#bright365

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to start this for some time now. I still haven’t figured it out but here we go...

How to help the grieving

Just over a year ago my mother passed away.

Wait.

That’s a lot to unpack. How? Why?

I’m not yet ready to talk about it because I might not make it through this one thing I’ve been trying to do for so long.

I don’t know how many points there will be.

I feel like I needed to share because I realized there are so many people on both sides who have no idea what the entire fuck to do.

#1 cry

#2 don’t cry

#3 don’t apologize for #1 or #2 (it’s ok to laugh at that even when you’re grieving)

#4 when you ask what you can do, offer a solution!

Grieving people only want that person back so, offer what’s in your wheelhouse. A massage, help with the memorial service, food delivery etc. Keep offering. People who are grieving can’t figure it out. Come cut the grass, clean the gutters, sit with them. It all matters. Be a person who is earnest in their offers.

#5 if you haven’t been through what the person is going through don’t make a comparison. You sound like an asshole. They love you and won’t tell you but I will. Your plant isn’t equivalent to my Mom so, stop it.

#6 it comes in waves.

Today is Mother’s Day and I woke up feeling “ok”. I thought I was nailing it, finally. Then, just before I left my house I suddenly felt like I was going to sob all over the place. That’s a thing. You, as a griever, need to know it’s ok.

You as a loved one of a griever needs to understand that it comes in waves.

#7 Everyone grieves differently.

Some may be super active and need to take care of everything.

What I’ve been experiencing is a lack of motivation and it sucks! I’m a super self motivated person but sometimes all I can do is shower and maybe interact with some people some times and that my friends is a super winning day. I’m doing my best and it’s fucking hard to even do those things.

Ok, there’s more later....

How to help the grieving pt 2

8. No one knows what to say

Alternatively entitled: don’t take it personally

This is another hard part. Sometimes it feels disheartening/frustrating when people don’t reach out.

Here’s the kicker...what does/can anyone say?

Is it safe to speak about your loved one? Are you feeling “fine” today and they don’t want to f it up by bringing it up.

Alternatively, are you wanting someone to just talk about the elephant in the room so you can feel safe?

The truth is no one knows what to do. A very dear friend told me “never apologize for your grief”. It’s so difficult sometimes, but be honest as much as you can with how you’re doing today.

For those who are trying to help, I’ve found it comforting for my loved ones to bring up my mom and their personal or our shared stories. It keeps my mom alive and relieves the pressure of me trying to help them deal with my current situation by “being on”.

Sometimes sadness, anger, acceptance, bargaining or denial are are present or under the surface. You don’t know what you’re going to experience in any given moment and neither do those who are near and dear. Give yourself grace. Express what you can when you can. Love and give gratitude when you are able.

Everyone is doing their level best.

xoxo