#brain fixing

before anything i just want to say that i haven’t gotten my period yet this month save for that time before exams when i got it for like a day or two and then there was nothing. body issue or should i just be grateful? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

so. smartitude. i’ve been trying to write about this for EVER but it’s always been hard to put into words or even to remember what i was going to say before i start typing. here is what it is before it disappears - i have the misguided notion that i am smart. this is the most subjective, the truest and falsest thing i know.

i guess that’s why it’s so hard to say. i try my best to say what i know to be true and i don’t know this to be true. at first i thought ‘it’s okay to refer to yourself this way if it seems true so far? i’m okay, right? i think differently. i know things. i see things. i am not like them.’ again, this is a case of me wanting to be different and identifying with unhealthy things to further that image i have of myself.

i don’t think i’m the smartest or the best, but i think that i’m smart. i think that i can get by by being smart--by thinking and knowing things. this is what i was taught. i blame my entire family for this. but after a while, this is what i learned. people who weren’t part of my family told me i was smart. i got good grades, high scores, got into good schools. there was evidence for my supposed smartitude. therefore it must be true. i am smart.

and that was a process for me to accept. like a lot of people, i don’t like believing that i’m more than what i am, because it would feel like a lie. i wanted (and still want) to be self-aware. i want to know myself. but i knew that i had to accept this part of me as true to truly know myself. i had to accept i was smart. so i did. another step on the rung of self-acceptance.

and then came med school which started out as one of those things that affirmed my smartitude by virtue of me getting a good score and getting into a decent school and other people telling me i was smart. that’s how it started. then slowly i realized that i kind of suck at this. i can’t get by by thinking and knowing because my brain thinks differently from this brand of different. i don’t things here. the things i’ve come to know and accept are different.

slowly this infection spread and i started to realize that suck in other areas. when i was in college, i had a list of things that i didn’t like about myself. i noticed those things again in med school.

then i thought, hey okay, maybe i suck. that’s not something i didn’t know before. i’m not good at a lot of things. this is just one of those things i’m not good at. so i’ll work hard like everyone else and i’ll be able to do this. people do it all the time. i don’t need to be perfect even if i’m driven by hellfire to overtake the smart people in my class because i was so used to being the smartest that it was literally a blow to what little pride i have to not be called as the top student. i just need to be okay.

so i worked. and i still didn’t pass. and i have no idea what to do. i don’t want to work too much because i honestly don’t see the point. and i don’t want to lose anymore than what i’ve already lost. i’ve already lost my pride. if i keep studying, i’m going to lose my personality, my friends, my life. these things that i’ve kept so close to me and have used to build myself up to form a functioning human being. i am slowly falling apart, being dismantled like a robot, taken apart piece by piece. studying more is not the solution. or maybe it is but i just don’t want to do it.

then i think i’ve had it easy my entire life. i’ve been doing things that i was good at, so what? did they all not matter? was the playing field this uneven this entire time? is this the real me? all this gunk and stupidity and mediocrity?

let’s take a moment to recognize that i feel so fucking calm while writing this. my brain has been living in the space between rag doll beaten down to got to stand up and not show this to people at school and not disappoint my family. this has caused a thunderous collision in my head. everything is off center. i’m not even sure if i’m still acting normally. i feel so self-conscious and paranoid and the thought that i am literally going crazy has crossed my mind. but for some reason, i am breathing right now. why is that.

i don’t deserve it. i don’t know how to say it so i blurted and i fucked it up, but i told my parents that i failed and that we shouldn’t keep wasting money on me if i’m just going to fuck everything up and then went back to judging music videos with my sister. i feel so torn. i need to be aware of everything. the way i act around my parents, just how much they know about me and what i’m going through. and i just read a post on buzzfeed talking about how you shouldn’t be afraid to share but i can’t help it. it is the hardest thing to show people how i feel because i feel like i am not feeling the way i should. does that make sense?

this brings us to positivity which is a tiny but recent part of this smartitude debacle. everyone is telling me to think positive. what if i can’t? what if i don’t want to? i’m not being negative. i’m being realistic. i am preparing myself for the inevitable shit that will hit the fan. this is my umbrella. i have lived on the don’t hope don’t get disappointed principle my entire life and it’s worked out okay thus far.

serious question: does believing in myself really change the outcome of whatever’s on that test paper? my belief in myself is independent of whatever score i got days ago is how i see it. but now that i’m considering it, i’m also paranoid that my negative thinking has indeed affected my score and i’m failing because i’m not thinking the right way?? wtf is up with that.

also how i tell people that this is how i think, this is how i am, this is how i be. and not in the way balth was saying like i want to sit people down and tell them ‘this is how i am, this is how you should be.’ i just want the first part. i just want to tell people that this is it. this is me. i’m sorry you made a mistake in choosing who to hang out with on that first day. i’m sorry i’m so negative. i’m sorry i have issues that i can’t explain because i’ve never seen a psychiatrist and am too fucking scared to go out and do just that.