#buddhaway

Today marks the last day of my prerequisite courses (ps starting grad school next week, surprise!). It's been 3 weeks, 28 hours of class a week, 11 papers, 12 quizzes, 2 exams for 6 credits. Suffice to say, I've had easier months in my life. 

But the best part about today doesn't seem to be about classes at all. I just got off the phone with my friend Emily who left Upaya the same day I did. She's out in California knee-deep in another moving process as she balances a full-time job, grad school plans, and her future on a foundation of three years of intensive Zen practice. Sure, I could write how hearing her voice alone inspired me, or how we shared many of the same mental struggles, but she taught me today (unknowingly) to contain myself.  Somewhere between the paper assignments and the history lessons, under the police sirens and certainly above the freezing temperature, I forgot my mind. Maybe I lost it eyeing the billboards I tell myself don't effect me, or maybe it was after I glanced at my zafu and figured I'd make time later, but chances are I lost my mind back at Upaya. I left it there, morelike. Since I've been back, it's been a constant pendulum swing- I've told myself I was struggling to keep balance, but in reality, I was binging on dozens of different distractions to fill the hole and comfort that Zen life gave me. Ironic, huh? 

Did my heartbeat change? Did I stop breathing? Was the sun any less warm or the snow any less cold? Because I certainly have been acting like I don't feel them. I've forgotten to contain myself- to keep my mind and my heart guarded with the gentle discipline of love.

Emily's phone call and Ray's email converged today to remind me of who I am. It reminded me more importantly that whoever I am is not alone. Sure, they're spread out a little farther than I'd like, the meditation masters and the activists, but it's a community nonetheless. I need to invest myself the same way I did at the Zen Center- the schedule and the scenery may vary, the mind that experiences them is still accessible. I need to stop mentally running. 

"All things change,

Strive earnestly for freedom.