#brain clutter

More pictures of Tilly (dyed Karma), someday I’m going to cover the mika blobbyness with glitter because it’s a decent green base and glitter solves everything, she’s a great twin to Nandina-Karma. I wanted to point out how her hair colours took blue dye and how I vaselined the hairline which stayed fairly neon as 30+% was built on a superglue repair line and I don’t know how superglue reacts to dye. Batsy is on day 5 I think and we’re slowly getting some traction on that big chunk of glue. Bunita is back to being Bonita albeit with quite the swiss cheese head, my rooting technique for her was really rough. She may end up with a yarn reroot but it’s better than the mess of yellow and pink nylon that just wasn’t right.

I spent a whole day cutting up a factory Cheer Violet Willow (literally craft knife spirals of her scalp) as the hair is lock latch rooted in then sorting the hair. Just because i needed busy hands and empty brain for a day and that was what was available. Two of the metallic colours turned out to be perfect for this really hard to swatch Annika, her and Rayla have an oddly unsaturated face paint that’s sort of built on silver which makes it hard to jazz them up without going with dark colours to make the face pop a little better. I wanted more colours (ya know me, why do two when you can do four!) including the purple MLC kiwi but matte colours and this gal are not a match. full of foam, slow plug by plug. I have supplies and projects a plenty but sorting out hair and sticking it in a doll from an older bundle is the only think that’ll tick forward right now. It beats being overwhelmed and unable to choose a next step, I was mentally stuck on this Diva-Midge.

Because they Spark Joy, I got out my ‘work in progress’ Monster Highs to display, they might be bald (or even headless!) but having them stuffed in a drawer was making me forget their colourful wonder. Probs gonna do the same with my two Janays: have them out but bald or with glued yarn. Other things have been put away or even put in the bait bundle. My space has been subsumed with a mix of work that’s a pleasure, work that’s a chore, my crew, passing though, half finished reminders of what I can’t do. I’m reminded from earlier this year that I am happy to bundle stuff out at “a loss” because the gain is clarity, self confidence and just being able to craft without making brain breaking decisions.

it’s an odd realization, because the feeling happened sneakily and quietly, but i think they them are my 100% preferred pronouns, like it wont actively send me spiralling if called her or she but it just doesn’t fit, like somebody who doesn’t know you well mispronouncing your name.

I doubt i’ll ever have a complete disconnect with the “experience of womanhood” and being raised and treated and seen as a girl because that’s what of my outward appearance and upbringing conveys.

but it feels weird calling myself she, it feels weird hearing my parents say daughter or being called somebody’s sister or girlfriend.

i think the toughest thing is being ok with realizing that I can present however I want to and it won’t change who I am or what I am, i can like the shape of my body, i can like traditionally feminine things and i can sill be nonbinary. 

Brain Clutter Everywhere Brain Clutter is real, and I feel it every day. It’s not about deep thoughts or endless worries, but about random bits piling up. Reminders, unfinished ideas, scattered notes, forgotten lists, random memories, and silly distractions — they all sit there, waiting. My head feels like a shelf that’s too full, with pieces spilling out whenever I try to focus. It’s messy,…

Our brains are computers. Therefore … Our computers are brains. In some ways much alike. In other ways not so much. Often, both fall victim to a ‘Hoarders’ clutter of collective memories. Virtual stacks of yesterday’s news and tomorrow’s blues. Easily rectified on our mechanical think tanks with their flatscreen monitors. A simple “Deleting of the cache” with a simple “defrag of the hard…

It gives me such a sting, knowing that the inevitability of people leaving or someone being your closest friend drifting away became something I learned very very early.

Now I'm an adult, everybody has outgrown feeling invincible, everybody has outgrown being naive and wide eyed about the world.

Everybody has outgrown the times I spent night after night in my room alone wishing for.

And now I'm an adult.

And I have to be a grownup about it. Idk if I wanna even act like that now, just wish I had more than the same 10 stories to revisit when I'm feeling nostalgic for being younger and cringe and sillier.

I dont wanna be an adult who acts like a teenager or an 18 year old. I wanna be an adult who has more fond memories of being a teenager than sad.

I wanna be an adult who doesnt feel emotionally stunted all the time.

I wanna be someone who had all my embarrassing phases with people I can laugh about them with.