#buzzcull

i kinda hate how i can go from laughing at youtube videos to having an emotional rollercoaster and crying in the dark.

literally nothing really happened today.. i mean i had one hour of sleep the night before so that could explain my anxiousness, but it’s not like i’ve not had some of these thoughts before.

i went to work, relatively sat there for nine hours, then went home. i remember mostly looking stuff up, watching a few youtube videos, etc. but while i was trying and tried to think back, i couldnt really remember what i did specifically. like, i knew i did and watched certain things, but i can’t remember in full what i did exactly to make 9 hours pass by. i was suppose to work on project stuff, but i didn’t do any of that.

but yeah the reason my mood is shit is because i think i had too many quiet moments with certain thoughts that compare to each other, and all of that kinda came to a boil rn.

i was just sitting in a voice chat. i’m not drawing bc i dont really wanna force myself to have to do something visibly interesting for someone to show up and wanna chat. i just wanna do the chatting part. make friends, just have a nice conversation. i was there for 2+ hours listening to a music bot, because i can only assume that since im not really known (but i have talked to people in there), and im not really known for doing anything outstanding, that no one’s jumped to talk to me like they would others. i feel like im constantly casting a hook into a lake and getting nothing. this has happened multiple times in multiple server. i don’t wanna just @ someone or tell anyone im in call when they can see i am, otherwise i feel like im being pushy or making someone feel like they have to talk to me, when they don’t want to.

i feel like if someone makes the step to talk to me first, that means a lot, versus me having to nudge them.

I do a lot of nudging, and I feel like a bother when I do, so I try to not. Then when I don’t nudge, I never get any nudges of my own. So I keep nudging since it’s the only way I tend to get any interaction. Or else people just forget im there. which makes me feel like regardless of the nudging im not really thought about anyways.

earlier today i was looking up aro stuff. i was trying to figure some things out about myself, and some of it seemed to match up. but i was also trying to figure out if it was something that was tru about myself, or potentially me trying to make reason for why i can’t really form any bonds with others. or rather, something to make me feel anchored for why i feel hesitant about bonds? mostly because i’ve been burned so many times that i dont wanna end up being alone again, or being burnt out due to other issues. and it sometimes feels like unless im someone’s number one, i can’t even been their third wheel.

later i started thinking about how i’ve wanted to move out of my house, and each time something’s gone wrong with trying to find a room mate. at least two of them went sour with people who i assume didn’t think i was worth it. i told a therapist back in mid 2018 that i’d intended to move in with my ex best friend. yeaars ago. idk if im ever getting out of here anytime soon with someone who wants to bother.

and bringing this back to the voice chat thing, idk. being alone when im trying to not be makes my thoughts roll about all the times i’ve been left behind. especially times where my well being or regards were unconsidered and my concerns were potentially dismissed. each time i keep going back to thinking about 2019 and how i was left by myself in NY bc of petty drama and gossip. and how i was dismissed for being concerned for being left alone by people who didn’t care and had the potential to at least care about what could happen if i was left alone. i try to think back to that as just thinking that i was dealing with a particularly nasty crowd, and it’s not a reflection of most people nor my relationship with most people. but then i think/thought back to those other issues of today. i think back to similar issues that’ve happened before. i think about how they keep happening and how they all have the same pattern: that im mostly forgettable and that i don’t really have anyone to rely on, outside of family. and well. family. yeah.

i could be gone tomorrow and it’d take a week or more for anyone to truly grow concern, and that’s only because someone would only notice by that point. because again. im always the one to nudge. im not really thought of until i say something. until i pester to the point of being annoying bc my social cues are out of wack and im slightly clingy, because of the abandonment. hell, i literally remember a time where i had con friends that straight up talked to each about having to leave for the night and getting up to leave the lobby without saying anything to me, WHILE i was there. like they forgot.

i can sit through an entire conversation and just listen to people, and i can learn a lot from or about them, but i doubt they know much about me. because i can go minutes, 30 mins, an hour without someone asking me anything or inviting me to chip in.

cw // suicidal thoughts

i keep anchoring in on that NY trip bc it really was the peakfest form of cruelty that opened my eyes to how much people don’t give a shit about me. everytime i think about it and my thoughts start to spiral, i think about how i constantly thought about jumping on train tracks. i thought about what would happen if i got attacked and no one found out. i thought about if i didn’t want to hurt myself because i wasn’t that deep into a spiral, or because i fear the pain versus the result. idk.

im fine rn. tbh writing all this helps me destress. but...next time i go to my doctor or whatever, i guess ill say something. i’ve always checked ‘No’ for suicidal thoughts because i never took any impulsive imaginations seriously. But im starting to realize that having them more than once means something. I’m starting to realize that crawling into my bed because im crying too much to draw and that i keep thinking about typing up what the least painful ways to go are. that’s...not good, obviously. i need to go talk to my doctor. and go to the doctor period. 

i have money saved for ADHD. im just wondering how the rest works if i think i have something else? do i have to have separate specific appointments if i wanna get tested for multiple different things (Depression, BPD, etc), or can i just have one and the psych people dissects from there which it is? idk.

i know my sister recently got prozac. im glad for her, but im slightly jealous. my parents never really gave that many shits to ask if i ever needed any of what she’s got or been forced to get even. and if i did bring something up id probably be asked tedious questions and given patronizing tones. bleh. i can’t even imagine telling my mom about the NY situation. she’d baby me about hanging out with people online for the rest of my life versus giving actual respect to the situation or encouragement that i’d want. meh. 

ok. i think this ramble is done. i think i just needed to vent a lot of stuff out before i ended up wasting the night away, lol.

i can’t do much rn while im focusing on getting a bit more money from my shitty job, but once i get a nice paycheck in a few months or less, ill try scheduling an appointment. i think i need to get a physical soon anyways.

Idk its just kinda awkward that I pass by the venue a lot since its in my hometown and my first thoughts whenever I see it are "damn, 2019 existed" and how I looked like I was "dying on stage". Welp.

But also the sheer ignorance and willingness to label what Sarah went through as pointless drama. It’s like people are so desperate to cling to WP and it’s products that they defend it’s staff despite undoubtably proof it’s corrupted.

What sort of professional company sents “friends” to email/dm someone on their behalf? This isn’t high school. Your a million dollar company. Sent proper letters of communication. Actually participate in the research it takes to establish serious conversation. Sending threats because you were “emotionally charged” or because your “feeling are hurt” is not how professional company’s should be operated. They called Sarah young and naive. But they feel more like a highschool clique and less like a working staff.

I feel you man. Solidarity in the stupidity of a fandom you want to enjoy despite its creators. Which would be easy. If popular personalities in it weren’t trying to command other opinions .