#broey

I was talking with some of my colleagues one night and one of the women said - “I can’t believe AAAAA said that about me! He said all I do is mathematical modeling! Who does he think he is? I do way more than that! You can’t just boil my work down to one thing!” I was a close friend of AAAAA, so I stepped in to defend him. “Ah, he’s just joking! He doesn’t even know you that well does he? He’s not trying to diminish your abilities, he’s just generalizing based on what he knows.” That only made her angrier and my other colleagues jumped in saying that AAAAA was wrong to diminish someone in that way, regardless of whether it is a joke, it is unprofessional. This is where I became very puzzled, where was the line between professionalism between colleagues and when you could crack jokes and poke fun at one another like good friends (or bros) do? 

Most people I interact with and work with I tend to be bro-ish with them. Women or men, its more of a familiarity and joking type of atmosphere that allows me to be more frank, open, and friendly with my coworkers. This feeling of closeness and fraternal bonds is important to me and it feels good to be able to share experiences with colleagues that would otherwise be unprofessional. Quite honestly, I prefer this bro-ey-ness to professionalism. 

I was surprised at how shocked I was at her response. I was unwilling to allow these professional guidelines from blocking me from properly expressing myself to my friends. The comment was not meant to be negative, how could she take such a strong offense to this? Then I remember the recent news of Uber CEO Travis Kalanick getting fired. He was fired for creating a culture that also garnered demeaning views and attitudes toward women. I don’t believe he ever tried to create this culture, however I’m certain he did not stop it. Possibly because (like me) he did not see how it was offensive or hurting others. Obviously I’m not trying to be demeaning towards women, but this incident made me realize that my colleague, a woman, was infuriated by what I would have perceived as a passing joke. 

At first I was angry - how could she misread someone’s intentions so badly? I wanted to scream, “He wasn’t being mean he was trying to make a joke! You’re giving him way too much credit if you really think his comment is diminishing your work or role!” This comment would have never bothered me, and yet that’s probably why I did not understand her point of view. Clearly there is something I am missing here that made her so angry about that comment. I may not understand it, but that doesn’t mean I should not try to change my thoughts or behavior. 

My colleagues went back and forth explaining that it was unprofessional to make snide remarks or comments about someone. I agree that is true, but was that truly a snide remark? To make it worse, if that is true, then I’m in trouble because I make remarks like that all the time! Being unprofessional at times is what has helped me make connections with people and is the reason I do special things for others. Giving gifts, or going out as a group is not a professional courtesy, it comes from a feeling of familiarity and connectedness. This is the type of culture I want. I know that to a stranger remarks like that can certainly come off as rude or unwarranted, but that’s not the case if you are friends. Right? 

i’m gonna be very inappropriate, little kids cover your ears. seriously. nsfw stuff and it’s all joey’s fault.