#bs200

This week’s prescribed reading really taught me, and reminded me, of a lot of key points in the design world. One thing that I really resonated with though was Shaughnessy’s advice on time management.

My heart sinks at the word. My spine gets all tingly and my throat suddenly feels very tight. Time management has always been my arch enemy. Not because I’m unorganised - on the contrary my planner is kept up to date with precision, decorated with a variety of To-Do’s, reminder’s, lists and important dates to note. Google Keep is one of the most opened apps on my phone. I plan each day, each week, each month to the T and well in advance. So why is my biggest complaint always “I’m running out of hours in a day”?

“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.” - Marshall B Rosenberg

Putting conversations like this into practice has been good for me. I have recognised my classical avoidance tendencies as a way of escaping the inevitable conflict. Confronting triggers with non-violent communication leads to important change for me and my circumstances.

As Victor Frankl points out, the moment between impulse and action is of most importance. Awareness of this has helped me to catch the impulse and think before I react. 

Relationship Checkpoints:

Do you know what is expected of you / Are you meeting expectations?

Does your boss trust you / Do you trust your boss?

Do you recognise your boss’ various management styles?

Can you recognise your boss’ strengths / Do you feel that your strengths are valued?

When I see that someone is not coping, I tend to go into RESCUER mode. Next time this happens I will acknowledge my tendencies to help others to the detriment of my own responsibilities and also make myself aware of how these actions deprive others of self-empowering action. By making myself aware of these tendencies I will empower myself to go into COACH mode where I will guide, encourage, and motivate others to deal with the task at hand leaving myself with the time needed to attend to my own responsibilities.

Rescuer to Coach

“What do you need to be able to do this yourself?”

When  there just aren’t enough hours in a day to get all my work done , I tend to go into VICTIM mode. Next time this happens I will rather take a step back, recognise that I have too much on my plate, communicate what I am able to achieve and strategise a methodical plan to manage what is possible rather than focusing on what is not in order to empower myself to go into CREATOR mode.

Victim to Creator

“I can choose how to deal with this”

When I am debating solutions with my siblings, I tend to go into PERSECUTOR mode. Next time this happens I will rather recognise that I am projecting my own insecurities and that I am disempowering my sisters whom I love in order to empower myself to go into CHALLENGER mode.

Persecutor to Challenger

“What can I learn from this?”

NVC (non-violent communication) is a guiding framework that serves as a different lense through which to view the world.

In entails how we express ourselves to other people, how we empathize with them, and howbwe communicaye and connect with ourselves.

NVC encompasses forms of violence that are more nuanced than physical violence (punishment, reward, guilt, shame, duty ir obligation).

Language has a bigger impact on us than we realise. It determines the lens through which we view the whole world. NVC is aimed at using words as windows rather than walls.

NVC states that how we feel is mot determined by what people do but rather how we interpret the behaviour of others at any given moment.

When we experience a certain feeling we need to try and figure out why we experience that particular feeling instead of blaming the other person's actions for our experience. Framing the situation in the form of an unmet need is a lot more effective and productive.

"There is a gap between stimulus and cause- and our power lies and in how we use that gap."

According to NVC the only thing people express are their feelings and needs. When we judge we direct our attention to judging what is wrong with other people for not meeting our needs.

NVC avoids static thinking which placed us in a box (I am lazy). If we place ourselves into a definitive box we tend to actualize that harmful view we have of ourselves.

NVC distinguishes between value and moralistic judgements. Value judgements are beliefs about what meet your needs; moral judgments atr static analyses of people.

NVC requires learning how to say what your needs are, which of those are getting fulfilled and which are not.

NVC is of the opinion that punishment, guily, shame, force are ineffective in the long term. NVC also believes that it is in everyone's interest that people change, not in an attempt to avoid punishment, but because they see the change as benefiting themselves.

Situation:

About a week ago I went to the beach with my two straight heterosexual male friends. I, being queer and still exploring, usually have no problems when going out with my friend group as they all know I am still trying to figure myself out. While at the beach, just the three of us, Zack and Sean (Fake names) started treating me like I was a similar straight identifier as they were. They were constantly making the conversations about their current heteronormative situations and experiences with womxn (Disclaimer: it was nothing problematic, degrading or sexualizing.) Most of the conversation I sat in an uncomfortable position just nodding along wanting to avoid a conflict of identity assumptions. I decided to approach this situation before it became bigger than what is was.

 I used the following:

When I hear you talking only about your straightness and heteronormative experiences, I feel completely empty and excluded from our conversations. I feel like this because I value sharing my experiences too as well as sharing time with you. Would you be willing to be more inclusive in subject matter and willing to hear more about my homosexual experiences when the womxn in our group are not around.

 Aftermath:

Zack and Sean were pretty surprised to hear me voice this concern. However they were fully willing to comply and felt terrible about their actions and aim to change their behavior.