#caffeinism

in everything i see

i see you too

not branded,

but gently etched,

outline of an outline

once, i was next to you,

when someone asked the crowd

if there were any lovers in the audience

without looking at you,

i tried to feel the entire

length of your body

through the point our

shoulders met

i’m afraid if i looked at you,

you wouldn’t look back

i’m afraid if i looked at you,

Before shrooms After shrooms

first

i drank my beer

with three limes

because it was summer

because it was how i wanted it

i drank it all in one go,

no loose ends here

then

you asked me

what i wanted from you

i said

nothing

i said

another beer, maybe

it’s true

for the first time, there is

nothing to want

a revelation for me,

to be alone,

moreover,

to like it

but

there you are

the contour of your face in profile

a razor thin outline

from the light in the hall

i try and try

but can’t seem to drink you

no more of this sadness

that drips and drips and drips

drips slowly down from throat to stomach

slowly filling every crevice

acute pulmonary edema

drowning from the inside out

no more of this anger

that swarms in droves

swarms like hornets or locusts or dust

a hornet i am not

when I sting,

it pulls out my organs too

no more of this passion

that rises in an all-consuming wave

rises like smoke from the fire, signaling,

smoke from the cigarette

we pass back and forth

as if it makes it healthier

i want to become a river

that’s moving forward always

moving forwards and holding onto nothing

forward lies the path,

what’s behind is already distant,

i love these thursday afternoons

lazy on the couch

we watch the world

through your window

i’m in love, in a sense

with the way you smirk at me

always refilling my cup you say

one more,

one more.

one more never hurt anybody

and drunken weekend nights

is the only time you’re yourself

you say

“i love you too”

you say

“i’m so grateful you’re in my life”

and i eat it like it’s the only thing that will ever sustain me ever again

oh my love for you

would drown rivers into lakes

flatten mountains

oh my love for you

is competitive

it fights and claws through me

the dark side of my moon

my love for you

it emerges in the night

i lean over and i think

if i could only kiss you

if i could only kiss the soft spot between your collarbone and chest

oh my love for you

can i admit it?

i love you!

today i woke up surprised at the elation stirring in me,

unfathomably thankful

i was not born a jellyfish

or beetle or peach tree,

or another thing without a heart

i feel my heart beat strong

and listen to what it’s saying

what is it saying to me?

“i’m okay.”

“i’m okay.”

“i’m okay”

or maybe:

“hello.”

“hello.”

“hello.”

today it’s raining and i left the window open last night,

and for the first time in years

i am thankful for the rain

rain brings forth new life

and washes away everything

that needs to go

i leave the window open and stick my whole head out to feel each drop

thinking rain, please,

bring forth new life

and wash away everything