thereās a weird feeling that i canāt really describe and donāt often hear talked about when it comes to being white-coded, which is that we can sometimes get used as aĀ ābarrierā of sorts? or, maybe it was just a thing in my family...
my mom used to pretty often say that were she with the rest of our family, she got called slurs and was noticeably non-white, but when she was with me when i was younger, people assumed she was white because i had pale skin and (then) platinum blond hair
i love her, donāt get me wrong, but she definitely prefers to think of me asĀ āwhiteā, even though iām... mixed. iām mixed. iām paler, yes, but iām mixed. and a part of this is that when iām around her, she can pass for white. and when iām not, people know sheās not. and itās a really weird feeling, sure, but itās also very strange to have grown up knowing that when youāre not around someone, they get called slurs and are in more danger than if youāre near them, simply because you pass when they normally donāt, and that Makes Them Pass as white.
iām not sure how to put that emotion into words though.
to be clear, most white-coded people i know knew i wasnāt white before i ever told them. they all knew, even though iām pale. but white people... really often donāt. sure, they know iām āoffā enough to follow me around a store, but not enough to specify why. they always are shocked, and it used to be like a fun game to āsurprise themā with the news, but... honestly itās grown old.
iām not really sure where iām going with this, i guess iām mostly rambling and going on tangents... itās kind of complicated to think about, between others Knowing Iām Not White, and my mother insisting i am because i helped her pass when i was very young. i donāt blame her for that. i just... itās complicated when i know iām mixed, and try to be proud of it, and get told by my own family that iāmĀ ābasically whiteā because iām pale... especially when my skin type admittedly matchesĀ the boriken side of my family, even if the lightness doesnāt.
