Brain Curd #463
Brain Curds are barely-edited fiction, poetry, or just about anything else - drafted in a day or less. It’s Sanka.
I cancelled my subscription last night, and this morning they sent a nine-millimeter wellness check to my door.
“Good day to you,” the officer said, polishing his Glock. “May I come in?”
I stared at his face through the crack in the door. The chain was still engaged, but it was the barest bit of drywall holding it to the door. I knew if he really wanted to come in, he’d make it happen regardless of my answer.
“Uh…” I stammered. “You know, I was just in the middle of breakfast and I’m not quite prepared to entertain guests, so I’ll have to ask you to -”
“Oh, don’t be silly.” He chuckled, his hand still caressing the gun through a cleaning cloth. “I don’t need anything fancy.”
“That may be, but I still -”
“Your friends at Amazon are concerned, Miss Leo. I’ll go as soon as I feel confident I can tell them you’re A-OK.” He held up a straining thumb.
My stomach went skydiving and I gulped it back down. “Very well, then.” I shut the door, unlatched it, and opened it all the way.
He holstered his pistol and strolled inside, looking around. “Lovely place you have here. Just moved in?”
“Yes, uh, well… It’s been a few months, but I’m still unpacking. Can I get you some coffee?”
“Certainly, thank you.”
There was still some warm water in the kettle, so I poured it over a spoonful of crystals. “Cream? Sugar?”
“Two and two.”
I opened some packets I swiped from the Denny’s down the street and stirred with a wooden stick. “Here you go.” I handed him the well-loved mug.
“My, my,” he said after taking a sip. “This mug has seen better days, eh?”
I chuckled, though it wasn’t very funny. “It still holds liquid, though, now doesn’t it?”
“Amazon Basics coffee mugs are very affordable. Prime Day is coming up, don’t you know? I’m sure you could save even more then.”
“Or… I could keep using this mug.”
Without breaking his gaze, he released his grip and allowed the mug to slip, shattering on impact after bouncing from his boot. Coffee went all over the floor. “Oops, I’m sorry about that. There’s some jitter on my trigger fingers, you understand.”
I shuddered looking at the wreckage. “That mug was the last thing I still had from my great grandmother… but, uhm, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”
“I bet you wish you had that Prime membership back, don’t you? They gave me a code for a free month with the purchase of a year, if you’d like it.”
“No, no…” I got on my knees with a rag. “I should pick up a replacement at the local thrift. They have plenty of them.”
“They couldn’t compete with the selection, though. You could have a matching set from Amazon.”
“I’m not one for matching, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
“Right, yes…” He awkwardly moved to the next sales pitch. “And you only have one lamp in here. What is that, an Ikea?”
“No idea.”
“They have Ikea products on Amazon these days, do you know that?”
“I really think there are enough lamps in the world, officer. I don’t need to be buying new ones.”
“Not even on clearance? Or, better yet, by ordering from Amazon Haul, you can save even more by shipping direct from the manufacturer.”
“I can see fine.”
There was a blast of gunpowder and the sound of a shattering bulb. I looked up to see the gun in his hand, smoking, and a bullet hole through the lampshade. His head turned slowly toward me. “Don’t you think you ought to buy something?”
“N-n-no…?”
He put his gun back in his holster and tipped his hat. “Well, I just had to make sure.” He walked to the door and stepped out, but his head turned back inside. “I understand if you’re not presently in need of any of Amazon’s products, miss. But…” He clicked his tongue. “It’d be a damn shame if you didn’t know they offer Amazon Health insurance packages fit to every budget. Never know when something could happen.”
I trembled. My eggs attempted to jump back out of my gullet on a raft of toast. “I’ll sign up tonight.” I nodded. “Yeah, tonight.”
He smiled. “Great. I’ll let them know.”
Penned 2025.10.06
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