Chas asks what events would be included in the “Brolympics.” Well, I think I’m too lazy to put on an event like that. It sounds like a lot of work. But if somehow someone decided to pay me a lot of money to be an “advisor” to the event, It’d probably go like this.
1. 100-yard dash. This would give Americans a huge advantage because no one else would know how long the race is.
2. Beer-keg haul. You’d have to haul a beer keg up three flights of stairs to your Chicago walk-up apartment. Then run back to the liquor store to get the tap you forgot to pick up. Then have a few beers from your fridge before attempting to actually tap the keg. If you get it right the first time, the judges will call “foul” to simulate your cousin Otis throwing up on the tap, so you’ll have to remove the tap, wash it, and then hook it up again. Fastest person do to all this, plus finish the keg, wins! Not that I’ve ever done this personally or anything!
3. Football. Every country plays according to the rules of the game “Football,” whatever that is in their home country. I think we’ve got this one, America!
4. Buddy marathon. In this event, seasoned athletes have to get their buddy Carl through his first marathon. Carl first started running three months ago, and has completed only one long run of 6 miles. But he was getting over a cold for that run, so he could totally probably finish a marathon. You’re not allowed to carry Carl, but any other method of getting him to the finish is legal.
5. Ice capades. Each country fields a team of 16 skaters, who would have 24 hours to stage, costume, and present an hour-long ice-skating spectacular to a theme of my choosing (think “Asian Salsa!”), culminating in Winona Wonderstocking doing a double axel through the notorious Flaming Chasm of Death. The team that sells the most tickets wins!
6. Amateur professional wrestling. In keeping with the amateur spirit of the Olympic Games, unpaid wrestlers would do all the pro moves, but instead of getting the $2000 “taking all comers” prize the winner goes home with a lousy medal. The match, of course, is fixed, but that only leads to more extremely telegenic infighting to build up hype for Brolympics II in Honolulu, Hawaii.
