dude. let's shorthand this shit out real quick.
be madly in love with someone only to realize eh...they're not that great.
take a walk throughout the city to fall in love with its architecture
photograph everything
he calls me, asks "are you okay?" to which i say "erghuhjahu"
i get a knock on the window around four am, he hugs me, gives me fifty dollars and tells me to "take care of myself". i have no idea what prompted him to do this, or even why, but i accepted it gratefully. washed my hair and brought a train ticket round trip.
think about how easy it is to be in a relationship with him. sort the marbles in my head out and know nope nope nope i need to focus on myself.
write. a lot.
spend time with new/regular friends trying to figure out what the fuck went wrong
agree that it doesnt matter anyway; honesty & brevity is always best
get rid of anything that makes me upset/anxious
his sweater, your sweater, these pictures, old text messages, blah blah blah
bar hop. a lot. before.
have a discussion and listen to him explain that im losing track of what i should be doing. agree. agree wholly. nods for emphasis.
EMPHASIS!!!
mildly catch pneumonia in the rain/sit on the drunk train and enjoy the ride
cry in the rain "UGHHHH WHYYYY NOOOOO"
it is april. yet i havent seen any tears yet. we're fucking up tradition.
cook breakfast for these damn people and it takes three hours
the food was good. the stove took forever to heat up. i'm always in the kitchen in boxers cooking. or naked. naked is always wonderful too.
end up home. and when i say home, i mean home as in with ichelle, and all my highschool friends.
get the speech of "i saw the picture of you guys. so what's going on with you two, are you back together again?" "you guys make a great couple!" "no, aren't you with the other--" "wait, so that whole fling is over with?" "ughhhh" "what?" "you're living a real episode of pretty little liars" "how the fuck" "why?" "but how was the sex" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERES NO SEX?" "...you're banned from mcdonalds?"
drink. happily. converse. touch base.
find out something interesting.
get lots of hugs and kisses and support and laughter and much needed common sense
rewind my timeline just to make sure i'm not imagining things
sleep in the bathtub
write a letter to myself and try not to drop the pen and paper in the fucking water
fail. i fucked up i fucked up. that was a good sharpie. such tight. much mad. tell myself "it's okay to just treat yourself every once in a while and not worry about outside issues"
TREAT YO SELF
hug my mother and put her to sleep/plan out hospital trips this week
weirdly enough, a lot of people have been asking me if i'm okay/not to vanish. i'm not, trust me. if one thing i always say is there's beauty in the breakdown. ive been pretty mellow this weekend. i tied up as many loose ends as possible (had a nice (formal? didn't want to stab them at least) conversation with an enemy (???) as well) to clear way for may.
you know. i lay in the street and i look up at the stars (it's always better at night, unless it's summer. then it's the clouds) and i center in on one and inhale. and it's like, clarity comes through comfort. through time. through examination. if i get scared over everything, i would never be able to function. (this is just a sidenote for future me, though)
may is going to be a very big fucking deal.
right. right?
