#bretnycbound

"This... feels different."

For the last 4 weeks these 3 otherwise simple words have preoccupied my mind in an eerily sobering fashion. See, for the last 4 and a half weeks I've been train hopping across the country to pursue my career aspirations in New York (or Chicago, but that's another story).  

Saying farewell to my life in the northwest wasn't - for lack of a better word - difficult. For a whole slew of reasons, it was actually quite easy at first. There was some recoil and it was a little offset. A few days passed before I felt the full gravitas of my inevitable departure. It was a split screen moment that went like this:

My dad came home from dropping me and my 3 bags of belongings off at the train station, sat down next to my mom, and said, "This... feels different. This is not like him leaving for school or anything we've seen before. This is big."

And upon my mom's retelling of this, the significance of my decision caught up to me.  This is different. This is not a temporary leave (this is different than purgatory). This is the biggest change I've faced in my life.  And while I'm not going into it with blind optimism or lack of a plan, there is a bit of a "HOLY SHIT" feeling that goes along with it.

Gone is being close to family. Gone is spending time with so many of the people who have been central to my life for years. Gone are most of my possessions. Gone is the safety of making a career in Portland. Gone is a spacious apartment to come home to at the end of the day.

Still, my destination is a world class metropolis.  My couch/floor/closet will be a hot item for family and friends.  There are new, even stronger connections to be made.  An experience-not-stuff based existence is something I admire and strive for (not to mention am accomplishing surprisingly well).  The career possibilities are more challenging and hence more rewarding where I'm going.  And if you think I value floor space over urban living with [someday] a phenomenal view, well you don't know me all that well.

So when I acknowledge that this feels different, it's not strictly melancholy.  There are parts that I'm not used to yet.  There are parts that will continue to feel out of place until a little solidity returns, like a full time job or a bed.  But there are more parts right now and looming on the horizon that are so freaking exciting that I'm reminded why I did this. 

Right now my life is full of the unfamiliar save for my destination, drive, and a few bags of clothes*. But that won't be forever. The elements of discomfort today become pieces of perspective tomorrow.

So yeah, this is big.  There's no hand holding on this adventure.  This feels different, but hey, I wanted something different. There's no direction to move but forward.