#buckyhoward

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Howard Atonement

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Dear Howard My therapist said I need to make sure, even if it might be useless. That people know I am sorry. Apparently it will help me to sleep better. I doubt it. What do you tell people you hurt? Steve said it wasn't me, Over and over again. Like a broken записывать. I know that. It doesn't change though that I did it nor that I would do it again if te the need would arise. You would have been расстроенный by Steve. He stayed the same but also not. It is difficult to explain. He just hasn't been the man anymore I grew up with while demanding I am. It would be is insane to haven't changed by a war, even without the decades fighting. I am glad you got saved that. Tony, your son said you looked for Steve during your your lifetime before I murdered you. He seemed to be a lot like you. Saved the world

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To: Sergeant James B. Barnes In Red: DECEASED, KILLED IN ACTION Return Address: A.P.O. 88, J.D. 46°04'15.8''N, 13°14'04.5''E To resend immediately 10/22/44

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10th of Jan. '45 Mail returned to original sender. Addressee reported killed in action. APO 81 K.J.

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TO THE BRAVE SOLDIER IT CONCERNS, WE INFORM YOU THAT DUE TO CONCERNS OF OUR ALL - ESPECIALLY YOUR OWN AND YOUR FELLOW SOLDIERS! - SAFETY, ALL LETTERS FROM AND TOWARDS YOU WILL BE OPENED. -UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF WAR

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19th of August 1944 Dear James, While I should be happy to have won our bet, the only thing I can actually only find the the joy of hearing that my pestering, as you called it, was successful. I have thought just as often back to the days and nights spent with you and your men. And what remarkable men, I must say, as your names are known even here. I am glad to hear that Captain Rogers decided for once to follow for once his common sense and to follow Ms. Carter. And, as selfish it may sound, to not only come back to New York with an honorable man and soldier, but also with a friend. While we might shouldn't drink enough to stumble over our words and feet this time, it often is still as enjoyable to wake up in someone else's quarters, though often, but not always, with a lot more enjoyable company than more drunk men. Just be assured that you might regret it, as I found that I not only enjoyed our hours of talking, but started to miss it - and yes, even the nights spent without talking and just each other's company start to be a fond memory I assume you will cure me of quickly.

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James

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11th March 1970 Dear James, I am giving up and I need you to forgive me. I looked decades for you, for Steven. Even when people around me told me, that either is without help. And that, even if we ever would find Steve, your remains would be something, the mountains will keep. I tried to ignore it, but I also a man of science and know, how much I lied, still lie, to myself. Peggy even threatened to let the world know. At least if I continue to look forward. And while I must admit that I have been quite surprised about her knowledge of us, I am also surprised about how I could ever assume anything could go past her. Believe me James when I say, that lady got even more frightening than back then. Men still underestimate her and by God, I am glad she washed my head with a lot less experience. She's good. Has a husband, children. I know it doesn't sound like her, but she has them. Her youngest just got engaged, but will wait until college is done. Peggy made sure, her family was just as cared for as her soldiers.

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The rest of the world though...It changed. Nothing is the same and a lot of it is due to my inventions. The only thing remaining the same is the never ending war. Good for business, but I know how tired of it you were. And, with all it's innovation, change and new possibilities, I still don't think you would like it. Not what politics became, society, me. I am not even sure if you could have changed with everything. Which was my first, and admittedly last clue, that I needed to let go of you. I cannot imagine you in this world, at least not happily. Lately not at all, though I admit that it could be the rising responsibility and fear of my changing circumstances. I will be a father soon. It wasn't planned, not anymore. But I cannot deny that it is a dream come true for us. Her name is Maria. She's been at my side for longer than most people and she neither has tried to kill me nor has she tried to change me, which I will never understand. As mentioned, I am not a person anymore, you would like. Maria knows a few things. Not all. She never asked and I never offered. At first, I assumed she just wanted to sell a story about the Howling Commandos as her

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questions often were quite different. But she never did. She stayed and listened and laughed with shining eyes and I knew that she was the woman I wanted to keep. Didn't ask her out again until Jarvis had to call the doctor a second time as I drank too much. Even nowadays it sometimes feels, like I am betraying you. And now we are expecting late. The doctors were surprised that Maria could even still get pregnant. As far as we know it will be a boy. There is now technology that can tell you, if you will get a boy or a girl. It's not a 100% reliable yet, but just imagine what medicine could do in another thirty years. Which leads me again to the reason why I am writing these lines: While I am aware that I will be a great father, I hope I will be a good one for the baby and I won't be able to do that when I am chasing a ghost. For years, I didn't manage to get new information or signs about Steve. I fear, the plane will be lost forever in the ocean. And you? I won't lie to myself, the possibility that you survived somewhere and that you are alive has been a conspiracy theory, yes, but none I can ever believe. But I had always hoped, to at least bring you home. I never could and I know

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12nd May '44 Dear Howard, even though I had hoped to last longer than you do as I had bet with you, you and me both will see that I have not only lost the bet, but I did it a lot quicker than I, foolishly, bet. I can't find it in me though, to see it as a failure. The last month my thoughts often wandered back to the months we spent. To the drinking and laughing, the card games and just the feeling of all of us together, even if on some nights we were drunk enough to not only need help to find the right quarter

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but also to walk. The last month also made me think about the future and I think I will take you up on the offer of finding a home again in New York with your help. I assume that Steve will go where Peggy will go and that's alright for me. He found something with her and that should end with them living together. That's another thing the months taught me, that became clear in the nights we spent talking, that became clear for me during the nights we didn't—and more importantly, the nights in the last month that were spent as alone as someone can be in our situation. All those things that Steve craves and that he will not only get but will take like a fish to the water? Those sound nice,

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I won't lie, but they don't sound like the kind of things I want from life anymore. So, while it is a thing unknown for me, I would be more than happy to try out a life on my own with your help. Thank you for that, it is more already than I assumed I could hold on this war. Regarding the new rifle that the army issued for me, you were absolutely right. Those corrections you made will be more than useful on the battlefield. Though as Steve likes to point out, not as useful as the shield. Ever saw a little child getting a new fancy doll or a toy truck? Or a dog a bone? That's Steve right now for

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you and is truly hilarious. And while I hope you didn't get as used to our talks and our games as I did as that would mean you will miss them as much as I do, I do hope you miss a few of them and not already regret, that you have offered me as much as you did. Sincerely yours, James Barnes

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