I don't have my driver's license. I have never had a driver's license. Only a learners permit. Which I have gotten over seven times. Never even taken a road test before. Have always aced the written test. Wasted money on driver's training classes when I was 15/16. My sister paid for those classes and I never paid her back for it. I feel really bad about that. I let her down. I let myself down. I let my family down. I wish I had my driver's license. I wish to be able to escape. I wish to stop letting my family down. I wish to stop letting myself down. I wish that I didn't have a fear of driving. I wish that the first time I learned what death meant it wasn't because of my cousin dying from a car accident. I was 5 when it happened. He was 19. He was the only cousin that I had fun and connected with. I have never connected with any of my other cousins like I did him. Why can I not get pass this fear? Why is it that when I said I have a fear of driving, it got thrown in my face that I have never been in a accident. My sister has been in a accident before, a couple of years back, (Almost 10 years ago. Thank God and everything beautiful in this world that her and her now husband were okay and that it was not a more serious accident then what it was) and screamed at me when I tried to explain my fear to her. She told me that I don't know what its like to be in a accident (which granted I didn't (and luckily still don't)) and said that out of the two of us the only one allowed to have a fear of driving is her and that she forces herself to drive. Then she belittled me about not having a license. I feel bad she got in that accident. I am glad that she and her now husband were fine that day (and all the days pass that) and nothing more serious happened but how do I explain my fear better to her and everyone else. I feel like I'm meant to die from a car accident. Then last year my sister got involved in another accident involving a semi-truck, icy roads, and a light post. Luckily everybody was okay (including my nephew who she was pregnant with a the time) but her car was totaled. I'm not gonna try to explain my fear anymore to her. I can't. I just wish I already had my license. I need my driver's license. I'm ashamed and embarrassed of not having my driver's license. Ashamed and embarrassed that my eldest neice might get her's before I get mine. I should not be envious of her, I should feel proud of and for her. She still has a couple of months before she can even start to take classes, I WILL BE PROUD OF/FOR HER when she starts training. I will get my permit again. I will take the road test (hopefully pass). I will get my license. Soon. Hopefully.
