Harry was at Ben’s, when he saw the news that Zayn had gone to the hospital. It took him one minute to get out of bed and into his car. He’s not sure he’s ever been so scared. No one is answering his texts or his calls and he doesn’t know what happened--he should have pushed, should have known Zayn wasn’t really okay--should have been there. It’s the first moment in a while he remembers just what it felt to be so in love with Zayn he can’t think, because his whole head is Zayn and fear. 

It takes them a long time to have sex properly. Harry’s paranoid about it, so careful with Zayn all the time now in a way that’s actually really irritating, but it’s also sweet, how much he wants to be sure he’s not taking advantage again. But that does mean that every time Zayn wants to let their making out turn into something more, when his hands roam down Harry’s chest to slip into his pants, Harry tends to push them aside to get his hands on Zayn instead, or his mouth. It’s great--Zayn’s not saying no to blow jobs from Harry, and it breaks him in the best way, in ways he never dreamed he could have--but he wants the other way too. It takes a couple long talks and a night when Harry’s just the right side of tipsy to be horny enough to give in before he forgets to distract Zayn so Zayn can convince him to properly fuck him. And even then, after, Zayn has to kiss him and roll his eyes in equal quantities to assure Harry he wanted it, it wasn’t just because Harry wanted it he swears, Louis isn’t going to kill him unless he refuses to do it again. 

1) Zayn is apparently no longer trusted with his own care. Whenever he has the slightest cough, he is immediately rushed to a doctor by a pack of bandmates. He’s both endeared and annoyed by this, but he humors them, because sometimes Louis still looks at him the same way he had when he’d caught Zayn, and he doesn’t want to do that to them again. 

2) Zayn still forgets, sometimes. He’s wanted Harry for so long, so helplessly, that sometimes he forgets he has him. That he’s allowed to touch now, that when Harry does something that makes him want to kiss him he’s allowed to. Harry’s gotten better at recognizing those moments, and kissing Zayn for him, but still. It’s hard, sometimes. To remember. 

3) The first time they do have sex, it’s after a long romantic dinner they’d cooked together, after a few glasses of wine but not enough to get them drunk. It’s a little awkward, but only because both of them are constantly checking in to make sure the other really wants this. But it’s good too, so good and Zayn can feel, for the first time, that he’s loved as much as he loves. 

4) There are no hard feelings between Zayn and Ben. there are between Louis and Ben, and Zayn’s not sure on who’s behalf that is, but Zayn’s never been jealous of Ben. Harry doesn’t seem to understand that, always is careful to tell Zayn if he’s seeing him and that nothing’s going to happen it’s all professional, but Zayn’s never cared about that. 

2. What’s my favorite part of the fic?

My favorite part is probably honestly the scene of Zayn at home, with his dad. Partly because not enough fics explore Zayn’s relationship with his father--which is, despite his not wanting much to do with fame, by all accounts a good one--so I liked getting to use that. But it’s also Zayn articulating his problems for the first time, and I always love having discussions about what love is.

7. Were there any major decisions I made about the fic that could have made it go a whole different direction?

There were actually a number of different ways this fic could have gone. The biggest thing is that there was a good 12 hour period where it was going to be a Zouis fic--Zayn would have realized the love he had for Harry wasn’t real or going anywhere, and that Louis had been there for him through everything, sort of being the Zayn to Zayn’s Harry. So that would have made it a very different fic.

It also could have been a lot more focused on the relationship dynamics of Harry, Ben, and Meredith--that was actually how I first conceived of it, was of Harry struggling with that while Zayn pined after him. But it pretty quickly became clear to me that the fic was about Zayn, not Harry, and that Zayn’s internal struggle was more interesting than Harry’s relationship problems.

☼: how i came up with the idea

This fic actually went through a weird evolution. It started with the pictures of harry and Ben ice skating, and I was like ‘hm, that looks a little too real. What if they were together?’ which went to ‘’what if harry was negotiating a open relationship with Ben and his wife’ which went to ‘what if Zayn knew and was pining meanwhile?’ which went to ‘what if Zayn got sick’? And in the end, the Ben/Meredith/Harry love triangle stopped really mattering. But that was where it started. 

♡: my favorite part

I love Zayn’s conversation with his father. partly that’s because I don’t think enough fics show that relationship, because from all accounts it’s a good one despite Yasser not wanting anything to do with his son’s fame. But also because it’s Zayn talking out his problems, and trying to find a happy medium. 

I also do love the part where zayn finally decides that he’s sick ofbeing a cliche, and to get out of bed. There’s something so uplifting about it to me, in a fic that’s pretty depressing until that point. 

✄: something i deleted before the final draft

This is less something I deleted and more a road I didn’t go down, but I seriously considered having this fic end up with Zayn realizing his love for Harry wasn’t healthy and was never going to be reciprocated and for him to realize that Louis had meanwhile been waiting for him to notice that he was there. I still think that would have been/would be an interesting fic--but it wasn’t the one I was writing. So it became Zarry. But that’s sort of something I cut!