Settle down children... let me tell you about the sharks and the bees.  Now now, Suzanne... Suzanne?  Suzanne?  No dear, don't do that.  Ladies don't- SUZANNE! Thank you.  Now face the front, and watch this informative video about the bumbleshark.

I think, before we start, we need to check - if you are here for the lecture on the attic-dwelling bumblelion, well that's taking place in room B12 (the riboflavin suite) next Wednesday.

And so, after bringing in a management consultancy at great expense, we have been able to mind map the bumbleshark - it's genealogy, habitat, mating habits, musical interests, mating habits (yes, we liked talking about the mating habits) and the best place to get a new smartphone (ok, yes, we went off track towards the end of the high-energy, deep-impact workshop in Huddersfield).

And so...

The bumbleshark- often referred to as the "great stripe shark" (latin: carcharodon bumbley) is a member of the order distinguished by possessing two dorsal fins, an anal fin, five gill slits, little bumblebee wings and a mouth extending behind the eyes.  Fucking good technical stuff eh?

The dorsal fins are yellow and black stripes... and furry (a bit like fuzzy felt).

The Great Stripe is found living beneath the surface of music festivals, with large 'hives' being detected in Somerset, Staffordshire, Berkshire, and Yorkshire.  There are reported hives in Spain and also Germany.  Whilst there are festival grounds in Scandinavia, there are no hives due to Norwegian over-bumblesharking.

The Great Stripe is known for its size, with the largest individuals known to have approached or exceeded 6 metres (20 ft) in length, and 2,268 kilograms (5,000 lb) in weight. It reaches maturity between album releases by Arctic Monkeys and can have a life span of over 30 years.

The Great Stripe is arguably the world's largest known festival predator and is one of the primary predators of wombles.  It is also known to prey upon a variety of other festival animals including "twat in a trilby", "dumb bitch in festival wellingtons", "the irritating arse who sits on someone's shoulders and pisses other people off" and, of course, the Welsh. 

It is ranked first in a list of number of recorded attacks on wombles.

Due to a natural wariness of humans, bumbleshark sightings are rare - in fact there are now tourist operators who take festival goers from their tents to specially designated zones in order to try to spot the famous black & yellow dorsal fins.

Sightings are rare although is has now been scientifically proven that the Ska Bumbleshark (latin: carcharodon twotone) has been seen when the music of Bad Manners, Specials and early Madness are played.  Famously, the Madstock festival in Finsbury park led to sightings of over 130 ska bumblesharks and the eradication of large parts of Merthyr Tydfil.

In recent years, bumblesharks have been sighted at dance festivals such as Global Gathering and Creamfields which has led to Ecstasy being fed into the bumbleshark foodchain as they chomp on rancid shifty interbreeding Welshmen.

This has led to the latest dance moves of big shark, little shark, Heimlich vings