#boyerased

UGhhhhhhhhh fine I finally saw this movie. I had been avoiding it because I knew I wouldn’t like it, and I definitely knew I would be haunted by Nicole Kidman’s wig as always. And guess what: I was right!! If you want to journey with me to the heart of darkness - aka reviewing a Nicole Kidman wig - let’s discuss!

First of all, this movie is based on an actual memoir of the horrors of gay conversion therapy. Obviously, I say amen to any movie which shows how darksided this practice is while also pissing off Mike Pence, though I much preferred the OTHER conversion therapy movie this year, The Miseducation of Cameron Post (and of course prefer But I’m A Cheerleader overall). 

Sadly, this movie is Lifetime TV quality at best and the Bohemian Rhapsody of conversion therapy movies at worst (which is to say: a garbage fire doing no service to the LGBTQ community). Since it is based on real life, there is a real person Nicole Kidman is playing. That real person is Garrard Conley’s mom, Martha, who is always having a Chicos kind of day, and also saved her son from the evil forces of teenage brainwashing so basically: she is a saint. 

Here they are - it’s like seeing double right? Beyond height differentials, THIS HAIR IS NOT THE SAME YOU GUYS. The real Martha Conley looks like the most brilliant creature to ever have glamour shots taken outdoors, and Nicole Kidman is wearing a bent Marilyn Monroe wig that got fried in the sun and is also wearing a little league shirt for some reason. You may say: hey this comparison isn’t fair because now Martha looks like the southern version of Hillary Clinton and this story took place 14 years ago, when Martha had a different coif.

Fair enough: here is Martha about 14 years ago. THIS IS WYNONNA JUDD REALNESS. AND LOOKS NOOOOOTHING LIKE N’KIDMAN (can we get N’Kidman to happen? I dunno it’s just too much to type you guys). Regardless, if they wanted to go for accuracy, they clearly should have hired Our Lady of Perpetual Wigs, DOLLY EFFING PARTON’S wig lady (or dude?) because that is the only person who could have done this angelic being the correct service!! ALSO WHERE CAN I GET THAT MARABOU COUTURE OUTFIT?!?!?!?!

LUCAS HEDGES’ FACE SAYS IT ALL. Yes, this outfit is giving CHICOS REALNESS but that goddamned wig. The part is a crooked valley of questions and the texture is as dried out as, well, all of N’Kidman’s wigs. You may recall another terrifying account of N’Kidman wig realness that almost killed me. Still, she has the uncanny ability to bring this dusty quality to all her wig wurq and I must give her credit for consistency. 

So in the early scenes of the movie, the only issue Martha has with her son is that he likes stick his arm out of moving cars and vogue (foreshadowing, Martha!) BUT THEN HE SAYS HE THINKS ABOUT MEN! DUN DUN DUN. 

Then we get into some real artsy mirror shots like this which give the full range of wig emotions which is to say: confused, dusty, bent, dry, and with no visible scalp under the part (which is my least favorite emotion). 

I’m just realizing now that N’Kidman does a ton of hand acting in this movie. Just look at those talons! Terrifying. It should be noted that Russell Crowe is also in this movie and he has gone full schlub and I’m here for it. Back to N’Kidman - look at that ring of dust on the top of her head! This wig needs some spring cleaning, y’all.

There are some scenes where it feels like the height of this wig is approaching appropriate Judd levels but the dusty factor is consistently: N’Kidman.  Also does anyone know where I can buy that caftan?

As the movie progresses, her wig sinks in height which might have been on purpose to show the emotional toll this whole thing has taken on Martha but honestly I think they were just getting sloppy. Just like the writing, direction, and general structure of the movie! Do not get me started on the inconsistent use of flashbacks! Horrors! 

Is that dust at the top of this wig supposed to be grey hairs? Is this supposed to convey the passage of time? It certainly felt like I WENT GREY watching this movie but???? Anyway, it should come as no surprise when I say...

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

Baseado numa inesquecível história real, #BoyErased: Uma Verdade Anulada chega em breve aos cinemas.