#buremai

Part 1

Do you want to see a world where [ONDA] could be a good son to his parents?

> Yes

> No

Tick, tock, tick, tock… I found myself relaxing to the sound of the clock hands ticking. I was lying on the sofa and watching television.

Tomose: (... Right, there’s a lot I have to do.)

Before Yu went out, he had told me to start the washing machine and to cook some rice.

Tomose: (What a bother…)

Despite thinking that, I got up anyway.  Ever since we started living together, there was a part of me that had gotten used to this “bother”.

Yu: —I’m back.

Tomose: Welcome back.

Though I didn’t have a problem greeting Yu as he came back home…

Tomose: About 30 minutes left until the rice finishes.

As he headed towards the kitchen in the back, I confessed how long it’d take for the rice to be done.

Yu: This too? The laundry isn’t even done yet either.

Tomose: (Was I caught red-handed?)

The sound of the washing machine vibrated throughout my eardrums. Yu’s ears must have picked up the sound too; that’s how he found out that the laundry wasn’t done yet.

Tomose: We didn’t promise that they had to be done before you’re back.

Yu: You’re making excuses.

Tomose: ……

Yu: Should I make dinner?

Tomose: Yeah.

Yu: I’ll prepare it right away.

After I nodded in response, I followed behind Yu as he headed towards the kitchen to help him out. This was our ordinary day-to-day, just like any other. I savored the joy of being able to live today normally as well.

A few days later—

Yu: Doesn’t seem like the restaurant has a lot of customers around this hour.

Tomose: Then we can take our time. What are you getting, Yu?

There was only one menu placed on top of the table. I looked through it together with Yu, searching for something to order

Yu: I think I’ll get the chicken jambalaya. What about you, Tomose?

Tomose: I’ll also… Never mind, I’ll have the hamburger steak.

Yu: You’re thinking that you can try both if you order something else.

Tomose: You don’t have to point that out.

Whether to feel embarrassed or frustrated that he saw right through me— Those feelings stirred within me as I placed my order…

Tomose: The sauce here is surprisingly really good.

I earnestly said my thoughts as I ate the warm food I had received.

Yu: Shall we order more?

Tomose: No. I’m going to save it for the next time we come here.

As we were talking about various things while eating, Yu suddenly spoke up with a serious expression.

Yu: What are we going to do with Father’s present this year?

Tomose: For his birthday?

Tomose: Last year, we gave him perfume. The one we picked together.

Yu: Right.

Tomose: Then, for this year, it’d be better to give something different…… How about a belt?

Yu: Didn’t we give him one before?

Tomose: Now that you mention it, you’re right.

As I looked back on the past, I became aware of just how much time has passed.   I realized that, in one way or another, Yu has always been present in my memories.

Part 2

As Dad’s birthday arrived, Yu and I visited our parents’ home.

Yu: I know it’s a little late to ask this but…

Yu: Are you sure it’s okay that we didn’t go with what you chose instead?

The present was a book cover. We had trouble picking whose color of choice we should buy, but in the end, we went with the one Yu chose.

Tomose: (That’s rare…)

Undoubtedly, I was sure most people wouldn’t notice that Yu looks a little anxious right now.

Tomose: Dad would be happy with anything because you picked it.

Tomose: He might even cry. He’s been getting more easily moved to tears as the years go by.

Yu: So I don’t have to worry, huh…

And so, with a slight nervousness, we rang the intercom.

Mom: Coming.

The door swung open less than 3 seconds later. Upon seeing Mom’s peachy face, my relief quickly gave way to shock.

Tomose: You should make sure who’s visiting before you open the door.

Mom: I couldn’t help myself when I thought it’d be you two.

Yu: You worry us.

Mom: Fufu, I shouldn’t worry you both. I’ll be careful next time.

Mom: …Come on in, come on in. Would you be a dear and help out with the cooking?

Yu: Okay.

Tomose: (Looks like there’s not much I need to do with Yu here.)

As if he had seen through me, Yu’s expression softened as he gazed at me.

While waiting in the living room with Dad, I watched Mom and Yu, who had their backs towards us while they were busy cooking.

Mom: Haven’t you already gotten better than me at cooking, Yu?

Yu: Better than Tomose at least, I’d say. After all, I do all the cooking.

Tomose: Yu, if you have something to say, tell me.

Yu: It’s not like I don’t want you to do it, Tomose.

Mom: Fufufu, you guys haven’t changed at all.

Dad: That’s true.

Familiar voices changed to bright laughter. Naturally, my heart became filled with warmth.

Dad: …I’m so happy.

Tomose: About what?

Dad: That you two came to celebrate my birthday. Isn’t it quite common for people to drift apart from their families as they become adults?

Tomose: I suppose so.

Myself aside, Yu, who was “taken in”, had assimilated perfectly into the “Onda household”. He had no hesitation nor worries in loving Mom and Dad as his “own”.

Tomose: (I get really happy when this time comes around too, because Yu is able to enjoy it.)

Mom: Oh, you’re putting miso into the hamburger steak?

Yu: If you do that, the flavor becomes richer.

Mom: I see. Next time I make it, I’ll do that.

Yu: Mother’s hamburger steaks are fine as-is. It’s already delicious enough.

Mom: Then, why don’t you make some when you come back once in a while? I want to try some of yours.

Tomose: Alright.

I approached them while they were diligently kneading the patties, answering in Yu’s stead.

Tomose: We’ll try to come back whenever we can.

Dad: You two can come live here again, y’know.

Yu: We’ll become spoiled by that, so don’t think of it.

Mom: Fufu, it’s fine though.

Though I didn’t say it, Yu’s words hit the nail on the head. Because I even found myself wishing to stay in this warmth forever.

Part 3

Once the table was filled with food, it was finally time for the birthday celebration to start. 

Yu: It has been a while since I ate Mother’s cooking.

Mom: Ever since you guys started living together, you haven’t come back home at all.

Tomose: Because we don’t have any reason to come here.

Dad: You don’t need a reason to come. Just drop by once in a while, so your mother doesn’t get lonely.

Tomose: Right. We’ll try.

Dad: Now, we should dig in before the food gets cold. I’m having trouble deciding where to start with this much food.

Yu: ………

Tomose: (I know.)

As I felt Yu’s gaze, I nodded slightly.

Tomose: Before we do, could we have a bit of your time?

I held out the present that I had prepared with Yu to my dad.

Tomose: We’d get too nervous if we waited until later to give it to you. So we thought to do it now.

Yu: Happy birthday, Father.

Dad: Did you pick this together…?

Yu: Yeah.

Tomose: Yu picked the color.

Dad: …Thank you. You are both the best sons I could ask for…

Mom: Oh my, we’re celebrating your birthday, yet you’re crying.

Tomose: (He cried just like I thought he would.)

Dad’s hands were shaking as he took the present. I understood just how happy he was without having to ask him.

Dad: At this rate, I’ll be thinking about the present you have given me.

Dad: I’ll take a good look at it after we eat.

Tomose: Please, do so.

Mom: Then, thanks for the meal. Happy birthday to you.

Tomose: Happy Birthday.

After we said our wishes, we started to dig into the food laid in front of us.

Yu: Mother’s really good at cooking.

Dad: Right. Even if I went to heaven, I’d still want to eat it.

Tomose: Heaven, huh? It’s bad luck to talk about things like that on your birthday.

Yu: This reminds me of something you said before.

Yu: That if you could bring only one thing to a deserted island, it’d be Mother’s cooking.

Tomose: Dad even thought of the side dishes.

Dad: Well, that’s because your mom’s karaage is the best.

Mom: Oh my, you boys talked about this? It would’ve been nice if I was included in the conversation too.

As we happily talked, I brought the potage to my mouth. I thought it was funny that they had prepared my favorite food as well, even though it was Dad’s birthday.

Dad: Do you like it, Tomose?

Tomose: Yeah.

The regular meeting that started with “if there's nothing in particular, we’ll make it short”, really ended in less than 10 minutes. As I was getting ready to leave, I casually mentioned that I had trouble drafting the e-mail for the new client in English. The one that offered to take a look was Okiya Sei-san. The first thing he said after silently staring at the monitor made me take my gaze back from wandering the bookshelf lightly.

Shizuka: I didn’t see that one coming at all.

Sei: Oh, my apologies. It’s just that the working terms for Aporia are pretty much standard like other companies out there. The fact that someone capable of negotiating those terms even as a freelancer would take a full-time job, and even on top of that accepted a role that has nothing to do with a system like the  Head of the Watchdog Department. When I think about it again, it really is quite something.

Shizuka: ……

Sei: As for the draft, there’s nothing wrong about them. I think it can be read with almost the same nuance as the original.

Shizuka: Thank you.

Sei: I’m happy to be of help. If it’s something like this you can ask me anytime.

Shizuka: Okay.

Shizuka: …… To answer the question. It’s because the salary and benefits are good.

Sei: Pardon?

Shizuka: The reason I became full-time at Aporia.

Sei: Oh, thank you for the answer. Salary and benefits. Although they are common reasons, it is no exaggeration to say that it is the most important point when it comes to working conditions.

Shizuka: That’s right. If I can earn efficiently, I don’t care much about anything else.

Sei: Efficiently…

Shizuka: It’s not like I want to work forever.

Sei: Now I’m the one who didn’t see that coming. It does sound like you want to retire early. Either way, I thought you’re the type that really loves to bury yourself with “work”. From the rumor I heard "whenever I go to his house, there’s a pile of lethal doses of energy drink cans lying around”.

Shizuka: Was it Shinkai?

Sei: Fufu, anyway from now on please don’t push yourself too hard and take care of your life in earnest. There’s also another rumor, I heard in your last workplace you were handling something that is life threatening on a daily basis.

Shizuka: Someone was exaggerating that part for sure.  Well, it’s too shady to be defended anyway. But I never heard of any people dying until the end of my service. Also, as you can see, I’m still alive and all. 

Sei: So, it’s not like you were worn down both physically and mentally by the continued suffering, and had no choice but to retire after reaching the limit eventually.

Shizuka: It was time to resign for me anyway, so I just quit.

Sei: That’s a relief. Fushimi-kun is strong as a person. So, I thought that’s a possibility.

Shizuka: Strong as a person?

Sei: Mainly on the psychology side. If I were simply to say you're “mentally strong”, that’s all about it, but your strength is not something that can be described by that alone. Especially your courage to handle people which stands out even in Aporia.

Shizuka: ……?

Sei: Fushimi-kun, no matter who you face, you neither excessively flatter them nor do you reject them.

Shizuka: Well, if what you mean by “excessively” is “more than necessary”, then yes. I don't want to get tired doing something I don't have to.

Sei: “Accept logic and duty equally, and don’t demand anything more than necessary.” It’s a way that could be considered an ideal human relationship. However it’s easier said than done. You are fair and lenient, those traits of yours could bring about a rare balance. I find that a great strength. 

Sei: And that’s the charm that attracts people. Or should I say “that’s how people ended up attracted to you”

Shizuka: …… 

Sei: How you handle people probably gives comfort to those who feel pain and difficulty in so-called “normal” social interaction. 

That comfort will turn into a treasure that can’t be let go. Perhaps, there’s a case like that.

Shizuka: …… If that’s a compliment, thanks.

Sei: It is indeed a compliment, you’re welcome.

Sei: By the way—- is there a case like that comes to your mind?

Shizuka: (Don’t tell me……)

Sei: Sorry for beating around the bush. The other day, I got a report from Soyogu-kun about something that happened on the way back from the proxy work site. 

Sei: A coincidental meeting with your childhood friend, is it okay to ask a bit about Fukuhara-san?

Shizuka: (As I thought, it's a build-up for this topic.)

It's okay. In fact, I fully expected that topic to pop up today. But, for some reason, the meeting ended without that being brought up.

Sei: I'm sorry. When it’s time to check the recent situation, there's no report for such a thing from Fushimi-kun. Thinking about how to do it, I heard Soyogu-kun say “he’s not asking me to keep quiet” so…

Shizuka: If it was another human, I would somehow make them keep quiet about it. But, for Shinkai, it's related to work.

When I took the position of the Head of the Watchdog Department, there's an additional clause “guaranteed of safety" added to the contract. Since Shinkai was the one who’s in charge of that job, asking him not to report about “that” was impossible.

Sei: When you were walking through the street, you ran into him. As soon as he saw you guys, suddenly he rushed over and tried to strangle Soyogu-kun…. 

This is the report I’ve heard. Is there any mistake or misunderstanding? 

Shizuka: Nope, it happened just like how it’s said.

Sei: Soyogu-kun was impressed. He said you seemed not surprised at all and handled it calmly.

Shizuka: I mean, of course I was surprised. But I just thought there’s no time to be surprised, so I just do what I must.

Shizuka: It’s a good thing Shinkai was not injured, but we still needed to turn him in to the police.

Sei: Despite being surprised, you can still respond meaning you were used to that side of him…. Right?

Shizuka: He’s always done something extreme since long ago.

Sei: So it’s not uncommon.

Shizuka: However, Kei… Fukuhara has the reason for acting strangely. As long as he can avoid that, everything should be peaceful. The occurrence was not as frequent as what Okiya-san might have imagined. 

It’s not like he’s born like “that”.

Sei: …… I see.

—

When we were children, he was the one that would get angry and cry on my behalf. No tears or anger needed, watching Kei made me feel at ease. I never asked him to nor did I have any ulterior motive. But, since he always did it on my behalf…… I was probably the one that pushed Kei who used to be “normal”.

Kei: …… Huu … uh … hiks … I don’t want it … I don’t want to see… Shizu-kun like this… How can I make you feel at ease? I’ll get rid of everyone who makes Shizu-kun suffer, just say the name… I’ll make some notes…

Shizuka: That’s dangerous. You don’t need to get rid of anyone, no matter how many people are gone, my job wouldn’t change.

Kei: …… So, it won’t work unless it’s Shizu-kun himself who disappears?

Shizuka: Don’t heed something unpleasant.

Kei: In that case … I …

Shizuka: (Ah…) 

(At this point, he’ll just…)

Kei: …… I can’t ! I can’t kill Shizu-kun !!!

Shizuka: ……It’s a problem if you can. For now, just stop crying and calm down. If you keep making noises like this, the neighbor will report you.

Kei: But…… 

Shizuka: I’ll resign from the company.

—

After that problem and work filled up more. There’s no time. I couldn’t go home. I didn’t see the end of it.  At that kind of lifestyle, Kei was the one who reached the limit first.  If at that time Kei was not like that, probably I wouldn't change work. At the end, even as an adult, I would make him do something “on my behalf”.

Shizuka: (...... Come to think of it, it was the neck at that time too. Well, that’s what happens when you take someone's life with bare hands.)

Even at this very moment, I don’t know how to restart everything. I can’t decide whether Kei getting involved with me is a good thing or not. However, I can predict from past examples what will happen if I completely cut Kei off from me in his current state, so I'm avoiding that option.  There’s nothing you can do once something is damaged beyond repair anyway. 

Shizuka: I barely to almost never talk about Aporia, only spoke about a few things that would cause no harm. At least I made him promise not to come to the dorm” and “if you saw me outside, don’t talk to me carelessly”. 

So, I think it’s okay for now. Even if it doesn't seem like that, I would consult in advance.

Sei: I see. Got it, please do that.

Shizuka: Sure.

… Ah, I’m sorry but I got an appointment so I need to leave now.

Sei: I’m also sorry for holding you back for so long. Are you going out?

Shizuka: No, it’s just Aizawa-kun stopping by.

Sei: Oh, Shinobu-kun. Is it the cleaning?

Shizuka: Yes.

Sei: Fufu. I see… When the long awaited early retirement happens, you should look for a place to settle down that’s close to Shibuya.

Shizuka: Eh? But I want to be away from here.

Sei: But, if it’s too far, won’t it be difficult for Shinobu-kun? The transportation cost will also increase.

Shizuka: …Well, when the time comes, I’ll just pay for it.

Sei: Seems like “not calling him” is not even a choice.

Shizuka: I know I’m just repeating myself, but I don't want to get tired doing something I don't have to.

Sei: Meaning that if it’s something you must do, you’ll do it no matter how tired you are. What a wonderful thing to say. 

Shizuka: It’s a matter of phrasing, huh….

Sei: Fufu.

Wherever I go, no matter how far. The messy and unresolved things pile up before I even get to close my eyes.  The reality that becomes burdensome just by acknowledging it. I can only deal with it once it arises.  Build, execute, revise, and repeat until the necessary parts are connected in the ideal way.

After everything is done, what lies ahead, “eventually”--  A place where one is not tied down to anyone or anything. A moment when one can finally rest and shut eyes in peace. That’s my wish.

-END-

Hi everyone. First of all thank you for the proofread kumonkunliker on X. HAPPY 2nd ANNIVERSARY. Hope you enjoy the event and can't wait for all staff song yeay!

Tomose: ……I’ll take you somewhere you won’t have to end things like this.

I swear I’ll get you there.

So…

Someday, let’s leave this town together, Yuhang. 

I was saved by the warmth of that hand, and came to know of the sins of my own.

Tomose is here now because the life he should have lived was unjustly taken from him. This wouldn’t have been possible otherwise.

“If I continue to repent, perhaps I can still find salvation.”

I thought nothing of that.

Because I believed that I was unforgivable.

Yuzuru: Good work today.

Yu: You’re still here?

Yuzuru: I just finished up, so I’m about to leave. How about you?

Yu: Same here. The sauce needs to be cooled a little more before I can put it in the fridge. I’ll be done after that.

Yuzuru: Oh, meat sauce. It looks delicious.

Yu: Are you hungry?

Yuzuru: Ahaha, I’ll admit that I’m a bit peckish….but it’s fine. It seems like the rain is just going to get heavier, so I’ll head home before it does.

Take care when driving home, okay?

Yu: I didn’t drive today. Tomose’s got the car.

Yuzuru: Oh, right. He took your car instead of one of the company’s for his investigation commission, didn’t he?

Is he back yet?

Yu: No. He’ll be back by tomorrow morning.

Yuzuru: Then it’s just you at home tonight?

Yu: Yeah.

Yuzuru: I’m glad I asked. In that case……

Yu: ?

Kise unhurriedly opens the fridge and begins taking things out from within.

Yuzuru: Um……Oh, maybe this? Here. Take this back with you.

Yu: What’s this?

Yuzuru: Chocolate.

Yu: Didn’t you buy this for yourself?

Yuzuru: I was originally looking to get a small thank-you gift for Yuragi, but I couldn’t decide and ended up buying too much for myself……I’ve got more in the office fridge, so feel free to take it.

Yu: ……I see.

(He’d have no problem eating it all if he went only slightly overboard. Did he buy that much?)

Yuzuru: Even if you’re not hungry when you get home, subsisting on cigarettes alone isn’t good for you. At least eat a little.

You tend to skip meals when Tomose’s not around.

Yu: (......Ahh. So that’s what this is about.)

I don’t have a reason to refute him, so I accept the blue box, which fits in the palm of my hand.

Kise nods and smiles, seemingly relieved.

After returning home.

Giving the room a once-over, I confirm that it appears the same as I left it this morning and head to the kitchen.

I open the box that Kise gave me. Inside there are four pieces of chocolate, the same blue that colours the package.

It’s a little too much, I think, while picking up a piece and chewing it.

Yu: (......Salt?)

Tasting an unexpectedly salty flavour, I turn over the package and find the words “Sea Salt” written there.

For some reason, I happen to think that Tomose would probably like it, the colour included.

Yu: (Salty chocolate, huh. If I added a bit more spice to make the aroma stand out, he might be able to enjoy it.)

(Playing it safe, it’d be star anise, cinnamon, five-spice……maybe some sansho pepper too.)

I put a second piece into my mouth while turning over multiple options for suitable spices in my head.

Adding the aromas from my memory to what I’m tasting on my tongue, a recipe easily comes together by the time I swallow down the melted chocolate.

I replace the lid of the box and reach for my pack of smokes.

Yu: (......It’s quiet.)

He’s not normally noisy, but without Tomose here, there’s almost no sound at all.

Beneath the whirring sound of the ventilation fan, I can faintly hear the rain.

Yu: ……

At times like these, I sometimes wonder if this is all a dream.

I wonder if when I awaken, I’ll be back in that town; back to being told not to doze off, maybe with a kick aimed in my direction, living the life I used to lead.

But if that were true, then when would this dream of mine have begun?

If it all began, say, when I first met Tomose, then I wouldn’t mind waking up.

If a life where he never met me could become his reality, he’d be better off.

He could sleep whenever he wanted, relish the food he ate, and live a life loved by his family. He’d have everything that made up the happiness he once felt.

Everything he would still have, if only I hadn’t been there that day, in that back alley.

???: …………?

……

“It’s dangerous here.” “Come out. I’m not mad at you anymore.”

A language I couldn’t comprehend, followed by words in English.

Yu: ……

(Click)

Those who are kind and say they aren’t mad at you do so because they’ve decided to kill you.

That’s what had been drilled into me about the people of that town.

So the instant he rounded the corner—without a moment of hesitation, I pulled the trigger.

(Bang)

(Whump)

Yu: ……?

The person who had fallen to his knees and collapsed was neither a member of the opposing organisation, nor someone of my own faction who intended to take advantage of the feud and eliminate me—but an unusually well-dressed man.

Yu: (……Ah.)

“Oh. Wrong person.”

That’s all that crossed my mind.

Even when my actual enemy, attracted by the sound of the gunshot, shot the woman who had been standing a bit behind the man because “she was with me”.

Even when, as a result, that child became the boss’s new “doll” and a denizen of that town.

I thought nothing of it.

Tomose: ……Uehh……hic…

Yu: ……

Almost every night, I would ignore Tomose as he stifled his cries and wept.

I believed that a person blessed with happiness such that he cried when deprived of it shouldn’t be playing the victim in front of me, who had nothing.

I went so far as to resent him, thinking he had stolen the last thing I had.

Without knowing a single thing about who I had stolen from, or how much I had taken.

Yu: ……

I haven’t told Tomose about what happened between me and his parents.

Sometimes I get the feeling that he knows about it all, but if he did, there’d be no reason for him to stay with me.

No matter how much I think, I still don’t understand. And yet here I am, forgiven, beside him.

Yu: (......But that’s fine for now. There are still things I can do.)

Tomose is strong.

The boy who once clutched at my clothes before finally closing his eyes can now sleep in a separate room from me.

He, whose sense of taste is almost completely gone, who couldn’t accept even a morsel of other people’s cooking, can now eat the food I make for him.

Yu: (Someday soon, he’ll be able to sleep alone. He’ll be able to enjoy his food regardless of who’s made it.)

I tap the end of my cigarillo onto the rim of a water-filled can.

Some of the fallen ash floats on the water’s surface, but before long, it sinks, as if chasing after the rest of it.

Yu: ……

The Tomose who needs me won’t last forever.

Just a little longer.

Yu: (......But for now, I still……)

And so I put it off, with the words I’ll say at that time remaining eternally undecided.