#brugaves

“Show yourself!”

The children flinched at the harsh, gruff voice coming from the corridoor and they quickly attempted to smother the lantern that Zale had spent upwards of ten minutes trying to light. They huddled together, trying to keep as quiet as possible as the thundering footsteps approached their hiding spot. Garl let out a little gasp, quickly covered by Valere’s hand, as the door to the small closet opened and moonlight poured in hiding the stranger’s face in silhouette.

“Valere, Zale?”

The two solstice children breathed sighs of relief, jumping to their feet at the sight of their teacher, Brugaves. Valere stopped herself short of running into his arms, unsure of whether they were in trouble, she had never heard the man’s voice that threatening or angry. Zale, however, felt no such hesitation, running toward the man and wrapping his arms around Brugaves’s legs, squeezing tight.

“Hi, Brugaves,” Zale grinned, “We were having cookies with Garl! Do you want some?”

Garl, who had since also relaxed at the sight of the familiar blue clothed man, held up the small pink plate which only had two cookies remaining. It was closer to one and a half due to the suspicious bite mark in the left cookie, but Brugaves held up a hand in refusal. “Thank you for the offer,” he said, reaching down to ruffle Zale’s hair, the boy’s arms still clinging to his knee, “But I’ll have to pass. Sit down, children.”

The three friends sat down eagerly next to one another, looking up at the moonlit man with wide eyes. He gave them a fond smile, brushing his hand against Valere’s cheek making her giggle, before sitting cross-legged himself in front of them and taking a deep breath.

“I’m glad you three are having fun, and I’m sure Garl’s cookies are delicious, but you mustn’t sneak around the academy late at night, it’s dangerous.”

Zale’s smile fell and Valere looked down in shame, Garl only slightly frowned as if confused. The blue-haired girl bit her lip at her growing shame, stopping it from wobbling with her proximity to tears. She felt awful for having failed Brugaves, she had never wanted to see that expression of disappointment painting his features. Her hands clenched against her legs, why hadn’t she thought of that earlier and stopped them from sneaking out of the dorms?

Brugaves’s hand covered her small ones, patting her fists. She could see the small scars littering the tan skin of his hands, she thought they looked like art decorating his fingers and wrist. Valere looked up at her teacher, seeing his face smiling down at her.

“I’m not mad, I promise, or disappointed. I’m only worried about you all,” Brugaves spoke, withdrawing his hand from the small girl, “Next time you all want to have cookies and I’m around, let me know and I’ll make time for you during the day to have a break to enjoy them at your secret hideout.” He finished his sentence off with a wink toward the children, making them break out into excited giggles.

“Now, come, it’s time to get back to the dorms. Garl, I’ll take you home,” Brugaves gestured, getting to his feet. The three whined slightly, but complied with Brugaves. Valere stood, taking Zale’s hand in her own and leading him toward the dorm. She turned back to see Garl offering his cookies to Brugaves once more, this time with him obliging and taking the non-bitten cookie and bringing a finger to his mouth in a hushing motion. He stood then, leading Garl toward the academy exit, sending Valere a quick wink and shooing motion when she caught his gaze. The girl only giggled and ran with Zale in hand back to the dorms.

“Valere?”

The woman flinched at the voice, startling her from staring into the glittering pond reflecting the night’s full moon and it’s effervescent glow. She looked up to see the golden skinned man she was well acquainted with by now, his shining blonde hair and bright blue eyes a familiar sight. Those same eyes shone with a concerned light, nestled under furrowed dark eyebrows, a somewhat rare visage on the usually happy Zale.

“Are you okay,” he asked, drawing her attention once more. She sighed, facing forward again, leaning back against the tree she was sitting underneath, looking directly at the full moon this time.

“No, I guess not,” she said, patting the space beside her. Zale sat down next to her, settling in easily and patiently waiting for Valere to continue.

“I was just thinking about Brugaves,” she said, pausing to see Zale’s reaction.

His eyes widened slightly before turning sorrowful, following the frown that developed as well. He followed her gaze to the bright and round moon above them, breathing out slowly, “Oh, I see.”

The two sat in silence for a moment, drinking in the other’s calming presence and conversing without words regarding their grief. They hadn’t properly talked about what had happened, never having time to properly process the stinging betrayal they both suffered and the lack of a real goodbye they both faced with the traitors.

“After everything in the Clockwork World, it’s been on my mind a lot,” Valere said finally, breaking the comfortable silence, “The feral queen. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that she came from me, she was created from my feelings.”

“You know you’re more than those feelings, right,” Zale said, leaning further into the tree and turning his head to face Valere, “Feelings are complicated, you’re not the Feral Queen, she’s only part of you. She’s not your whole.”

“I know,” Valere smiled sadly, “But the things she said…”

Zale waited for her to continue.

“They sounded so similar to what they said,” Valere finished, hearing Zale’s even breathing catch, “She sounded like Erlina.”

“That’s not true,” Zale protested, but Valere interrupted him.

“It is. They both wanted to be free of this life, this responsibility. Erlina never chose this, she was born into it, we were never given another option or pathway. It was always decided for us.”

Zale fell silent, weighing his words carefully.

“Both of them wanted to live for themselves, to choose what they would do with their day each morning when they woke up. Not have to constantly apply salve and wrappings, to be able to have hobbies, to feel scared, to choose to run away,” Valere continued, staring hard at the moon above them, “And I miss them.”

“But their actions and choices,” Zale started, considering both her and his own words.

“Were wrong,” Valere finished, “I know that. But I don’t think their descent erases who they were before the Acolytes got to them. They meant so much to us, they mean so much.”

The blonde lowered his raising hand, “Yeah, you’re right. I miss them too. The worst part is when I feel like I understand them and their choices. I wish it was simple, I wish it was black and white. I’m scared that I would’ve made those same choices they did.”

“But you didn’t,” Valere reassured, “We had the choice to join them and we didn’t.”

“Yeah,” Zale hummed, “It feels like we lost them twice. Once at Wraith Island when we found out and the second when Aephorul transformed them.”

Valere nodded, “I feel the same way. We didn’t get to say goodbye either time. I was too…angry.”

She looked down at her hand, envisioning claws extending from the tips of her fingers, “The Feral Queen was a part of me then, too.”

“I wonder sometimes if I refused them because it just seemed like the right thing to do,” Zale said, “I wanted to do what was right, what Morraine would’ve wanted, what a hero would do. Maybe Narcis King was part of me then as well. Maybe I should’ve tried to hear them out.”

“Brugaves,” Zale continued, voice breaking and shaky, “He looked so devastated when we saw them after that. He wanted us to join him. He still wanted to protect us, even then. And I yelled at him, I was so upset. I didn’t even say goodbye, I didn’t tell him how much I appreciated him, I didn’t try to understand him.”

Valere reached out, laying her hand between Zale’s shoulder blades in a comforting gesture, “I know how you feel. I wish I had talked to him, I wish I hadn’t been so angry.”

“I wish they were here,” Zale choked out, “I need their advice, I need Erlina’s guidance, I need Brugaves’s hugs. I just miss them.”

Valere only rubbed small circles onto Zale’s back.

“Do you remember when Erlina put us through that brutal training camp month,” Zale said suddenly, a garbled laugh escaping him, “It was awful.”

“I do remember,” Valere sighed, smiling softly, “She was pretty strict, but we were the better for it.”

“But when we would sneak off early to see Garl, she would always look the other way, even though we were so obvious,” Zale sniffled, “She knew, she definitely knew.”

Valere nodded, feeling her own eyes mist, “She cared for us so much, in her own way.”

“Valere,” Zale started, turning toward her, startling the woman, “I can’t believe we hurt her.” His expression crumpled, “She did so much for us and we fought her.”

“Zale,” Valere sighed, trying to control her breathing, “We had to. You know we had to.”

“I know,” Zale answered, but his sobs continued, “Knowing that doesn’t help.”

“Yeah,” Valere frowned, “I guess it doesn’t.”

She gently guided Zale’s shaking body to lean against hers, resting her head atop hers and returning her gaze to the looming moon above them. She could feel Zale slowly calming down against her, his breathing becoming more even with the occasional wet hiccup.

“I miss them, too, Zale,” she whispered to his relaxing form, “I don’t know how to stop.”

“I don’t either, I don’t think I want to,” Zale stuttered, recovering from the emotional overload he underwent, “I love them too much to forget them, or forgive them.”