It's 2022 and I recently talked about you to my (new and consistent) therapist that I started on 2021. I haven't written to you in AGES, and I read through the ones I wrote to you back then... and I definitely have grown and changed SO MUCH..
I'm currently in my last semester of my 3rd year and idk whether I'm doing ok? in terms of academically. I literally have been skipping a lot of classes ever since gotten lectured by the one lecturer that I favoured and thought was the kindest of them all. But I have been skipping classes with a friend anyway ever since the ex-narcissist.
I think the pandemic really changes people but I also don't blame her. and I kinda hate that it kinda affected me. I had been feeling like... I just give up? I used to feel so much pain whenever I do shit last minute cuz I never really intend to cuz I have issues with concentrating especially back then. I have improved greatly last year though. But thinking about the consequences... I just wanna graduate man and I don't want to go through a worse type of "hell" due to retaking... (looking at my dissertation i have to finish.... that I feel quite floored to raise the fucking white flag) if I don't make it by May. Everyone around me is graduating. I'm trying to bounce back?
Technically I have been in college for nearly 3-4 years and had to retake some subjects throughout the years due to also encountering a narcissist ex friend when I began my degree. We ended it within 8-9 months after with other best friend, O. It was a fucked up shit show that I didn't really think it was "That bad" until I try to explain to people what he had done.
After getting out of it, we were still always drinking every week to the bars. Sometimes multiple times in a week. I explored physical and somewhat emotional? intimacy the past few years with men and women. I met men that has made me get more of a taste platter of what "love" is so to say I had realized for the past few years.
Emotions that are very new for me, one of them was profound, I still can't really make sense of it to this day because my intuition/feelings tells me otherwise. Its ridiculous to review it since I've changed my perception in it almost COMPLETELY. Cuz I never believe in "love in the club". or feeling such emotions with someone I just met that night. I never believed in those type of things and always found it kinda ridiculous people who do. But the Universe showed me otherwise...
But to this day, I haven't been in a proper long term real-life relationship. Heck, I never even had a proper "Relationship" with a monogomous "lover" in real life. The boy I talked about... back then, was a situationship/ Idk what I can even call it. Given the circumstances with me back then that is. The flings were always short lived. I think the emotions are valid but when it comes to it being holistically real? perhaps only the recent few....or one of them.
I got more into skateboarding... on 2020/2021 but still amateur-ish. I have yet to complete the beginners scuba diving program. I stopped cheer shortly because my anxiety/avoidance got in the way with my social life back in 2017. And also due to the expired anti-depressants I was taking... and since my psychiatrist told me "to take however much I want", I tapered my anti-depressants all on my own knowledge btw without the help of my psychiatrist.
Anyways, But hey at least its still a "sport" I guess with skateboarding. I do want a friend where I can go skateboarding with and learn more consistently. or perhaps I should just literally find a place on my own and go at it alone as usual.
I lowkey feel really fucking guilty and pathetic that I have chances where I know a lot of people out there wished they had... and it kinda makes me feel like a spoilt fucking brat about it when I do try to do the work and then theres just me vs my mind in the way, and the habits i have. but i guess everyone works through their... "trauma" the way that they do.
I turned 25 on the 17th recently, and this time I kinda made sure my birthday was lowkey. Like... I didn't ask my friends to post anything about me, and most didn't and one wanted to actually post but Idk... I have became more private about what I'm doing, my thoughts, etc on social media. I kinda wondered whether I shouldve been public anyway about it like how I always was back in the years... but I guess I'm actually still readjusting on being noticed by the type of people that I used to put on a pedestal on.
Manifesting and LOA has done wonders in my life unimaginable that I literally did not think I'd even fucking reach this age. Things that I thought were never at reach... I have gotten... but also when I had reached the peak of the things I had wanted for YEARS... the view looks... different. I had "all I ever wanted" that I used to wish for, but it felt different than I thought it would be. Reconnecting with relatives, my own culture, my roots.... and just going through some sort of total "rebirth" again. Which I really am trying to transform the fears... the limiting beliefs still.
The sudden reminders that I'm 25 this year and I just hope to celebrate it with drinking with good friends at least by this year itself. I have different aspects of my personality that I only express to certain people that it kinda makes me feel like I have a cognitive dissonance when I think about putting 2 different friends together.
This year I "celebrated" my birthday with (at first quarantining but was negative consistently) at a nice Studio airbnb. I think this is one of the most sober-ish "birthday" I've had. Nothing too intoxicated like the previous 3 years.
Spontaneously (and impulsively) had a date and one night stand with a gym guy (and by far the most conventionally physically attractive person I've ever... properly hooked up like twice with a proper stranger from an app which I never thought I'd actually do... previously) like literally minutes before my bday... (Simply because I was actually feeling depressed that week and the week before, but I'm trying not to let it get to me) which I find it foolish that my tipsy self wanted him to stay LMAO. which I thank god that everything went well... and I really think at this point I'd probably only get into a proper relationship in my late 20s?
I'm forced.. or have learnt to start dreaming again... manifested feeling passionate again or that sense of joy... trust...that is trustworthy... for the past few years. I have learnt to be vulnerable, alcohol and good friends was somehow a catharsis, became more confident over my physical body, and how I communicate (due to going to bars a lot, going through that narcisstic ex friend, alcohol, encouraging and reassuring friends) throughout the years.
Given that it was unwarranted and didn't even think I'd be alive up to 25? Now I have to think of ways to provide financially. or to earn on my very own. I don't want to depend on my family...
To be really honest, it's harder to think of ways to execute on killing myself now because I do still actually want to. Especially if a certain someone... passes. Since I know and have connections with people... I just can't leave earth like that I guess. I just know I have to leave something before I go. it always somewhat had been. The type of suffering that happens in adulthood is just heavier and consequential I suppose. I know I was really fucking bleak back then, and I had the chance to see and become light again. I manage my emotions better now and understand what works and does not work with myself.
I thank my friends and somewhat my family who has helped me along the way.
but idk we'll see what Time has in store this time.
Hope you've been doing well Charlie. I thank you that I can trust you, and that you listen.
