Give It All For You, Part 1 (Brian May x Fem!reader)
Word Count: 10.45k
Warnings: Strong language (I’m British, it’s to be expected), slight innuendos???, possible historical inaccuracy, ANGST.
Description: You have loved Brian May since the first time you met him. Trouble is, he’s nearly impossible to tie down, and you’ve become cemented in the role of the best friend.
A/N: Okay so I’ve been working on this little mini-series for months. Literally too long. It’s still not even done, BUT I wanted to get the first part out at leAST. Uni and life have made finding creative inspiration a major struggle as of late. I think there will probably be around 3 parts to this?? I’m not quite sure yet, it could be a couple more if I find the motivation. BUT ANYWAY I really hope you enjoy it even though it’s angsty and I can’t write ajdgsdbskjbkdhgs.
Spring, 1977
“C’mon,” you slur, your red dress shimmering in the dim lights of the local pub, “dance with me.”
The bass is heavy in your chest and you feel alcohol coursing through your veins, but you’re only intoxicated by the man in front of you. His eyes glimmer like stars, hooded, sizing you up before shaking his head with a laugh.
“You’re drunk.”
“So are you.” you push yourself further into him in an attempt to push him onto the dancefloor, but more of a reason for you to get closer to him, to feel him.
“But you’re plastered.”
You roll your eyes, “Isn’t that the whole point?”
He rolls his eyes right back, wrapping his arm around your waist to steady you, “Fine, one dance.”
His hazel eyes are hooded, focussed solely on you, and you bask in his gaze. His hands on your body send electric shocks over your skin, and you tell yourself over and over that he doesn’t feel the same; he is only your good friend. That’s all you will ever be to him.
“Is that how you ask a lady to dance?” you tease, cocking a brow.
“You asked me!” Brian laughs, amused, “Alright, m’lady, may I have this dance?”
He holds his hand out to you, dipping his head like a gentleman, and you take a moment to take a mental snapshot before accepting his hand, tugging him into the centre of the pub to dance.
So you both danced, and for that night, just for that night with his hands on your hips, you could almost pretend that he was yours. And as he stared into your eyes, you let yourself fall into that false sense of security of imagined love.
But let’s start from the beginning, from the moment you met on a cold winter’s night in 1972...
“Christ, it’s cold as a witch’s tit in here,”
Your best friend, Freddie, shivers as he hops up and down to warm himself up, scarf wrapped tightly around his neck and jaw,
“Why did you want to open up the stall today, of all days? Even that old git Brutus has closed up shop.”
You roll your eyes at his dramatics, shuffling the secondhand clothes on their hangers, “I need the money, that’s why. I’m about to be homeless if I can’t pay my rent.”
Freddie hums, kicking a stray pebble on the floor, “You know, my friend has a spare room in his flat he’s trying to fill. He needs some extra money too. I’m sure he’d offer you the room for cheap.”
“Which friend?”
“His name is Brian, Brian May.”
“Ah,” you wave your hand in recognition, remembering his name being brought up a few times, “the guitarist one, yeah?”
“That’d be the one! I think you’d like him, actually-”
“Like who?” your other friend and coworker, this one much more blonde, chimes in as he strides into the small stall, very much late. Roger.
“Brian.” Freddie answers.
“Oh yeah, she’d definitely like him.”
You shoot them both a look, “And what makes you say that?”
Roger holds up a fringed kimono up to himself in the mirror, “He’s quiet, reads a lot, likes the stars; basically a total nerd. You’d love him.”
“And he always wears matching socks. It’s bizarre, he literally has a thing about matching socks.” Freddie adds.
You chuckle, “And when will I get to meet this nerd?”
“Well, tonight. We have a gig.”
“Hm,” you pretend to think, “I’ll have to clear a few things from my schedule…”
Roger nudges you with his shoulder, knocking you slightly off balance,
“Alright, alright! I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
Later that evening you meet your friends at the pub where they're playing for the night. It’s a dingy dive that you never would usually go, but you’d do anything to support your friends on their journey to success.
You’re dressed up all pretty in your flares and platforms, leaning up against the bar as you wait for Queen’s set to begin. Though the weather outside is freezing, the inside of a pub is always hot, air thick with the scent of ale and sweat, but the moment Queen steps on stage, it’s easy to forget your surroundings. You’d heard Freddie sing, and you’d certainly heard Roger crash about on his drums, but you’d never seen them like this.
They were magnetic. You were all absorbed. Freddie’s outfit caught the light each time he flounced across the stage, but his voice was what captured everyones attention. He was full of passion and power; he owned the audience, he could control everyone with one simple snap of his fingers.
Roger was his usual self, exuding sex-appeal and confidence. Girls fawned over his long blonde locks and plushy lips. The thing about Roger was that he was the total package of beauty and intelligence, that is if you could tie him down.
You’d never met the bassist, John, you think his name was, but he managed to capture your attention in the most unsuspecting way. He was all shyness and modesty, but not radiating an ounce of hesitancy. You can tell, even at first glance, that he would be the perfect fit for Queen. He would bring balance.
That leaves one final member, the oh-so nerdy space loving boy who Freddie and Roger believe you would adore. But he doesn’t look so nerdy when you see him. He’s pure mystery, almost as though he’s surrounded by a navy blue mist, an aura- or something ethereal. He’s breathtaking, is all you can think. Long legs adorned in velvet, dark curls fall in front of his eyes as he looks down at his guitar. He’s focussed, bottom lip jutting out in concentration, but he takes a moment to glance up. That’s when you know you’re done for. He scans the pub, small enough to make out everyone’s face, and his eyes land on yours. It’s fleeting, but you can swear they linger. Maybe that’s just what you want to tell yourself. Suddenly you want to feel his eyes on you all the time. You want to be in his daydreams, in his thoughts, you want to be his muse.
You float through the rest of their set, eyes glued to Brian as he plays expertly. You sway to each song, ignoring your surroundings and focussing solely on the music, and when it’s over, you cheer as loudly as you can.
“I want to have your children, Roger!” you scream, bursting into a fit of giggles as the blonde scans over the room to see the source of the scream, and upon seeing you, chucks up his middle finger with a laugh.
You make your way to the small stage, well, it’s more of a two feet high platform, and open your arms up widely to Freddie.
“You,” you tackle him into a hug, “were fucking incredible! You’ve been hiding this side of yourself from me for how long?”
He blushes, returning to the Freddie you know, “You must have brought it out of me, love,” he turns to the rest of the band, “Y/N, this is John Deacon, isn’t he lovely?”
Freddie gestures to the bassist as he smiles shyly, offering you a wave and a small, “Hello.”
“You were amazing out there, seriously!” you compliment him, and he blushes, though his smile widens.
“Now, darling, this is Brian May!”
Upon hearing his name, Brian looks up from where he is putting away his guitar, standing up straight and brushing his hands off against his trousers.
“Brian, this is Y/N, she hangs around Roger and I sometimes.” Freddie shoots you a playful wink as you roll your eyes.
“Hi, it’s so nice to finally meet you.” you reach a hand out to shake, which you so usually wouldn’t do, and it sends embarrassment right through you. But to your luck, he takes his hand in yours with no hesitation.
“Likewise,” he smiles, still shaking your hand, “I’ve heard so much about you.”
Oh God.
“All good things I hope?” you realise you’re still holding his hand and let go, letting your hand sit awkwardly at your side.
Jesus, you’re so nervous.
“Mostly.” He winks, and it sends you reeling. His eyes are dangerous, and they travel up and down your figure in a way that sets you alight.
It goes quiet as you stare at each other, Freddie glancing between you two with his eyebrows raised. Though he says nothing about it. Instead, he claps his hands,
“I don’t know about anyone else, but I need a drink!”
1977
The next morning, you suffer through your pounding headache, wanting to just wallow in your loneliness.
Of course, Brian went home with someone else last night, sneaking away through the back door to avoid flashing cameras and prying eyes, leaving you to call yourself a taxi back home, where you cried for an hour before passing out.
It’s not the first time he’s done this, but it still makes you feel pathetic every time.
There’s a knock on your door, and you heave yourself out of bed despite the spinning in your head and the nausea churning in your stomach. Whoever is at the door will just have to deal with your dishevelled appearance.
“Y/N? Jesus, you look like hell.”
Alas, the infamous Roger Taylor stands on your doorstep, mouth agape at your messy hair and leftover smudged makeup.
“I’ll slam this fucking door in your face, Taylor.”
“Hostile,” he laughs, hands up in mock surrender, “I’ve just come to pick you up for lunch, or have you forgotten?”
Feeling like a total ass, you smack your hand to your forehead, “Shit, Rog, I’m so sorry. Come in.”
He follows you into your flat, eyes scanning over the slight mess. He turns to you, concerned; you’re not usually one to let your flat get so messy.
“We don’t have to go, Y/N, we can reschedule, it’s not a problem.”
You scrunch up your face, searching the kitchen for a glass of water and ibuprofen,
“No, no, I want to go, you’ll just have to bear with me.”
“Long night?” He teases, leaning his elbows on the kitchen counter to stare at you.
Shooting him a glare, you slide passed him and into your bathroom to wash your face and brush your teeth. Roger follows you, leaning against the doorframe.
“You know, I think you owe me an explanation as to why you forgot about our lunch date, and threatened me.”
Clicking your tongue, you turn to him, “I went to a pub with Brian last night, got plastered, now I’m hungover. Simple as that.”
He raises his eyebrows, almost knowingly, but doesn’t say anything.
“No need to be so sassy with me, I'm only asking.”
You sigh, “I know, I’m sorry,” he smiles, “now get out, I have to piss.”
You slam the door and hear him laugh from the other side, “What a lady!”
“Bugger off!”
Finally feeling human again after cleaning up and getting dressed, you slide a massive pair of dark sunglasses on the bridge of your nose and head out to where Roger parked his car.
“Ready, princess?”
You shoot him a sickly sweet smile, “You act as if being called princess bothers me.”
Roger laughs, starting the engine and getting into gear, “You got me there.”
The drive to your local favourite cafe is short, a totally walkable distance if you didn’t feel like death warmed up. The two of you sit in a comfortable silence until pulling into a parking space, when Roger turns to look at you once again. Your head is pressed against the window, eyes closed beneath your sunglasses, lips slightly parted as you take careful breaths to avoid nausea.
“Christ, love, you really do look like shit,” he chuckles softly, a hint of concern laced in his insult, “Are you sure you’re alright?”
With one look at him, tears well up in your eyes against your will, threatening to spill over onto your cheeks. Roger’s eyes widen, and in an instant, you’re pulled into his arms over the console as you begin to cry. He shushes you softly, one hand running up and down your back,
“Shh, it’s alright. It’s going to be alright,” you’re thankful for having such a good friend like Roger, especially when he puts up with your hungover mood swings. However, you must look like an absolute trainwreck with your puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks, “Let’s go inside and get some food and a cup of tea down you, yeah? Then if you like, you can tell me what’s troubling you.”
You nod, sniffling and wiping away your tears on the back of your hand. Roger jumps out of the car and rushes to the passenger side, where like an angel, he walks you into the cafe with a hand on your back.
You attract a few disparaging stares when you both sit down at a table, a small chuckle slipping past your lips. Roger, now across from you, looks puzzled, “What’re you laughing about, hey?”
“Everyone’s staring.”
He scans the room indiscreetly, a smile taking over his features, “God, they are, aren’t they? Haven’t they ever seen a hungover girl crying before?”
You scoff, “Bugger off, they’re obviously staring at your trainers.”
He gasps, looking underneath the table to examine his sparkly pink converse, “What have you got against my trainers?”
“Me? Nothing. But a bunch of elederly ladies out for lunch might. I’m sure they think your hair is a disgrace too. You should cut your hair like McCartney had it at the start of The Beatles.”
Roger scoffs, pulling out a cigarette, “Yeah right. Been there, done that.”
As Roger lights up a smoke, you look at the menu set out in front of you, deciding on something that won’t aggravate your fragile stomach. Then you proceed to give Roger puppy dog eyes until you persuade him to be the one to go up and order it.
When he’s gone, you take a moment to think over what you and Roger must really look like to some people. Roger, all bleach blonde hair, brightly coloured clothing and a smirk that could make even a nun go mad. And you, puffy eyed, sunglasses indoors, in an oversized button-up shirt that you’d definitely stolen from one of the boys at some point. You both probably were the most exciting things that some of these people had seen in awhile. Something new to gossip about.
A glass of water is set in front of you by the one and only roger, while he sips tenderly at a cup of sweet coffee, “Drink.” he commands.
“But I ordered coffee,” you pout like a child, “You’re kicking me when I’m down here, Rog.”
He rolls his eyes, “Coffee doesn’t help hangovers, love. Drink up.”
You frown but nonetheless begin sipping in silence, tapping your nails against the table as Roger stares at you, “What?”
“Just wondering if you’re going to tell me what got you so upset earlier?”
You let out a sigh, long and weary, fiddling with an opened sugar packet, “Would you believe me if I said that it was just hormones?”
“Not in the slightest.”
You let out a short laugh through your nose, “I just let myself get heartbroken again, that’s all.”
Roger pretends to choke on his coffee, spluttering dramatically and ignoring all the stares that he attracted, “Someone managed to break Y/N’s cold, dead, heart?”
“If you were quiet for a moment you’d notice I’m not laughing.” You roll your eyes at him.
Noticing your demeanour, he quiets down and leans in close to you, “I’m sorry, it’s just that you never let yourself get to the point of being able to be heartbroken,” he puts out his cigarette in the ashtray, “you know, you told me about a year ago that love doesn’t exist, and dating is just a trial period until you decide that maybe you can put up with that person for the rest of your life.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You did, word for word.”
You stay silent, but your top lip twitches into a smile- it does sound like something you’d say.
“Anyway,” Roger continues, “who broke your heart? I’ll rough 'em up a bit.”
“Surely you couldn’t rough up a member of your own band.” You speak under your breath, arms crossed, but Roger hears you.
“I knew it!” He shouts, and you kick him underneath the table, “sorry,” he blushes, “I just knew it. I had a feeling you were in love with Brian.”
Your eyes widen, “I’m not in love with him!”
Roger smirks, “So it is Brian, then?”
Your jaw drops at his trick, “You bloody asshole.”
He sits back in his chair with a smug grin on his face, coffee cup in hand, “So, tell me about it.”
You scoff, “You’re such a dick sometimes, you know that?”
“You love me all the same.”
You roll your eyes for the thousandth time, as you always seem to do around Roger. You stare at him, arms crossed in silent defiance and attempt to communicate with your eyes ‘I’m not going to tell you because you were a dick.’
He sighs, uncrossing his arms to place his elbows on the table, “Come on, I’m sorry! Please tell me what happened?”
A server comes over with your breakfast, allowing you to torture Roger for a few moments more as you chew a bite slowly. After you swallow, you finally sigh, “Fine. Ask me what you want to know.”
Roger’s eyes light up, “How long have you loved-” he stops when you gives him the eye, “liked, him?”
“Almost five years.”
“Bloody hell, Y/N.”
“I know! I know. It’s not good. Trust me I’ve tried to get over it.”
“And you’ve never told him how you feel?”
You scoff, “Of course not, that’s suicide.”
“Why?”
You put down your fork, finishing your mouthful of food, “You act like you haven’t seen the way Brian is,”
Roger stays silent, waiting for you to continue, “He’s so…elusive. His shyness and sensitivity make him a real fucking magnet if you haven’t noticed. And he has this thing where he needs to constantly be pining after someone, and it’s just never been me.”
You take a deep breath as your eyes focus on the rim of your glass, “He’s just not interested in me as more than his best friend, and I think that’s okay.”
“Why do you think that’s okay?” Roger asks softly.
“Because if I don’t accept that, then I won’t have Brian in my life at all. And that’s worse than the heartache.”
Roger is silent, looking at you with sad eyes, but they don’t hold an ounce of pity. That’s something you love about him, he never pities you for feeling any sort of way, he’s just there to listen.
“Well fuck, I can see why you got plastered last night.”
You laugh, thankful for him shifting the mood to something more lighthearted.
After lunch, Roger drops you off back at your flat, but not without a comforting pat on the top of your head and a promise to go for a drink soon.
You smile to yourself as you fish your key out from your bag, twisting the lock and stepping inside.
“Y/N.”
You squeal, whipping around to see a lean figure standing up from your sofa, “Bloody fuck- Brian, what are you doing here?”
Your heart beats rapidly in your chest, partly from being scared half to death, partly because Brian looks so good in a hoodie. He doesn’t often wear cosy clothes anymore since Queen gained more fame. Seeing him looking all soft in a navy blue hoodie makes your heart flutter. It reminds you of the times when you had first met. The both of you snuggled up underneath layers of blankets in his dingy flat when the heating broke (which was often), drinking copious amounts of tea and emptying his kitchen of all his food.
“You gave me a key.” He scratches the back of his neck. Yeah, he knows he’s guilty.
“I would have appreciated it if you’d rung me first.”
Annoyance settles in as you remember last night, when he ditched you at the pub and left you to get a taxi home. If anything, he owes you the fare.
“I did, you didn’t pick up and I got worried.”
“I was out.”
“I can see that now.”
The room falls silent, Brian rocking back and forth on his heels. You cross your arms, waiting for him to speak. To explain himself.
“Listen, I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have left you like that last night. I was drunk-”
“So was I.”
“I’m-” he stops, sighing, “I’m really, really sorry. I’m a total prick…” he fades off as if he’s lost in thought, bottom lip pulled between his teeth and eyes worried. He looks genuinely troubled, as if he is really upset that he ended up ditching you.
Against your better judgment, you sigh and uncross your arms, voice softening up, “Look, just don’t do it again, okay? It puts me in a really bad spot.”
His eyes brighten at your acceptance, rushing over to give you a hug. You stand stiff as a board when his arms wrap around you, head nestled against your neck. Your pulse races, but you know better than to view this in any other way than just a friendly hug. You wrap your arms around him anyway, closing your eyes and just for a moment, pretending it is otherwise.
“I want to make it up to you,” his voice is muffled against your shoulder, but he doesn’t dare let go, “I packed us a picnic, let’s go to the park. You can feed the ducks.”
You pause, eyes opening and closing as you take breaths. You battle against yourself. Could you manage doing such an activity with Brian? One that feels like a date? Of course you can. Don’t be silly. He’s your best friend, how could you be casting his feelings to the side because of your own?
“Can I feed the pigeons too?”
He laughs, gripping your frame tighter, “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Then you’re back in his car, a newer one, different from the cheap beat up one he had when you had first met. But still, it’s familiar, the scent of him mixed with leather. A basket and a blanket sits in his backseat, bringing a small smile to your face. This is the side of Brian you cherish the most. The side of him that cares so deeply for his friends. You’re not even sure if you could call it a ‘side’ of him. It’s just the way he is. He doesn’t ever intend to hurt or upset you. Suddenly, you feel guilty for being upset with him. He doesn’t owe you anything, he has every right to go home with other women.
“So, where did you go earlier?” Brian asks, one hand on the wheel as he glances over at you and then back at the road.
“I went out for lunch with Roger,” you smile at his side profile, the way his hair moves against the breeze through his open window, the way his nose hooks ever so slightly, “he nursed my hangover.”
Brian’s lips seem to flick into a frown, but shift back into a smile before you could really register it, “Seems as though I’ve been replaced.”
You roll your eyes, “No one nurses my hangovers as well as you do, Bri, don’t worry.”
You giggle fondly at the memories of the both of you nursing each other through your hangovers, Brian always better at dealing with them than you were. He’d be up bright and early, pop two ibuprofen, down a cup of coffee and be well on his way to recovery. Whereas you’d sleep until noon and be unbelievably moody until eventually someone forced you to do something with your day.
Brain somehow always knew how to pull you out of those moods, though, whether it be bringing you a plate of pancakes and cracking stupid jokes until eventually you had no choice but to laugh, or by sitting with you in silence and pushing a glass of water and painkillers in your direction. He just always seemed to know exactly what you needed in the moment.
“I’d hope not,” he tuts, “otherwise I’d have to find another hobby, and I quite like taking care of you.”
Your breath catches, skin burning, but you play it off with a scoff, “You make me sound like a child.”
He laughs, a bellowing laugh that you always love to hear, “A child? Certainly not. Children swear a hell of a lot less.”
“Fuck off!” you swat his shoulder lightly but can’t help your grin. It feels good to fall back into the rhythm of normalcy with Brian.
The sun is high when you reach the park, the sky a bright blue except for a few sparse clouds. The two of you walk silently to the pond, laying out the blanket on a soft patch of grass.
“I know you already ate,” Brian says as he sits down on the blanket, “but I bought a packet of custard creams because I know you like them.”
The small gesture makes you embarrassingly happy, grinning at him as he passes you the packet, “You can never be too full for biscuits, you know that.”
“Very true,” he smiles at you almost in adoration, you think, “I also got a bag of bird seed because people still feed the ducks bloody bread.”
You hum as you bite into a custard cream, staring into space as you get lost in thought. Spring weather in London is one of your favourites, when the sun shines just enough to warm your skin, but you still have to cosy up a bit. And today, it’s the perfect temperature for a picnic.
“Hey, so I was thinking,” Brian begins, opening up a sandwich for himself and taking a bite, “Since the band doesn’t have to start recording again for a bit, we should all go on a road trip somewhere.”
You look over at him, eyebrows raised, “Where were you thinking?”
“I don’t know,” he shrugs, “Wales maybe? I just thought a change of scenery might help us all write new songs.”
Nodding your head slowly, your lips twitch up into a smile, “I’d love that. Have you mentioned it to the boys yet?”
“Briefly, and they seemed to like the idea, but no plans have been made.”
You hum, “Well, let’s set the date and they’ll just have to clear their schedules.”
Brian laughs, “Alright, next thursday. We can stay until Monday.”
“Perfect.”
The two of you chat for a while longer, before packing up the basket and walking alongside the pond, throwing bird seed for the ducks and laughing as they all fight for the same pieces.
It feels so idyllic, walking through the park with Brian. It seems to be all couples here today, holding hands or staring at each other with looks of adoration on their faces. It almost makes you feel queasy. Perhaps it’s just eating those custard creams right after eating lunch with Roger. Either way, your stomach twists and leaps with too many indescribable feelings. You wish it would stop.
Brian tips the last bits of bird food out of it’s bag, before scrunching it up and putting it in his pocket. You both watch as the birds eat the remaining seed, before looking up at you for more. Once they realise there’s nothing else for them, they drift gracefully away, to the opposite side of the pond where someone else may feed them some more.
Then you continue your stroll, enjoying the feeling of the sun on your faces and the crisp air in your lungs.
But then Brian looks down at his watch, swearing underneath his breath and turning to face you, “Y/N, I’m so sorry but I’m going to have to cut this short.”
Your eyebrows furrow into a frown, “Is everything alright?”
You both begin to walk in the direction of his car, “Everything’s fine, I just forgot I have to meet someone in an hour.”
Your stomach drops. Brian never usually says ‘someone’. His friends are your friends and you’d always refer to them by name. ‘Someone’ means someone you’ve never met, and almost always it means a girl.
“Oh, okay,” you try to hide the disappointment in your voice, “that’s totally fine!” you force a wide smile.
He grins back at you as you both get into his car, “I’ll make it up to you, love.”
You return his smile, but deep down you know. He said that earlier, too.
Soon you’re back at your flat, waving goodbye to Brian from your doorstep and letting your smile drop into a frown as he drives away.
The clock reads 4 o’clock when you reach your bedroom, sighing deeply as you get changed into comfier clothes and slump down on your sofa with a cup of tea.
God, it’s so tiring.
The sun is still high outside, your favourite aspect of spring and summertime, the longer days, but tonight you almost wish it was late so that you could fall asleep and not have to think about Brian.
But alas, he swirls around your brain as you stir your tea, looking down into the cup as it whirlpools. You wonder if Brian could be seeing the girl he went home with last night, or someone else. You don’t want to wonder, you’re not even sure if you actually want to know who it is. It would push you into the deep darkness of insecurity, and you’d compare every aspect of yourself to whomever it is.
So instead, you flick the telly on and melt mindlessly into the arms of whatever is on, not even really focussing on it.
Monday morning, you’re at work again, typing up documents all day as you’d usually be doing. The monotony could kill you, and your fingers hurt from the stiff keys of the typewriter. It’s times like these where you feel envious of your best friends’ profession- for the boys of Queen, monotony is never an issue. They can complain about recording studios all they want, but they would never dare to wish for your job, and they know that.
You asked your boss early if you could get Thursday to Monday off, and by some sheer miracle he had agreed, but not without massaging your shoulders in a way that made your skin crawl. It was one of the biggest downsides about working in an office amongst mostly men. While they spent their days barely working, and instead drinking the day away together while playing mini golf in their offices, you worked until your fingers went numb and the back of your neck felt like it was being jabbed with fifty needles. Yet they still believed they were entitled to touching you whenever they liked.
Either way, you had managed to get a few days off to go on a road trip with all of your best friends, and that’s what keeps you going throughout the week. You daydream about exploring castle ruins and walking along the beach with Brian, allowing yourself to dip your toes into the idea of a relationship. While you were confined within four blank office walls, the thought of Brian kept you sane.
He phoned you two days after your picnic, confirming that the boys had all agreed to a road trip and booked a hotel for Thursday afternoon. Things were all going smoothly, even as you packed your bag on Wednesday evening in preparation to set off early the next morning. You float happily around your flat, humming along to your records and planning out outfits for the trip. When you fall into bed that night, you can barely wait for dawn to break.
But as they always say, be careful what you wish for. Because when you step out onto your front steps on Thursday morning, bags in hand and a grin like the sun, you notice not one, but two cars. Brian’s and John’s. Your smile falters, you thought you were all squeezing into Brian’s car?
“Y/N!” Freddie exclaims when he sees you, rushing to help with your bags and put them in the boot of Brian’s car, “God, I’ve missed you, darling!”
You pull him into a tight embrace, “I’ve missed you too. You don’t have time for me anymore with all your wild parties.”
He scoffs, “If only you’d attend them, lovie, then we’d see each other more!”
You roll your eyes playfully and look around at the two cars. The driver’s seat of Brian’s car opens, a small but almost seemingly nervous smile on his face.
“Hey, Y/N,” he scratches the back of his neck, “how are you?”
You narrow your eyes, and you feel Freddie’s body language stiffen beside you as if he knows something you don’t.
“I’m alright?” You reply as a question, curious to why everyone seems so nervous.
“Good, good,” he nods, inhaling before saying, “You wouldn’t mind sitting in the back seat, would you? Natasha already took the passenger side.”
Your lips part slightly, realisation setting in. He brought a girl.
You turn to Freddie in silent shock, asking with your eyes what the hell is happening? He leans over to whisper quietly, “I offered to take your place and you sit with Rog and John, but Brian was adamant.”
You gulp, turning back to where Brian stands, “Sure, that’s fine.”
He grins, sitting back in the driver’s seat. You turn to Freddie, eyes like a deer in headlights. A five hour drive. With Brian and his possibly girlfriend. He pats your shoulder, giving you another hug before getting into John’s car.
You have no choice but to slip into the backseat, sighing into the leather. The radio is already on, all the windows down to let in the cool early morning air. You glance to the front of the car where a woman sits in the passenger side. You can see her face in the wing mirror, insecurity eating away at you already as you examine her. She’s gorgeous, with thick auburn curls that frame a sharply defined face. You can even see that her eyes are a taunting shade of emerald green.
Clearing your throat. You lean forward and hold your hand out, forcing a smile on your face, “Hi, I’m Y/N.”
She turns to glance at you, but not before giving you a once over, sharp lips not so much as twitching into a smile. She takes your hand into a weak handshake, shaking once before letting go and letting her hand rest back into her lap.
“Natasha.” She says bluntly. You glance over to Brian as he drives, waiting for him to react in some sort of way at the way you’ve been greeted, but instead you’re met with his usual kind smile and eyes that gleam with blissful ignorance.
You sniff awkwardly, leaning back into your seat and getting comfortable against the window. You can see Natasha staring at you in the wing mirror, but you try your best to ignore it. It practically sears your skin, making you squirm in your seat. You hated feeling intimidated by people, absolutely despised it, but Natasha was everything you weren’t. She had Brian. And the passenger seat.
The radio fades into one of your favourite songs, one of Brian’s too, The Air That I Breathe by The Hollies. You’d often drive with the windows down, belting out the lyrics and laughing at who could sing the loudest. The memory brings a smile to your face.
“I love this song, can you turn it up-”
“God, I hate this song,” Natasha interrupts, “I didn’t even like it when it came out three years ago.”
Brian looks torn, eyes flickering to you in the rearview mirror. You challenge his gaze, narrowing your eyes ever so slightly to gauge his next move. Your stomach sinks as he drops your gaze in guilt, flicking to the next station.
The smug look on Natasha’s face just adds salt to your wound, her eyes like a snake’s, sly and dangerous. In that moment you decide that your best friend must be an absolute idiot. You also decide that you really, really don’t like Natasha.
Five hours does not go by in a flash, much to your dismay, and you’ve had to listen to Brian gush over Natasha for the majority of the ride. Even when you all stopped halfway to get snacks, Brian came to your side when Natasha went to the bathroom, nudging your shoulder with a dopey smile on his face.
“Isn’t she something?” He asks as you pull a few bags of crisps off of a shelf. You try your best to bite your tongue. After all, as long as Brian is happy, you’re happy.
“She’s definitely something.” You reciprocate his smile, albeit forced.
“I think you and her will be great friends.”
You refrain from rolling your eyes. Even if you wanted that, Natasha made it very clear that she did not want anything of the sort. How could Brian be so unaware of the dynamic that took place between you and her? Are men really that thick? You can barely believe it. For someone as intelligent as Brian, he’s being incredibly dense.
But regardless, you nod, “Totally.”
Natasha steps out of the bathroom and makes her way over to where the two of you stand, completely ignoring your presence, “Let’s go to the car.”
She grabs Brian’s arm, and before you can so much as complain, the food Brian had grabbed is dropped in your arms, leaving you alone to pay. Your eyes follow them as they leave, hand in hand as they laugh. They look good together, you can admit that. Two perfect people.
You sigh, turning to glance around the small petrol station shop, shaking your head to yourself and going to pay for yours and Brian’s snacks.
And then the remaining two hours or so blur by as you lean yourself against the window, blocking out the sound of Brian and Natasha’s conversations and simply watching the world pass you by. You try to think of the green grass, the blue morning sky, the yellow sunflower fields that you pass.
Brian’s hand rests on her thigh and he looks at her with something like a sparkle in his eyes. Suddenly you wish you stayed home. Maybe if you’d caught a cold or your boss didn’t give you time off this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe then you wouldn’t feel like your heart is being torn out of your chest. Maybe then you could have ignored the fact that Brian has got a new woman in his life.
Once you pull into the hotel car park behind the rest of Queen, you nearly jump out of the car, immediately taking your bags out of Brian’s car, “What’s the room situation?” you ask Roger when he steps out of John’s car.
“Don’t get too excited,” Roger winks playfully, “Nah, we have our own rooms, apart from them.” he nods towards Brian.
You lean in to give him a pathetic hug, leaning heavily on his shoulder as you quietly groan, “I don’t even have the energy to tell you to fuck off right now.”
He laughs, gripping your shoulders tightly, “You look like you need a drink. Or a nap.”
“Or both.” you retort.
Brian and Natasha walk up to where you stand, Natasha plastering a fake smile on her face as she greets Roger, “Roger, I didn’t realise that Y/N was your latest fling, how sweet.”
Roger tenses, as do you. Now she’s insulted both of you in one. But just as you’re about to speak your mind, Roger tightly wraps his arms around your shoulder, “Actually, Y/N’s my girl.”
You glance up at him in shock, lips parted and eyes wide. You turn back to Natasha, noticing that Brian is staring at you with a look of shock on his face, maybe betrayal? You’re not sure, but he looks angry. His fist clenches at his side absentmindedly.
And that makes you angry. Even if you were actually dating Roger, what does that have to do with him? So you decide to put a wide smile on your face, lifting your arms to hold Roger’s around your shoulders. You don’t speak, but your actions say it all. You giggle, melting into his embrace. It feels strange, but Roger and you are close enough to know that this is fine.
Freddie and John walk over, looks of confusion on their faces, but decide to stay out of it when they see the looks on Natasha and Brian’s faces.
“You’re seeing each other?” Brian asks incredulously, ignoring Natasha’s presence beside him.
“That’s right,” Roger replies before you can, “Is that so hard to believe?”
“Yes,” Natasha laughs, “It is.”
Roger’s grip tightens around you. You recognise this side of him, the fierce protectiveness he feels over his friends. Roger has been known to get into fights if someone speaks badly about his friends. He simply won’t tolerate it.
His actions are strictly platonic, but he’s not going to let someone speak badly of you. Especially not Natasha, now that he knows about the way you feel about Brian.
“And why is that?” He grits his teeth, and you squeeze his arm gently to communicate that it’s okay. You don’t need his protection, you can manage.
“Well,” Natasha begins, and you glance at Brian’s expression. He stares directly at you, gaze unfaltering. He isn’t even hearing what is being said, “You usually tend to go for much more...visually appealing women.”
Ouch.
You’re not gonna lie, that hit you right in the ego. It’s not as if you had much confidence before anyway.
That’s when Brian breaks his stare to look at Natasha, a dumbfounded look on his face, “What-”
But Roger interrupts, anger prevalent in his tone, “I don’t think you’re one to gauge who’s visually appealing and who isn’t, Natalie.”
You hold back a giggle, albeit a hurt one, trying to hide your pain behind an unbothered smile. But you fear that your body betrays you as you tilt your head down, hands dropping from Roger’s arm to cross over your stomach.
Natasha opens her mouth to speak, but Freddie intercepts, “Alright! Okay, we should go find what rooms we are in and freshen up. I need a beauty nap.”
You’re thankful for Fred, giving him a discreet nod to which he responds with a wink. You take one last look at your supposed best friend, Brian, not a trace of sympathy for him on your face. How could he not defend his best friend of years from his girlfriend he’s probably only known for a couple weeks at most?
Baffled and dejected, your feet move mindlessly along with Roger as he steers the both of you into the hotel, muttering underneath his breath, “Dick.”
“Who?” you whisper.
“Brian.”
You say nothing. You know it’s true, but it hurts a hell of a lot when your own best friend doesn’t stick up for you.
Roger follows you into your hotel room when you reach it, watching as you flop into the soft white sheets with a long, weary sigh.
Roger sits at the end of your bed, “Natasha’s a right pain in the arse.”
You sit up, hair mussed and eyes tired, “I meant to ask, have you met her before?”
He nods with a wince, “Unfortunately. She’s like that all the time. It’s baffling that Brian hasn’t noticed it yet. The lad’s usually quite level-headed.”
You nod with a hum, staring out of the window behind him. You get most in thought momentarily, thinking about the way Brian was so truly oblivious to the way Natasha acted. He’s almost gotten into bust ups with men at bars who have disrespected you, but it seems to be okay when Natasha does it. Maybe love really is blind. The idea of them in love makes your guts churn.
“Anyway,” Roger starts, standing up, “You should take a nap. I’ll come to wake you up in a couple hours for dinner, alright?”
You smile, “Thanks, Rog. For everything.”
He shoots you a cheeky wink, “Anytime, love.”
So you gladly lay down in the cool white sheets once Roger is out the door, staring up at the ceiling until eventually you let your eyelids flutter closed.
Two hours later, you’re up, bathed, and dressed, fiddling with the hem of your midnight blue dress in the mirror.
Insecurity eats away at you each time your eyes scrutinise yet another perceived flaw. As much as you hate to admit it, Natasha’s words echo around in your mind. She’s right, you're not visually appealing. How could you be, when Brian won’t even look twice at you as more than a friend.
A knock sounds at your door, Roger’s voice coming soon after, “Are you ready, love?”
You snap out of your trance, pushing all the self-hatred aside to open the door. Plastering a wide smile on your face, you take his arm in yours.
He raises a brow.
“I’m not the one who told everyone we were dating,” you lightly pat his arm, “so hold tight, loverboy.”
You meet the group outside by the cars once again, John leaning up against the side of his car and Freddie perched gracefully on the bonnet. Brian and Natasha however, are nowhere to be seen. You frown and ask Freddie where they are.
“Not a clue, my dear. If they aren’t down in five minutes I’m leaving without them.”
As if on queue, the couple in question walk out of the revolving doors. Brian’s face is flushed, Natasha’s smug. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why they’re late.
You catch eyes with Brian and watch, hurt, as he looks away bashfully. Your chest pangs, just a bit, as you glance down at your dress for distraction.
Roger squeezes your arm comfortingly, “Do you want to ride with us?”
You shake your head, “Would it be bad if I said I wanted to keep an eye on them?”
He smiles, “Cheeky.”
You force a tight smile.
In all honesty, you aren’t quite sure if you’ll be fine, but when you take another look at Natasha’s smirk, you let your anger be the driving force that pushes you into the back seat of Brian’s car.
Luckily, they seem to behave themselves while you’re in the car. Well, Brian does. Natasha often tries to place her hand on his thigh, but he always pushes it off. You notice that something has changed since the drive earlier, a shift in Brian’s mood. He’s more bashful than ever, staying practically silent with his cheeks seemingly tinged pink permanently.
Eventually, Natasha gives up with a huff, crossing her arms and looking out the window as the radio hums a tune none of you are paying attention to. Brian is looking straight at the road, and you’re watching him as he clenches and unclenches his jaw. The sun is just beginning to set beside him, silhouetting his face like an eclipse. He’s so beautiful, even when you’re annoyed with him, and even when he looks annoyed himself.
He pulls into the car park, killing the engine and turning around to face you in his seat. You furrow your eyebrows as he stares, “What-”
“Nat, could you give us a minute?”
“But-”
“I’ll meet you in the restaurant.”
She stares at him baffled, looking at you and back to him, before rolling her eyes and getting out of the car. She slams the door and beelines to the entrance, leaving the rest of the boys no choice but to follow her. Roger shoots you a concerned look through the window, to which you return a reassuring smile. It does nothing to reassure yourself, though, as Brian’s fiery gaze is pointed directly at you.
The car remains silent as both of you challenge each other to see who will speak first. You stand your ground and hold his glare, crossing your arms in defiance. He speaks up,
“Why didn’t you tell me that you and Rog were together?”
Your eyebrows shoot up, so that’s what this is about?
“Why do you care?”
He scoffs, turning away from you to look out of the window, “I don’t know, maybe because you’re my best friend and he’s my bandmate?”
“Why does that matter?” You challenge.
He just shakes his head with a spiteful chuckle, dodging the question, “Roger doesn’t date.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“He’s just going to leave you for another woman, or worse, he’ll just do it behind your back.”
“And I suppose you’re any better?”
Your words are harsh, and you regret them the minute they came out. Especially when he turns to look at you with a flash of hurt in his eyes. Brian’s had his own share of infidelity, but he’s always felt guilty over it, as if it haunts him. You suddenly feel sick. He confided in you and you’ve just thrown it back at him.
Without another word, he opens his door and steps out, slamming the door behind him. You watch as his figure retreats into the restaurant, your heart beating rapidly in your chest. Shit.
You take a shaky breath, closing your eyes momentarily. You stand on trembling legs and make your own way into the venue, fingernails digging into your palms.
Everyone is already sitting at the table when you join them, so you take your place in between Roger and John. Both of them look equally concerned, Roger’s eyes flickering to Brian across the table. You dare to glance up to where he’s glaring, fiddling with the tablecloth. His upper lip twitches like it always does when he’s angry, a tick that only you’ve ever noticed about him. His warm hazel eyes seem cold, but you can almost see the flames behind them. He’s pissed. More than pissed.
Roger unwittingly adds fire to the flame when he leans down to whisper in your ear, “Everything alright, love?”
You look at Brian once more, his napkin now clenched in his fist, you turn to Roger to whisper, “I think he’s mad.”
Roger chuckles, “You think? The bloke looks like he wants to castrate me.”
“I think he probably does.” You sigh.
Thankfully, always the life-saver, Freddie begins reenacting a run in he had with a fan in a public toilet the other day, and everyone begins loosening up. Well, except for Brian. He’s pretty much silent throughout dinner. Even when Natasha tries to pat his arm or whisper something in his ear, he keeps the same disgruntled look upon his face. You find yourself becoming angrier with every passing moment.
Who does Brian think he is? How can he let his girlfriend walk all over you, then he insults you, and then he somehow has the right to be angry with you?
It’s bullshit, and you shoot daggers at him over your dessert. You don’t even want it. It’s your favourite and everything.
You turn to John, ever the organised one, “Hey, do you know what we’re doing tomorrow?”
He tilts his chin up and chews on one side of his mouth as he thinks, “I think we planned to visit Conwy Castle.”
You nod, humming, “Cool.”
It’s only the first night, and the trip still has five more days, but you find yourself anxious to return home. Especially in the dim lights of a small Italian restaurant as Brian stares at you with that unforgiving gaze, you wish to be anywhere but.
Brian and Natasha left before everyone else, skipping their coffee and choosing to head back to the hotel. They didn’t so much as question how you’d be getting back. Instead, they left you with the remaining three Queen boys, all of their curious eyes on you.
They want answers, you can see it on their faces. It’s the first moment all of you have had together without Brian and Natasha there and they want to know what the bloody hell is going on.
You shake your head at their silence, taking one final bite of your dessert, “Don’t ask me anything, because I don’t have a fucking clue.”
You huff as you flop back onto the bed. It’s far past sunset, and your hotel room is dim except for the orange glow of the street lights outside your window. Roger, John and Freddie decided to go find some sort of bar to finish the evening, but you asked them to drop you off at the hotel so that you could sleep. Except you couldn’t, your mind wired with so many thoughts of Brian that you couldn’t so much as close your eyes. You decided that staring up at the ceiling wasn’t helping, instead it was making the thoughts worse, so you got out of bed and walked to the balcony and stared out over the sea, letting the cold air of the night nip at your bare skin.
Just as you close your eyes, there’s a knock at the door, echoing through the sound of the waves in the distance. The tiny clock at the side of your bed reads just past midnight as you pad through the dark to get to the door.
You open it a crack, “Who is it?” you ask gently.
“Brian.”
Your pulse jumps slightly as you open the door the rest of the way and take in his appearance. His eyes are tired and sunken, his hair mussed as if he’d been tugging on it. You wonder if it was him who tugged on it, or someone else, but based on the way his head is bowed, you don’t think anything of the sort happened.
“Hi,” you gulp, treading lightly, ashamed of the words you threw at him earlier this evening, yet anger still fizzles within you softly.
“Hi,” he breathes, hand rubbing the back of his neck, “did I wake you?”
“No,” you shake your head, “couldn’t sleep.”
“Neither.”
“Is Natasha awake?”
He pauses, looking at the floor and then back at you, “She’s asleep.”
You nod, quiet after his response. What now?
“Do you...want to come in?”
You step aside after he nods, quietly walking through the doorway and into the dimness of your room, and then out onto the balcony. You follow, mind racing a million miles a minute, watching his back as he leans against the railing.
You join him, staring out at the starry reflection of the moon against the sea, “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
He turns to look at you, though you don’t return his glance. Instead you bask in his gaze upon your face as the wind flutters through your hair and the moon glitters against your skin.
“It is,” he whispers, his own hair rustled by the wind as he continues to stare at you.
Neither of you speak for a while, just watching the water as it shimmers like diamonds, though you’re both aware of the words unsaid and the words that were. But for a few moments the two of you decided to ignore the rift between you, and instead let the soft silver gleam of the moon heal your aching hearts.
But things must not go unsaid for too long or they will fester, and you’re the first to speak, “Why’d you come see me, Bri?”
He sighs, looking down at his hands, “I came to say sorry. I shouldn’t have said that stuff about Rog, he’s a good guy.”
You stare at him for awhile, “He is a good guy,”
Brian’s eyebrows seem to fall, which causes your own to furrow. You continue, “but did you mean what you said?”
He looks into your eyes and you know instantly that he did. The only reason he’s come to apologise is because he upset you.
“I did.”
Though it angers you, you admire his honesty. You can’t be so frank with him, you’d end up spilling your feelings.
“Is it so unbelievable that someone like Roger would like someone like me?”
It feels odd talking about Rog as if he’s actually your boyfriend, but you’re hurt. Natasha’s earlier words cut like a knife, and hearing Brian think the same would cut like no other.
“That’s not what I meant at all. You’re just…” he trails off and looks back at the sea, shaking his head.
“I’m what?”
“You’re...perfect. You’re too good for someone who will hurt you”
The sound of the wind fills your silence, a sense of confusion and joy fluttering in your stomach. You wish you could tell him that you appreciate his concern, but he’s been the one hurting you all this time. However it’s not his fault, and you remain quiet. He called you perfect.
You search his face for any sign of anything, any twitch of his brow that might give anything away, but he’s stoic as always.
“But you can’t be the one to make that decision for me.” you breathe, choosing to ignore what he said. Perhaps you’re scared of him taking it back, or claiming it was nothing. You want to hold onto the very feelings you feel now, after Brian has called you perfect underneath the moonlight.
“I know.” he sighs, looking down at his hands. You’ve always loved his hands, his long slender fingers that are often adorned with a couple silver rings, usually on his pinky finger. You’d often imagined the way they might feel against your bare skin, but each time you dared to delve into that idea, you quickly shut it down.
The fact that you’ve been lying to Brian about Roger makes you feel wretched, eating away at your insides as you chew on your bottom lip. It feels as though you’re seeing a bit more of Brian’s private thoughts, and he’s only shared them with you because he thinks you’re dating Roger.
The confession is right there on the tip of your tongue, a loud exclamation of truth ready to erupt from inside of you, “Brian-”
“-Y/N” he begins at the same time, and immediately all courage is lost. The boiling truth returns to a simmer, and your racing heart begins to still.
You both chuckle, a sense of normalcy returning for the first time tonight as he scratches the back of his neck, “You first.”
Shaking your head, you give him a small smile, “Not important, you go.”
He nods, taking a breath as if to build his courage back up, turning his body to face you entirely. You do the same, concerned at the sudden seriousness that’s returned to his face. You watch in silence as he takes yet another deep breath, the dread inside of you intensifying.
“I…” he begins, and you want to grab him by the shoulder and shake, tell him to spit it out already because you feel nauseated.
“It’s terrible of me to say this, and I know I have no right whatsoever to do so, but...I don’t want you to date Roger.”
You’re taken aback by his blatant request, baffled at why he is so against the idea of you and Roger being together, “Why not?”
He looks just as irritated as you, all civility that you’d built up just moments before knocked down like a house of cards. It’s as if the idea of you not listening to his request infuriates him, and in return that makes you equally angry.
“I told you before.”
“But we agreed that this isn’t your decision.”
At this point, you aren’t sure why you’re continuing to act as if Roger is your boyfriend. Perhaps you’ve let it go too far and to confess now would damage your dignity. Or maybe you want to see how far Brian is willing to go with his request. Surely he won’t force the two of you apart.
“It’s not my decision, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling uncomfortable.”
“Uncomfortable?!” you raise your voice. This conversation is going in the complete wrong direction, but you can’t seem to stop it, or stop yourself. The two of you are both passionate people always speaking for what they believe in, and in this case you are on opposing sides. Like fire and ice, or darkness and light, the two of you battle against each other.
“Yes! Uncomfortable!”
“Go on then, explain to me why it makes you so uncomfortable.”
“He’s my bandmate-”
“And why does that matter?”
“You’ll be a distraction!”
“I’ve known you all for years, and suddenly now that I’m dating one of you, I’m a distraction? Nice, Brian.”
He goes to speak, but you interrupt, “And what about Natasha, huh? Is she not a distraction? Or is it just me then?”
“She doesn’t come to the studio with us like you do.”
“You were the one who told me that you love when I come to the studio.”
He looks flustered, “I do, but-”
“You’re not making any sense,” you say, exasperated, “what is the big deal about me dating Roger?”
He doesn’t answer, instead staring at you with a burning intensity behind his caramel irises. A siren blares in the distance and a cloud sheathes the moon in a grey cast. It’s as if his answer is in his eyes, but you just can’t catch it. You’re both speaking two different languages.
“I should go,” he says finally.
Muddled thoughts race through your head. You want to say so many things but nothing comes out, your mind a jumbled mess of intertwined wires. Goddamnit, Y/N, say something.
He turns to walk through the hotel room, and you have no choice but to watch his back as he retreats. But then he stops in his tracks, turning to look at you once more. He has hurt written across his face, you can see it even in the darkness.
“Where is Roger, by the way?”
He tilts his head to the side, challenging you to answer him. You stare in silence, no answer on your tongue.
He nods, his own point proven to himself as he goes to turn back around, “Goodnight, Y/N.”
