#brat queue

This has been… a year.

 Honestly it feels like last year and this sort of merged together into this big ball of mess.

 And a whole lot of nothing.

 I think back, which I know it’s best to leave the past where it is, but at the same time I can’t help but think about it. Two years ago, things were different, and I feel like since then I’ve taken steps backwards in some ways. I’ve really struggled this year, trying to keep myself from falling into a rut or pit of familiarity from even further back in my past. In some ways I’ve managed to avoid such, in others not so much.

 I just keep thinking about how challenging this past year was. How many times I seemed to get knocked down by something. So much has changed, and many things will never be the same for me because of things that have transpired.

 And yeah, I’m being dramatic. I have my moments.

 I think in some ways it’s been good for me to see another side of things. Of learning you can get tired, worn out from doing every day tasks like keeping a house and taking care of someone other than yourself. It’s been rocky, uneasy, but it’s been worth it.

 But I don’t like uncertainty and that’s how the future feels to me, this coming year. Nothing feels sure anymore. In a blink of an eye everything can change. A second. It’s a humbling thing to realize and it makes me want to gather all those I love and keep them close to me and protect them.

 I hate losing people, even if they don’t know me, such as celebrities. And this past two years we’ve all lost a lot, it’s not just me who has. But it’s hit me hard, it’s changed me, and I know a little or sometimes bigger piece of me has gone with each of them.

 Music is never going to be the same for me. Cinema too. The latter I’m processing a lot better, I’m strangely at peace with it to some degree even if there are some movies I’m not sure when I’ll watch them again, but music… I’m working on. Slowly but surely, day by day. But some stuff honestly, I don’t know when I’ll listen to it again. However, I seem to be okay with Christmas music, but regular stuff it’s a daily struggle to feel like listening to it and I used to not go a day hardly without listening.

 I think this year I am thankful the most for friends and family. For my silly little kitty who makes me laugh and my dog who aggravates me sometimes and even my Aunt’s grumpy cat.

 To my friends thank you, I’m sorry if I’ve seemed distant or off, I haven’t meant to but I’m odd and sometimes I withdraw because I don’t like to process things or feel things, or I’m scared, afraid I’m going to lose you somehow. Always remember that its never anything you do, it’s me. I’m a mess if you haven’t figured that out yet, some of you. But I suppose I’m your mess. I know I don’t say it enough or at all really, but I love each of you and I don’t even want to try to imagine my life without any of you.

 To my family… all of the above applies of course. Sometimes I wish I was more, better… greater. But, I know I’m where I need to be at this time, where I’m supposed to be and that is taking care of my family. I know it may not make sense to anyone outside of our situation, but we know, and it makes sense to us and that’s all that matters.

 Also, just please, don’t mention any of this stuff to me, don’t bring it up or want to talk about it because you know how I am. I don’t like getting emotional, never have. There’s not specific reason for why I don’t either, no one has ever told me getting emotional is bad, but it’s something that I personally have created, where, why or when or how exactly I’m not sure, even if I have a pretty good idea and I’m sure some of you do too, but I am trying to work on it. Emotions aren’t bad things, but to me for so many reasons they’re scary things, painful.

 And I wish for my friends and family that I could take away all your troubles, either make them disappear or take them on myself. None of you deserve the sorrows and things you face, all of you deserve happiness and great, beautiful things. It will forever bother me that I can’t fix all the things for all of you.

 To segue from that into the next thing, because I feel they go a bit hand in hand, I’m trying to take better care of myself. I am. I need to emotionally, physically and mentally. Physically especially because I don’t want to go back, I don’t want bad things to happen again and scare everyone or worse… and I know, I just need to do it. Talking about it, acknowledging it is all fine and good, but that’s not doing it. I will, I can’t promise on that fact, but I will. I will do something.

 And this goes with the mentally and emotionally taking better care of myself, I’ve learned a valuable lesson about not checking on people, looking at their media profiles if they don’t care about me. If I’m nothing to someone then they should be to me too. Am I struggling to keep with this mentality? Oh yes, but I’m doing it and frankly I’m all the better for it. Sometimes as harsh as it sounds you’ve got to be that way, you’ve got to put your foot down and just do it. Forget about the people who have forgotten you.

 And in doing that, leave the past where it is. Don’t drag stuff up, don’t keep wallowing in it. It will only pull you down and keep you away from the things that make you happy. It will seep into you and make it difficult for you to just move on, especially from stupid things that just don’t make that much difference in the first place or in the scheme of things.

 As much as I’m struggling with a lot of things, I have become comfortable in myself at the same time. I know who I am, I just need to own it and keep doing so. Remind myself of reasons people do give a damn about me and focus on them, both the reasons and the people.

 With that said, I think I’d like to end my yearly rambling with a quote from the latest Star Wars, delivered by the lovely, adorable character Rose (who let’s face it, we can all relate to being a fan girl or fan boy and meeting someone who inspires us).

 "That's how we're gonna win. Not fighting what we hate, saving what we love."

 Not saying to not stand up to the evils in this world, but ultimately love does conquer all. Who you love are the most important things in your life and who loves you. We need to love each other, in doing that we can bridge gaps, we can heal the damage done. We can rise and be that spark.

 I love my family the two-legged parts of it and the four legged. I love my friends be they near or far. I love this Earth, I love my faith and spirituality. I love beautiful things, silly things, heart wrenching things. I love books, I still love music and singing, I love movies and my shows, I love writing, I love seeing people smile and be genuinely happy, I love and celebrate the differences in everyone I see. I love myself (maybe not every day, but I’m working on that). Really my list of love goes on and on and on. And these are the most important things to me, the things worth saving. Worth living for.

 So, this year, I have a question for you…

 What do you love? What is worth saving to you?