My older brother died last year. He OD'd on Carfentanil.
He was not a good person at the end of his life and I wasn't able to have a relationship with him. I never got to say goodbye. I last spoke to him 6 months before he died.
I have so much guilt over not being able to save him.
He lived a hard life on his own terms and refused to bend to accommodate anyone else.
He would go weeks or months without checking in with anyone and with Christmas comingI keep thinking he's just out of touch again. That in a few more months he'll reach out and I can get another chance to fix everything.
I'll never get another chance to say hello and that I love him no matter what. I love him more than anything. I wish I'd done things different. I wish I'd been able to love him harder. To love him better
I wish I'd been able to do something. To do anything.
He's gone.
He's gone in such a big real way and he's gone forever. He's not just gone for a year or 5 years. He's gone forever. He's gone forever.
He's gone forever.
I miss him so much. He loved star trek and drawing big cool complicated space ships he loved art and was so good at him and I'm so fucking mad that he squandered his life for a quick fix.
I wish I could fix it all.
I wish I wish I fucking wish.
