#brittainytaylor

8:30am: Wake up Brittainy, you’ve got a last minute casting. And since when do you wake up past 6:30am? Why is your makeup running? When did this happen? More importantly, how?

Look in the mirror, Brittainy; stop picking at your face. You’ll scar. Or have you already so much internally you don’t give a fuck anymore about what it looks like publicly? Or are you doing it for publicly? Speaking of public, real classy Catholic girl with the sailor’s mouth. College education hard at work with the colorful words. Webster word of the day? Hard on yourself this morning, aren’t we?

Stop being a victim, Brittainy. Haven’t you heard that enough lately? Or do you just like hearing it? Was that a class-characteristic they put in the yearbooks now? Most likely to be a victim. Because that’s such an easy word off their tongues. They use it more than Hello to you now. Eventually you’ll show them; bullies. They have no idea the strength you really possess, how much life you’ve lived and the crosses you’ve chosen to carry. Yeah, chosen.

9:15am: Über, Brittainy, über is here. The only thing there for you anymore. And even then it comes at a cost. Sometimes a surge. But if it gets you where you need to go, who cares the cost. Right? What a thought.

Get to places on time, Brittainy. Seems impossible anymore. Fuck, even just getting there is improbable. You’ve become THAT friend. They don’t even expect you to be there. Is your presence even missed? Shit, do you even have presence anymore? Phone ring - reality calling: you’re still anticipated.

10:30am: Well the lights on are you now, Brittainy. Your presence is in the room now with them. What are you going to do? Put on a show and hope to God they don’t see you, or show yourself and pray to the same God they do?

— My Nashville mornings have begun to mesh like this recently. Seems following “the dream” becomes much more complicated when you change it every 27 seconds. I used to think there was beauty in chaotic brainstorming; now it’s become much more of a financial burden and a way into psychotic refuge.

But today, today was the day I stopped saying “used to”. It still is. Life is still a fucking beautiful melodramatic scenery of lessons. And it started with a car ride to a coffee shop and a reminder from a light that brought me back to realizing my own. I am a light; I never need anyone’s reassurance that it’s there.

I saw the woman I know I can be in the girl I was listening to tell the girl I am being that that’s not the woman I am. And then she dropped me off at the house of a woman we both strive to become.

Powerful.

Productive chatter is in abundance with my female mentors; this one being no different. Within moments I felt the ice melting away my introverted numbness toward life’s inexplicable ebbs and remembered what most makes me an Aquarian; going with the flow. Life in its twisting moments were always when I caught momentum because around every bend is a wild rapid and waterfall that begs of me to plunge into. Why was I merely dipping into the waters I used to cannonball?

And where is God in all this? Cliché, isn’t it? Blame the one who created you for destroying you. Forgetting the part where He created you with manual speeds; not automatic.

But when you start to hydroplane you relinquish the responsibility that you chose to go off-road in the first place. Sure, Jesus take the wheel now that I've completely screwed up and spiraling to my doom.

As I shuffled up the stairs of the church, ready like Rocky to face Big Man in his own ring, only to feel like the Brazilian against Rousey. I saw the sign that the “Refuge”, the class I was going to, was cancelled. The entire state of Tennessee AT&T was shut down. I was unplugged, offline, and out of charge.

T.K.O.

I set out for him today; I made plans with the man upstairs and he taught me a valuable lesson: He can cancel too.

So I walked alone on the highway with no more energy to even break down one more tear. I was so tired of looking down, I decided to look up. And there it was. A rainbow. Tiny, barely there, senseless block of light. But it was there enough to make me feel like Noah on the Arc.

Genesis 9:16 Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.

“The rainbow appears when we have most reason to fear the rain prevailing; God then shows this seal of the promise, that it shall not prevail. The thicker the cloud, the brighter the bow in the cloud.”

Be still, Brittainy. You’re not crying anymore because you can’t - because God won’t let you. The reign of rains of sadness is no longer you see. God didn’t cancel; life didn’t let you down; you didn’t fail. It’s simply time to walk the earth with fresh eyes and an even more open heart. You choose, dear child, who walks with you and shares that.

"These setbacks were setups for come backs”

So how do we come back, Brittainy? Get your voice back louder, Brittainy. Fight smarter, not harder, Brittainy. Shine your light brighter, Brittainy. Be, Brittainy. Better.

That’s it. Be Brittainy Fucking Taylor.