#bornout

Quando chegamos ao fundo do poço, nosso limite de tolerância com as situações ruins fica... maior

Sinto que é algo como... já aguentei tanto, e agora nem estou no limite, então aguento mais um pouquinho

E mais um pouquinho, e mais um pouquinho

A gente vai se entregando pouco a pouco

Acreditando que ainda aguentamos mais

Afinal, "não está tão ruim assim"

Já foi pior - e eu aguentei

Mas na verdade, no pior, nós já quase não aguentamos

A gente adoeceu

Se perdeu

Foi morrendo aos poucos

Ficamos sem ar

Sem respirar

Sem tempo

Sem prazo

Sem...vida

Onde foi que nos perdemos? Quando foi que nos perdemos?

Quando acordar se tornou um martírio?

Não é que não gostemos mais da vida

A gente só não vê mais um caminho

Eu amava a vida.

Acordava sorrindo

Dando "bom dia" para todos

Daquelas pessoas insuportavelmente bem-humoradas de manhã — diziam.

Positiva. Leve. Confiante. Feliz

Segunda-feira?

"Melhor dia da semana" eu dizia

"Nova semana, novas oportunidades"

Mas hoje... a segunda chega sempre depois de uma noite anterior mal dormida

Por um final de semana tomado pelo trabalho

Exaustão mental.

Cansaço.

Ansiedade.

Falta de ar. Sem respirar. Ninguém vai reparar?

Meu Deus. Tudo de novo.

Eu amo advogar. Eu amo aprender. Eu amo fazer um trabalho bem feito

Eu escolhi isso. É o que eu quero

Mas como está... prazos impossíveis. Vivendo de trabalho. Vivendo só para entregar.

Uma demanda nova? É, posso encaixar: tenho um horário livre entre meia-noite e cinco da manhã

"Você está trabalhando muito e vai melhorar rs, vai chegar mais trabalho"

Não vai dar! Vou pifar!

Mas... vou aguentar, vou encaixar

It has been a while I have written here, tons of water flew down the Danube... xd Hungarian proverb. So anyways, on 30th May I finished the University. I FINISHED!!! Damn, got so tired, nostalgic and empty. Didn't know what to do instead of stressing and stdying, didn't know who I really am. This was a though 1,5-2 months, full of stress, disbalance and studying. After 2 weeks I am starting to feel myself a bit relaxed and chilled out, that my batteries are refilling.

To make my soul feel better, drank a bit (too) much lived my social life with some old and new friends and went to Necc (retro) party, Hollywood Undead & Papa Roach concert and also to yome houseparties. I met and got to know people that really like me for my crazy soul and are really cool, I mean they do not get hurt and throw a tantrum if I decline or portpone a plan, or they had to call it off. I think we are grown ups. (SADly or luckily)

Now it's the night before my first ever job interview. The past 2 weeks were really fantastic because I felt myself free but on the other hand, I was scared of the insecurity of the FUTURE. Now I am meeting tomorrow the head- physiotherapist of the DPC, which I really liked before, when I was there for the big practice. I do not know how embarrassing I am going to be, but we shall hope the bests. Fingers crossed they will like me (even if I left my thesis at relatives, so I can't bring it with myself... )

And yeah, my big reason for writing here is some overthinking again.... :P So yesterday I realized that my all time favourite band is Hollywood Undead <3 Which is very awesome and adult like. Like yeah, when I started High School my one and only was 1D and I was so naive and carelessly cheerful but also depressed, just never knew about that. And now to go over the nights and the years of my teenage years, Hollywood Undead was always there even if with only one song. Anyways, it was a huge recognition of myself, that what I thought in e.g. 2013-14-15 I will be, like a cheerful careless life-enjoying conscious adult, haha that's not me. I get it, that a surprising pandemic came in the way and some friendships were broken up or got stronger, also got knotted. But never thought that becoming an adult will be this hard. I am thinking of the disappointments and responsibilites, getting the casual adult problems like how much you spend on money or who do you spend your precious time with.

IN CONCLUSION, the real reason I wrote these things here are that I got a bit sad that in life when I'm 24, I experienced tons of disappointing moments and I reckon that is why most of the adults become so selfish. Like fck you, I am not adapting my day to yours, so if we can't make it for a chat or going out, it is your loss, btch. And that is what made me unconfortably sad, and also disappointed. That we do not care for each other anymore, we only care about ourselves. All in all, it is a messed up world and we are ready for an apocalypse.

If you made it to the end, you are an awesome and intelligent person, thank you for spending you priceless time for reading my stupid conversation in my head. <3 Kisses to you

De por qué las redes sociales son tan agotadoras, cómo desapareció el ocio de nuestras vidas, por qué la crianza de hijos es una carrera de obstáculos en este escenario de incertidumbres y de qué manera la cultura laboral se ha ido al garete, o como ella misma escribe en sus páginas, “antes, el trabajo era una mierda y era precario; ahora lo es más”.

Hari ijin telah usai. Yang kukhawatirkan kemarin tidak benar-benar terjadi. Heheh. Pekerjaan dibantu rekan kerja. Bimbingan senin sore pun juga lancar dengan mendapatkan pencerahan. Alhamdulillah.

Namun, beberapa hari ini tubuh rasanya mager sekali untuk memulai menyicil PR yang ada. Fase bornout. Dan itu ga enak sama sekali. Huwah.