Tonight is my first date with calc tutor. I know, he asked me out a week and a half ago, but I am currently sitting on my bed in my parents house in Vermont, where I've been for the past week, so you can see why we haven't gone out yet.

I am balls nervous. I'm not sure what's really doing it. I know part of the anxiety I'm feeling right now is simply that I don't want to go back to Connecticut, that I would rather hang out here with my family and dogs and green grass and trees and dirt roads and friends and all the other lovely things that Vermont has to offer. So that's part of it. I always hate leaving home.

But the other part of it is definitely that I'm nervous about this date. See, I don't really date, per say. I have always had boyfriends. You know, guys I already knew who turn into lovers or whatever. Yeah there was Andrew in New York and that guy at the coffee shop, but on the whole I've never reallllly been asked out on a real date before this. So I don't even know what I'm doing really. I think it will probably be fine, we've hung out alone together before, we've just...always been talking about math. It just seems like a date is more formal or something.

Then there's this issue. I've basically only been with one guy for the last three years. I mean, since Mitch and I broke up I've made out with a few guys here and there, maybe fooled around a tiny bit, but certainly emotionally and basically physically, I've only been with Mitch for the last three years. That's a long time to love someone and be faithful to them. Even when he didn't want me anymore. So honestly the idea of having sex with someone else actually makes me want to throw up (not that I'm going to sleep with him on the first date, but you know, maybe in the future if things go well).

Finally there is this. My relationship with Mitch, the things that happened, the things he did (which no I will not post on the internet but just allude to vaguely) have broken my trust of people, specifically men. I'm sure those of you who know him would describe Mitch as a nice guy, I thought he was a nice guy, I thought that most of the time that we were dating. And the truth is he is the nicest guy I have ever dated. But he still did really hurtful things to me. He lied to me, a lot. He made me feel bad about myself. I never felt good enough for him and I think that he liked to keep it that way. He always had me working to change myself for him, and he has freely admitted that. He really, really, really hurt me and not just by leaving me and breaking my heart. I don't trust him and I'm not sure I will trust any guy after that. Because I really thought I could trust Mitch, and I couldn't.