" BUT I HAD IT FIRST "
When I decided to approach this topic and post it on my blog I wasn't exactly sure how I wanted to begin. I went back and forth in my head about a few ideas and I decided to start by sort of laying out a little perspective of my childhood. So here goes 😉
In my generation our parents taught us that kind hearts , were also sharing hearts. Which meant that if a child had picked up an item regardless of whose it was , it was yours to play with on a first come first serve basis , REGARDLESS of whether or not that was a personal toy or a " community " or " shared " toy. Do you know what that felt like alot of the time ? It felt like I had no say about MY boundaries. Im sure the other kids felt that way about me as well. I had NO personal boundary. Of course I didn't actually think those exact words, it was more along the lines of, " nothing is mine !!!!!" . Back in the day not alot of people REALIZED how detrimental that was. ZILCH. They handled parenting with the information THEY were given and did with it what they knew how. They also lacked the availability of science , psychology, behavioral study, and SHARED information unlike we have today.
They had NO idea that this parental technique would GREATLY impact the ability to learn , comprehend and respect the personal boundaries in the people their children would meet some day or even within themselves . Im here to tell you I am living proof of this. As I'm sure, especially in my generation, that MANY are.
In my day to day life as a mom of not one, but three girls all I hear from the time they wake up to the time they had to go to bed was , " But I had it fiiiiiiiiiirst!!!!!" , in that childlike whine that all moms know so well .
My first response ? Well the dialogue went a little something like this:
Me ," No child A had it first so go find another toy."
Child B, " But its mine!!!!!."
Me ," I get that however you weren't playing with it and she is so when she is finished she can give it back. "
Immediate anger out of said child. Tantrums , throwing things, picking fights with the sister ( child A ) , etc. Complete and utter disaster.
But do you see what happened there ? I just told my child that I had absolutely NO regard for HER personal belongings , her sister broke a boundary and I taught her sister that it was ok as long as she was polite about it , and invalidated child B's feelings about the boundary SHE created.
Do I know why it took me 5 years of her life to realize this ? Absolutely not. It just hit me one day when I looked at her face one day and she was literally HEARTBROKEN and said ," I ALWAYS have to share." . Analytically thinking and learning to LISTEN to HEAR rather than LISTEN to RESPOND, what I actually HEARD was ," I feel like as the child in the middle ( because this was my middle child experiencing this at the time) , I am constantly having to share my ONE TOY with BOTH of my sisters even though they have their OWN personal toys and toys that we share together. I always have to share at school , I always have to share at daycare , I just need a toy that I can call my own for once. " .
Like a semi going 90 on a freeway only to smack a building head-on it hit me. I was able to empathize and put my self in her shoes. If I would have taken a step back I could have SEEN this myself a long time ago. I've said this a dozen times myself as a mom even! " I just need to be able to binge watch my own shows without sharing the damn t.v. and being forced to watch Doc McStuffins every damn day" , " I just need ONE drink of my favorite pop with out my kids sinking their claws into me and climbing up my body begging for a drink of MY POP." , " I just want SOMETHING I DONT HAVE TO SHARE. ".
We need this even as a adults, so why are we depriving our children of this ?? Why are we not using this as an age appropriate approach to learning how to set boundaries ?? Its simple , we were never taught this our selves and now I see why as an ADULT in my past ( until after seeing a therapist and watching a TON of Dr. Phil ) I dealt with family members , friends , men that I dated that they were allowed to breach my boundaries , my wall , because that meant that I was just trying to show them I care right? They could treat me how THEY wanted REGARDLESS of how it made me feel. Right ? I was taught , INADVERTENTLY, if I had boundaries that meant I didn't have a caring heart and that's simply just not true. That wasn't what my parents were trying to imply when teaching was sharing was caring. In fact my parents were trying to raise kind children to grow up to be kind and caring adults when in reality we struggled with finding the boundaries we couldn't find as kids or that we were deprived of and didn't know how to enforce them. So people of all walks of life took the caring heart we had and walked acrossed it as painfully hard as they could. Why? Because by not setting MY boundary it gave them permission to.
My parents did what with what they knew how to do , and I DID learn how to be a caring person , however not the way they taught me. That's ok. My mother is an amazing mother so this does not reflect her as anything less. I just knew I had to take the crossed learning experiences from learning to share what was MEANT to share and learning to protect what we VALUE within ourselves to teach the people we CARE ABOUT how to respect us as individuals. It's time we all do. Let's raise a generation with the bravest most caring hearts and TEACH THEM how to TEACH OTHERS how to RESPECT them rather than becoming water down versions of themselves to pacify people. To break this curse of toxic relationships and learn how to maintain healthy ones. To get rid of this stigma that," Sharing is caring ", because that's not the always the case , nor is it the requirement to caring.
