#bumpbrooklyn

Recently, I thought I was pregnant again....a fun evening out, one thing led to another and a little bad timing (or maybe good) and a few days later, I felt the familiar twinges of early pregnancy, a little cramping, nausea and exhaustion which lasted through the day I should have gotten my next period. Though a negative pregnancy test (okay I did take more than one over the course of a few days just to be certain) confirmed that what I had felt was not going to last. It is not to say that I what I had felt had not been the start of a pregnancy, but I was no longer pregnant and a few days later, my period confirmed that for sure. Over those almost two weeks of thinking that I might be pregnant, part of me really felt ready for another 35+ weeks of pregnancy (and getting to wear next season's maternity fashions), part of me was terrified and unsure of how another baby would impact our family and the possibility of having another boy was a little too much to handle, yet the idea that it might be a little girl, well that was another story.

A little about me - I am a mother of three wonderful but sometimes exhausting boys aged 7, 5 & 2. I always planned on having three kids, though of course I thought there might be a girl in there somewhere. Having grown up with brothers I yearned for a sister and much to my brothers' annoyance I am sure, they put up with me curling their hair, doing their make up and dressing them up on more than one occasion. In many ways I have come to accept that I was meant to have boys and I have my three so I should feel complete. I can wrestle with them, build legos & forts better than my husband (shhh) and I melt when my boys smother me in hugs and kisses...but there is still that part of me that yearns for a more little pink, dresses, pretty shoes & pig tails in the mix. 

A few years ago before I got pregnant with my third son, I had a similar experience of a fleeting pregnancy, what I now know is called a chemical pregnancy but just took it to be a late period since I had never heard about them and how common they are - a very early miscarriage, usually in the 5th week. After having felt those twinges of pregnancy and the emotions that go with it, I realized that I was ready to actively try and get pregnant again. A few months later, I was pregnant, positive test and all - feeling quite nauseous this time so all seemed headed in the right direction. Once again, however, in my 5th week, I had some severe discomfort and started bleeding shortly thereafter. I just assumed I had miscarried, though I still continued to feel all the symptoms of being pregnant. A good friend suggested that I go see my doctor just to double check that everything was okay and find out what my hCG levels were. A week later I saw my doctor and she confirmed that I was still pregnant though quite early and had a "vanishing twin" (yes, twins but one was no longer growing) - needless to say I was excited, relieved, nervous and a little shocked. I held tight, continued to feel more nauseous than I had with either of my previous pregnancies (I feel for those of you with twins - all those hormones are intense). A couple of weeks later, my little guy was doing fine, all bleeding had passed and the "twin" was completely gone. The rest of my pregnancy went fine and my curly blonde haired & blue-eyed little boy is now two. 

We have been on and off the fence when it comes to thinking about expanding our family any more, but there is a part of both my husband and I that would love the idea of a little girl running around after her older brothers and adding a little calm to our house of boys. So, now the question remains, do we actively try for a girl? And how much planning do we do to try to guarantee that we do in fact have a girl? My husband can't event imagine the prospect of 4 boys, I joke that it will be our luck that we'll end up with twin boys...

I feel incredibly fortunate to be able to be in a position where deciding to try again is an option (which I hope I am right to assume would happen if we did indeed try). I know the path to pregnancy is a long and hard one for so many women and for each of us a very personal journey. Over the course of having Bump, I have met many women who have faced their own complications, joys and sadnesses in their journey to becoming mothers and I am so thankful to be able to share in that process even a tiny bit (post conception of course), helping in some little way to make them feel a little more comfortable & beautiful during pregnancy and as a new mother.