#brain dissection

23rd August - Brain Dissection

Here are some of my work thoughts, recorded on label backings

Sisyphean need/desire to categorize every morsel of the [my] human experience. [But the] Nature of human experience is to fall outside these categorizations. [I find] Beauty in that (but secretly I'm extremely frustrated with that fact

On (Not) Hosting: My home stops being my home when someone else is in it. I stop being me when someone is in my home. I am not free to exist, I have obligations & considerations... Responsibilities. I can't relax or enjoy myself if I'm preoccupied with figuring out what my responsibilities are and trying to fulfill them. [No matter how comfortable I am with them, as soon as someone enters my space, I stop being me and start being an Agent Of Meeting Expectations, Responsible for the Other's Enjoyment]

Feeling responsible for my own pain. Are the material conditions actually lowering my quality of life or is it the anxiety just circling back on itself. Am I causing my own "suffering". [i.e. if you took away the anxiety, would the living situation be that bad? probably not. I'm just making things worse for myself by being so anxious, but it's not like I have control over my anxiety]

Here are some of my work thoughts, recorded in my brain:

How a lot of these things, maybe, come back to pathological demand avoidance, or something similar. Resenting having to be good. Resenting being put in a position where I might make mistakes or fail. Resenting being asked if I'm ok, what a stupid question, what happens if/when I say know, are you going to try to fix it? expect me to know what I need to fix it? what's the point. Altogether avoiding situations that put me in a role with expectations and responsibilities.

More thoughts about needing a new XYZ journal. Currently on thought rotation is the 5 year day book. Thoughts on what it should include are Sleep hours, work machine?, salient moods... Maybe this was yesterday's thought. Today I was focusing on the mood as a -5 -3 -0 0 +0 +3 +5 scale. Thinking about using the composition notebook for an everything-collage-journal. Thinking about how I'm still thinking I just "need to find the right system and suddenly I'll be able to journal consistently"

Felt the limbs-heavy type of depressive mood and considered how the difference between then and my episodes is that I can't let myself fall into it when I'm at work.

Being tired is probably my number one reason for crying, and for that I am just like a baby. Maybe babies just know painful tiredness like no other

My art/craft/creative/social media practices are just the only way I'm able to process every single thought/feeling that goes through me. Like my brain is wired to not have a single thought go without a thorough exposition towards a hypothetical other. I'm at work drafting blog posts and instagram stories in my head instead of just having Thoughts. I'm drafting up zines about every past experience I'm still mentally working through. My thoughts are structured as something to be shared, exhaustingly dissected and explained for a third person audience, whether I end up sharing them or not.