#boundless words

Is this it? Truly? Is what I’m feeling what many people crave, have? How can I tell? I think I know?

I'm so very confused. God do I feel alone, but, I want to be left alone. I don't understand this. I don't understand how I can feel both ways, a split, straight down the middle. Sat cooped up in my room, staring at my electronic screens with glazed over ignorant eyes. My head filled with thousands of thoughts, some I drown out and some I listen to as if they were the perfect symphony, shame they're a waste of time. Procrastinating my biggest obligations. Why do I always complain about how depressed I am, how alone I feel, how I'm going in a downward spiral and I'm letting myself down? I always complain. That's all I do, I never change it, I just whine and strop arrogantly. Lessons never get learned until I've been disciplined at least five times for doing the same thing, then it's too late.

I ache.

All I want. All I need is the corners of a smile pressed roughly against my skin licentiously. The outline of another's fingertips burning their memories into me. Engulfed in an energy that I am still yet to experience so one I can still not explain, or know. A breath heavy and lustful- blowing the runaway strands of hair that have fallen from behind my ear. An experience quite unruly.

I just thought of something. I truly just did. The reason I'm alone and can't find love is because I am not allowing myself to be loved! I see someone we talk and I just, stop. It's unexpected, like my emotions, my life and my thoughts. I need to be me and allow myself happiness!