My brain, all weekend: You are embarrassing, unlikable, and ultimately disposable.
Totally random (completely gorgeous) woman at the Dollar Tree: Honey, I am absolutely loving this entire vibe you've got going on.
Me: 🥹
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My brain, all weekend: You are embarrassing, unlikable, and ultimately disposable.
Totally random (completely gorgeous) woman at the Dollar Tree: Honey, I am absolutely loving this entire vibe you've got going on.
Me: 🥹

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You know what really sucks? Being an auditory learner with misophonia.
I will not remember it unless I hear it, but if the person talking has a "bad" voice, I will be more focused on their voice grating against my eardrums than the content of what they're saying, and I still won't remember shit.
I really hit the brain jackpot on that one.
I wrote something cause I was pissed off about people calling me brave for just dealing with the shit that I had to deal with.
“You’re so brave”
I grit my teeth
Place on a smile
You meant it kindly
This I cannot deny
However
You don’t know
It’s not been your lot
In Life
What you don’t see
What’s hidden behind my eyes
Sobbing and shuddering
Late at night
But enduring
Because this is what
I was given
You say I’m brave
When really I’m coping
You say I don’t know
Just how you do it
I say
There’s no other way
For me
Please just don’t
Call me brave
A wonder
Incredible
For handling my life
With what I was given
I have serious trouble writing. Anyone who's been following me for a while will know this. Antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds don't seem to be helping either. But I've been looking around at articles and book chapters aimed at educators and it's got me wondering. My executive functioning problems don't get in the way so much when it's a short response paper that wants me to summarise, compare, contrast the class readings. It's when I'm asked to produce a major independent project that I fall to bits, because I cannot even begin to fathom what the steps in the whole process might be. I feel like I need to read every single book available before I'm even qualified to type the word 'the' into a document. Low motivation doesn't help either. I get horrendously distractable, avoidant, anxious, fidgety, prone to throwing myself obsessively into other things (like making jewellery)... And then when I do actually do my research and attempt to start writing, I seem to have no filter for what is and is not useful; if I find out interesting facts or anecdotes they ALL have to be written about and expounded upon at great length. This was less of a problem for me writing my undergrad dissertation, because I had a supervisor who would periodically read my drafts and give guidance when I seemed to be veering off course. Not so with these projects. I mean... even right now I'm not fucking working. I'm distracting myself by writing this, rocking back and forth slightly in my desk chair and looking up ways to make my workspace less depressing. And I'm afraid to bring up the possibility with any of my doctors that maybe... perhaps... I might be a tiny, tiny bit aspie? Hell, I feel ashamed of myself for typing that here. I feel like a hypochondriac all the damn time. I don't even know.
Due to some past trauma and brain stuff, I can’t be at the Womxn’s march in Seattle today. But, if I could go, this is def what I would look like!!
Solidarity is all we have, so those of you marching, know that we who can’t go because of physical or mental disability are still standing with you. Please don’t think for a second that we don’t care.

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uughh i'm having one of those fun ptsd days where things that I felt neutral about or even had pleasant associations with are suddenly absolutely revolting to the point of actual physical nausea. 😒 FOR NO REASON. whhhhhhy.
hoooo x_x
it’s weird how one minute you’re in the car talking about a stephen king audiobook and the next mortality gets shoved right in your face as this doe flings herself out in front of the car and is just a hair too slow for us to miss
did you know luka is a really good driver? luka is a really good driver. he was slowing down before I even realized anything was up, he said he saw two deer darting past before the crash, (and usually I look for deer when we go driving at night too, this time I just didn’t spot it) and when the impact happened, the second thought I had besides the initial “OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD” was “... oh, that wasn’t so bad.”
And then I realized the deer wasn’t gonna get up and walk away, and I could only cringe and pray that she went quickly and thank GOODNESS she did because oh god that poor poor thing ._.
it’s a strange thing to think, but I’ve never seen anything that big die before. before today, i’d never been in a car that hit a deer, I never knew what it was like. i’m just so glad she didn’t suffer. it all could have gone so much worse.
The car needs to go to the mechanic again and I’m dissociating pretty hard between little bouts of really intense queasiness (i had plans for a pampery midnight tea party tonight but NOPE, NOT TONIGHT, TEA CANCELED, MAYBE LATER, OOGH.) but all that aside we’re safe and Ellie is safe and she was so good you guys.
Just, dang. You think you know how your night’s gonna be and then something like this happens.
Jumpscare animal crossing nightmares are a special kind of hell.