a handsome boy. His hair fell perfectly into place and wore a light blue suit and a glorious cape. The outfit in itself was rather extravagant. He kneeled in front of Jimmy with a smile. “Hello Jimmy, I am your Fairy Glam Father. I’m here to give to give you the makeover you’ve been dying for. You can call me Jared.”

Jimmy looked at Jared with awe. “So you’ll get me the dress I want?” To that, Jared nodded. “You can get any dress you want, but when midnight strikes the night of the ball, it will all disappear.” Jimmy smiled and hugged Jared tight, which took Jared by surprise, but he happily accepted it.

Days passed and soon it was time for the ball. Fairy Glam Father Jared returned and granted Jimmy his wish of the dress. Jimmy was amazed when the pink dress shimmered onto his body, along with a pair of glass heels. Jared reminded him of what would happen when the clock struck 12, then sent Jimmy on his way to the ball.

When he arrived, he immediately locked eyes with Prince Luke. Prince Luke gave him a soft smile and waved, causing Jimmy’s face to light up bright red. Prince Luke’s normal hat was replaced with a crown.

The night progressed and Jimmy soon found himself dancing with the prince. A slow song played in the background and Jimmy followed Prince Luke’s slow lead. There was no conversing, just the two enjoying the moment together. The clock tower outside of the palace started to go off and Jimmy felt his heart racing. He pushed away from Prince Luke and ran as quickly as he could in his heels. As he was running down the stairs, he lost one of his shoes, but didn’t have time to go back for it. The prince tried to call after him, but Jimmy didn’t respond.

Jimmy made it home safely before the clock struck 12 and he promptly fell asleep, hoping the prince would remember him. His dreams were filled with Fairy Glam Father Jared and memories of him dancing with the prince. His restful slumber was torn away from him when he heard his mother talking with someone. The second voice was familiar, but Jimmy didn’t want to believe it. Had the prince come to find him? To return his lost shoe? Jimmy sprung out of bed, his dirty shorts and t-shirt hanging loosely around his small frame.

When he entered the living area, Prince Luke stood with King Jirard and they were both talking to his mother. Their royal suits made them look professional and Jimmy felt sudden shame in his old, dirty clothes. Nonetheless, Prince Luke smiled at him. Jimmy returned the smile weakly and stepped farther into the room. The king looked him over once, then looked to Prince Luke and whispered something. The words were lost to Jimmy, but Prince Luke lightly hit his father and took the heel from his hands.

“Young sir, if you don’t mind, may I see if this shoe fits you? We’re trying to find the person I was dancing right before the clock struck 12 and this is the only clue we have,” Prince Luke said, his voice as smooth as butter. Jimmy nodded slightly and sat down carefully, then watched as the prince slid the heel onto his foot. Jimmy smiled when Prince Luke looked up at him. “This is him. This is the boy I was dancing with last night. What is your name? I would like to take your hand in marriage.”

Jimmy looked at him shyly. “My name is Jimmy, and I would love to be your prince.”

Take on a trip, I want to go somewhere

Sava had been planning this trip for along time. Ever since they’d got together at the start of the year, Sava had planned it, booked the flights and the hotel, and what they'll be doing. He couldn't wait, it's the summer break and his boyfriend had been doing so well so far, he hadn’t been doing well, he was just doing testing mostly, for when Martìn got back on the bike.

It's the second day, their first full day and Sava has planned for them to go on a hike. Bez had of course complained at first, wanting to stay in the hotel room, cuddled together, watch TV and eat junk food. But Sava didn't give in, he had this planned for ages, so they were going.

The drive to the hiking trail didn't take long, only 20 minutes. Once they were there, with their bags on their backs, they set off on a hike. It wouldn't take long, only a few hours, to the top and back.

On the walk up, Bez took pictures of everything, and Sava means everything. The sky, the trees, animals and Sava himself. They held hands, Bez swinging them, humming a song Sava couldn't pinpoint, but his boyfriend was happy, and that's what really mattered to him.

Once at the top, Bez continued to take more photos. Sava walked up behind him, wrapping his arms around Bez's waist and rested his head on the shorter man's shoulder. "This is beautiful" Bez says, Sava hums, kissing Bez in the crook of his neck. Bez giggles, "I'm glad you dragged me out of bed" he adds, "I've been planning this trip for ages" Sava replies. Bez turns, "really?" Sava nods, "I fucking love you" Bez says, before jumping into Sava's arms. Sava just chuckled and held his boyfriend.

---

He’d been feeling off since that morning, everything was becoming really overwhelming for him.

Alex woke up with an itch in the back of his mind, his heart beating fast and anxiety pooling in his stomach. But he continued his day, ignoring all the feelings in the back of his mind. Getting out of bed, having a quick shower and getting changed, he made his way out into the open area of the motorhome. Marc is already out there, eating his breakfast. His brother wakes up earlier than him, God knows why. 

“Morning Alex!” Marc says ever so cheerfully, “morning” he replies, not at the same amount of energy. He's never been a morning person. Alex gets his breakfast, sitting down next to Marc, who's on his phone messaging whoever. The sinking feeling is still there. Alex sits there, eating his breakfast, listening to Marc talk about his good feeling this weekend. He just nods along.

Once he finishes his food, Alex washes his bowl and puts it away. There’s a voice in the back of his head, telling him to do it again or he'll have a bad practice session. So he does. Repeating the actions. He takes the bowl back out, washing it again and putting it back. It calms his nerves a bit.

When it's time to go to the garages, he follows Marc. The feeling in his stomach is back, the itch in the back of his head. He can't fix it. He walks next to Marc, his brother chatting away. He doesn't pay attention, he's trying not to run away.

He manages to get to the garage and sit through some meetings. At one point he had to take a step out, to breathe. He’s standing in the hallway, snapping his fingers over and over again, trying to calm himself down. 

Snap

Breathe

Snap

Breathe

Snap

Over and over again. When he's calmed down enough, he goes back inside, taking his seat. Fermin gives him a raised eyebrow and Alex just smiles back. He manages to get through the rest of the meeting, barely paying attention to tyres and track times from the past few years. The feeling in his stomach just won't go away.

When the meeting is over, he gets up to leave, but Michele sits him back down. “Alex, are you ok?” He asks, he has a bit of worry in his eyes, “I'm fine, just not feeling too well this morning, but I'm fine” Alex replies. Michele nods, “alright, just let me or Nadia know if you're not. We don't want you riding if you're not ok” he says. Alex nods before leaving.

FP1 went fine, he placed in second, behind Marc and in front of Bez, a good placing for the first practice session. The anxiety goes away after he gets off the bike and back in the garage after the practice starts. He joins Marc and Pecco in the Ducati hospitality for lunch. He eats quietly, listening to Marc chat away with Pecco. Being with his brother and his brother's boyfriend kept him calm throughout lunch.

By the time practice comes around, the feelings come back. He snaps his fingers again, snaps three times and breathes twice. That's how he can calm himself down. He gets on the bike, his hand slightly shaking, he takes a deep breath before going out onto the track.

It's all going well until the last minute. He's on top when he crashes. They’d been a bike in the corner of his eye very close to him, he freaks and highsides himself, landing flat on his ass. When he opens his eyes and looks around, figuring out who he needs to apologise to, there's no one there.

Fuck.

He just stays sitting on the gravel, trying to ground himself. He's shaking and trying to figure out what happened. He can't hear any bikes, so it must’ve been red flagged. The anxiety pools in his stomach more and more, saliva is pooling up in his mouth. He's pulling his gloves and helmet off, not caring about safety. He needs air.

The marshals are with him. Blocking him away from the cameras. He's trying to calm himself and not throw up on the track. His heart is beating fast, not having stopped all day. A hand is on his back, rubbing circles on his back, just like how his father has done whenever he started panicking. They've all been briefed on what to do if this happens. Keep him calm. It's part of the marshal brief now, due to many riders' growing anxiety or something. Mostly to do with the younger kids.

“That's it. Just breathe, in and out” one says, he listens to the voice. It grounds him. Not sure how long, but long enough to get the medical car out on the track. He just closes his eyes, blocking out all the booing he can hear. 

He gets taken to the medical center once he was able to stand and get into the car. He's sitting on the bed, sucking on a lollipop and kicking his legs, trying to keep himself grounded in reality. He can feel himself slipping, and it's fast.

“Alex”, he looks up to see his dad standing in front of him, wiping the hair away from his face. “You ok?” his dad asks, Alex nods, “everyone was booing at me” he says to his dad, a bit upset the fans would do that. His dad looks at him, seeming confused, “Alex, no one was booing” “oh”. They stay in silence, “are you really ok?” his dad is worried, he doesn't want to worry his dad. “I'm ok, really”.

It gets worse the next day. The anxiety is getting worse. Marc had slept in the same bed as him that night, his older brother worried about him. His team continues to look at him with soft eyes. He hates it. Michele and Nadia keep telling him that it's ok to pull out of the weekend, but he won't. His mum calls him more stubborn than Marc, and she isn't wrong, he learnt from the best. Or was it worse? It doesn't matter. He's continuing to ride that weekend.

He manages through FP2 and qualifying, only having to do Q2. And when it was over and he was allowed to leave, he went back to his motorhome and hid himself in his room. Needing a safe place to ground himself. He didn't get a long alone time when there's knocking on the door. “Come in yeah” Alex says, the knocking just giving him a headache. But no one opens the door. He frowns, getting up to open, thinking it's Marc toying with him. But to his surprise, no one is there. “Oh”.

The next time there's a knock at his door, he ignores it and tries some grounding techniques. The knocking continues and he continues to ignore it. It will stop soon, he knows it will. It's all in his head.

“Alex! For fucks sake” Marc says a few seconds later walking through it. Oh, it was real this time. “Come on, you need to get ready for the sprint” Marc tells him, Alex gets up and quickly follows him. Marc doesn't say anything about it, just holding his hand and squeezing it. He knows that Marc knows what is happening even without saying, his brother doing his best to keep himself grounded in reality.

He lines up in third position behind Marc and Bez. The two managed to set laps before the flag was thrown earlier. He taps his bike a few times, calming his brain down. He waits for the lights to go out, and when they go out, he is gone. The race kept him sane somehow.

Managing second place behind Bez and in front of Marc. His brother had a problem on the few corners so he and Bez managed to pass him before the line. When he gets off the bike, Marc wraps an arm around his waist and whispers into his ear. “Well done, I'm so proud of you” he says, Alex hugs him, hugs him tight. 

He does his interview and podium. The feelings are coming back. There's voices talking to him, but no one is talking to him. He can get out of post sprint interviews, he's allowed to. He never pulls that card, but today he has too. 

He's really glad that the team and the FIM have a plan put in place for him when his anxiety is really bad. He never pulls the card, only really using it rarely. This is the first time he's actually used it since the plan was put in. Everyone knows, the stewards won't fine him, they're not allowed, it's part of his medical documents. So he tells Nadia, telling her he needs to calm down, take a breather. She lets him, no questions asked. His dad guides him back to the motorhome and a statement is made. Something about him feeling unwell.

Later that evening, once the interviews are over, the mini post sprint parties are over, he is cuddled up on the couch. His head is on Bez’s lap, body laid across Marc and Pecco. The four of them are having their post sprint tradition. All cuddled together in the Marquez motorhome, phones turned off and watching a stupid kids movie while eating junk food. It's a good way to calm down and have a break before the main race the next day. Bez is running his fingers through his hair, lulling him to sleep. 

He jolts awake, quickly sitting up in bed. His breathing is harsh and his heart is beating fast. He can't remember his dream, well more nightmare, but it was bad enough to scare him awake. “Alex, amore, calm down, it's ok, I'm here” he hears Bez say, his boyfriend rubbing his back and bringing his face to hide in his neck. “Shhhhh” Bez shushes him, continuing to rub his back. Alex grips the sheets. Before realising he's in bed, or is he. Is this also a dream? He doesn’t know anymore. He just screams.

“Alex, Alex. It's ok, breathe with me ok ok. You are ok, Hermano. You are in bed. I carried you here” Marc says, his brother had run in after he screamed. He’d scared him, he’d scared Bez along with it. He's shaking, mumbling to himself, he doesn't know what he's saying. “Do you want me to call papa to come?” Marc asks, Alex shakes his head. He doesn't want to wake his dad up, not right now.

Marc had pulled him close, he could hear his brother's heart beat. It's fast. He's scared. “I'm sorry” he says, “no do not be sorry. You aren't doing ok this weekend” Bez says, running his fingers through his hair. Both of them keeping him grounded, keeping him here. He can take a deep breath finally.

“Marc? Is he ok?” Alex hears Pecco ask, he moves his head to see the man, who looks like he just woke up. He really is a deep sleeper. He leans back into Bez's arms. They all have a race, they need to sleep, they don't need to worry about him. “You all need to sleep” he says, “not right now, not until you're calm” Marc says, “Franci, love, can you make some tea?” Marc turns to ask Pecco, who nods and goes to make the tea.

Alex stays cuddled in Bez's arms, Marc sitting opposite them. No one talks, just waiting for Pecco to finish making tea. Pecco comes in a few minutes later with a cup of tea for him, handing it to him. It's just how he likes it. He sips it slowly, while letting Bez and Marc make a plan for tomorrow, Pecco just sitting next to Marc, looking like he's going to fall back asleep.

Waking up, Alex feels trapped. He starts to panic, he's wiggling around. He's going to cry, he's going to scream. “Alex, calm down, it's ok” Bez says, who helps him sit up. He sees that both Marc and Pecco had fallen asleep on the bed as well. That's why he couldn't move. He kicks Marc awake in revenge.

Bez makes him his breakfast, Marc is on the phone and Pecco is having a shower. It reminds him of the times the four of them are at his and Marc's place. It rarely happens, but it's nice when it does. 

He feels better. Better than the past few days. The anxiety is still there, but it's small. The whole domestic feeling calms him down, showing he's in reality. He eats his food, Greek yogurt and different berries, a nice light meal for his anxiety. “So” Marc says walking over after getting off the phone, “you won't be racing. No, don't give me that look. You aren't stable still. It's for your own safety. Dad and you are going to go back home this morning. He'll take you to see your psychologist in the afternoon. Yes unfortunately you'll miss the race, but your mental health is more important ok” Marc explains. Alex just nods, not fighting him.

Dad takes him home and another statement is made about him withdrawing and going home. Alex spends the time before his appointment cuddling with his dad and dogs on the couch, after having called his mum. Who is very concerned about him. When his appointment comes around, he sends a good luck message to the groupchat with him, Marc, Bez and Pecco.

The appointment takes an hour, the whole race. Which is pretty good for his mental health. The appointment went well. Talking about what was going on that weekend and how he felt. It was good, really good.

His new little family of Bez and Pecco showed up that night tagging along with Marc. Both wanting to see him and skipping the parties. He found out that Pecco had won, with Marc in second and Bez in third. They didn't need to come so soon, but they did, and it made Alex feel better.

Especially when he got to cuddle up in his bed with Bez for the first time in months. Bez is way too good for him, he's very lucky to have him, along with Pecco. They both drag along Franky, Luca and Cele to the crew. Which Alex does find really funny, but they all work.