George Kennedy
RIP George Kennedy. He will always and forever be remembered for The Naked Gun and his multiple commercials for BreathAsure, the internal breath-freshener. Men and women much older than me who like to go to PBS oldies revues and vote for Donald Trump will remember him for much more than that. The following is an old bit I wrote that I pass along again in tribute:
BreathAsure. Garlic and onions. “I eat whatever I want because I take BreathAsure!” Garlic and onions. Close-up B-roll of people eating food loaded with garlic and onions. Stinky feet. Lumpy middle aged bodies. Tired baggy eyes.
On a sparse set lit like a cross between an interrogation room and the Check It Out! set, George Kennedy sits on a stack of apple boxes and takes his shoes and socks off. He takes out pizza loaded with garlic and onions. George noisily consumes the pizza. Close ups of George’s stinky feet. George Kennedy loudly belches. Couple of buttons pop off his shirt. George really sweaty. He has a massive heart attack and collapses on ground. Blood pouring out of his mouth and nose. Leslie Nielsen didn’t even die half this undignified.
O.J. Simpson is the last Naked Gun cast member alive. Ricardo Montalban, Robert Goulet and Anna Nicole Smith along with George and Leslie Nielsen are dead. The whereabouts of Fred Ward are unknown at this time. Garlic and onions.
George Kennedy once did a commercial for BreathAsure where he went undercover as a cool teenager to get the kids to think about their bad breath and take BreathAsure. His stinking feet gave him away. After the age of 35, men’s feet begin to stink more and more with each passing year, along with the middle-age bloating and paunchiness. George, despite his claims that pizza was awesome, was not able to steer the conversation over to bad breath, and he was beaten to within an inch of his life by the strong youthful teens and jettisoned from their cool hangout. Let this be a lesson to all old people who can’t digest their garlic and onions without smelling like a decomposing corpse. Youth, young, fresh and new. Step aside for the new generation, you’ve had your turn. And you blew it. So-ree!
