#brainyheart

So for a bit of context, I was mentioned for a new challenge on Instagram called artist/performer challenge, in which basically I need to post 10 pictures of me every day for 10 days in a performance situation with no explanation to bring awareness to the arts. However, because my annoying self don’t wanna ruin the aesthetic of my instagram feeds, and I need to really start my writing habits again, instead of only posting the picture without context, I wanna post a whole ass story. The next 10 days will be my own journey in art.

Growing up in a conservative Javanese family, my grandfather held the traditional value of teaching arts to the children to train their “emotional brain” —which I actually appreciate, even though I know it’s a pain in the ass for some people- since he was a traditional dancer, all of his children were taught to dance. So my mum tried this on me and my brother, she enrolled me in traditional dancing course when I was super small, like 4 or 5 yo, then a violin course when I was 15. 

My parents, esp my mum, knew from the beginning that I inherited the art blood. I liked dancing, singing, acting, drawing, even when I didn’t really like playing the violin, my teacher was fond of me (not in a creepy way, ofc). I was quite an art prodigy. I have been getting on stage since young age too, my parents —who were quite often in charge of Christmas/Easter celebration in our church- always tried to make me perform, in every way: Balinese dancing, Javanese dancing, semi-ballet musical, theatre, singing, playing the violin, and even the picture above was from when I did a monologue.

The problem was that I had always been a big rebel. I didn’t like to be told what to do. I love going on stage and I know I’m good at it, but the more people push me to do it, the more I’d be hiding in the crowd. Unfortunately, my parents still have a hard time unlearning their old ways of “telling me what to do”, so we always end up fighting. Most of the time, our fights never has any closures, and just left hanging without any clear result of what each parties should and should not do. 

I also overestimated myself, I quitted playing violin, I stopped drawing, my band was breaking up, and I only act when I was really needed to. Without hardwork or training, raw talent will only be “talent”, and nothing more. I might have started as a 10 yo with a 15 yo talent, but as soon as I neglect my training, I became a 20 yo with the same 15 yo talent. It wasn’t good enough.

There are times when I regret my stubbornness, like, why???

But oh well, what’s done is done. I made my choice and no matter how poor that was, I ought to live up to it. I’m happy enough to be able to be aware of myself, the actions and consequences I had in the past, even my weak and strong points, also what I aspire to be in the future (haven’t figured this out quite yet tho). However, life never runs out of chances, I know I can —and I should- try to keep going at the things I love, including my passion for art, no matter how many times I gotta fall and restart all over again. I learn and manifest this in dancing —which I will be talking a lot on the next posts.