#book-ending

If you could change the ending of any book, which one would it be? Given the chance, I won’t change the ending of any book. I respect the author’s view and the story he built after considerable research and time. Maybe the ending doesn’t satisfy me, but it could be a perfect ending for other readers. What I think would make a good ending might even make it worse for other readers, lol. If you…

Hello, I'm John

I have done the RSS feed thing for this blog, and I have appreciated the entries that you have made. 

I'm also working on the third step.  I haven't entered anything new from my journal into my blog, but I plan to continue doing so.  I started step three in August and it began with a prayer that I wrote as I prayed.  I felt good about it, and have read my prayer in the addiction recovery group.  What has been hard for me is that almost immediately after writing this prayer, I fell into a horrible relapse which has gone from August 27th until this past weekend.

I have pulled myself from this relapse, and started reading, writing, and praying again.  I have continued to go to the weekly recovery meetings, which bring me back to some sanity, and these have been helpful in my choice to start working the steps again. 

In addition to this, my wife and I have continued to read the scriptures every night together, praying before and after our reading session.  When I started working on the third step my wife started asking in our morning and evening prayers that God would help me to overcome my addiction.  I then started asking the same thing.  She prays on the even days and I on the odd days.

This morning I finished writing in the recovery workbook on step three.  I feel that I'm almost there.  But I feel that only when I choose to be sober will I be able to move on to step four.  I have not had more than a week of abstinence in the 6 months I have been going to the recovery group.

Feedback would be welcome.

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Hi John! Glad to see that you are attending a recovery group and going through the twelve steps.

First off, I'm amazed that you and your wife pray together and I think she will be your biggest asset to achieving recovery. Continue to be completely honest with her in your relapses and possibly your slips (if she finds it helpful to know about them). You're doing a lot of things right; figure out what's working and continue to do it.

I'll start my response by stating the typical advise I heard from ecclesiastical leaders for about 15 years. Go to church, say your prayers, ask God to help you every morning and thank him every night, read your scriptures when you are tempted, or you can try signing a hymn. We’ve all heard this advice in one form or another and truthfully, it DOES NOT WORK. I know because I’ve tried this for 15 years with no real success. I wasn’t able to go longer than 4 months of white knuckling for 18 years on this advice alone. Now, to restate, it does help but it does not work alone. There are other things which I’ve found addicts need to do. Our brain literally needs to be rewired and our pleasure centers reset.

The real change for me happened 5 months ago. I started being totally honest to my wife about relapses. She would totally freak out yelling/crying and I would end up sleeping on the couch for awhile. It really, really hurt to tell her when/if I acted out. This new accountability is a driving force when I’m tempted and I think to myself, “is it worth the pain it will cause her and the kink in my neck (sleeping on couch) and cold shoulder for the next 5 months?” Heck no!

I tell my wife every single day my sobriety status. “Honey, I haven’t acted out today.” She used to sarcastically reply back but over a month she’s keen to hear from me. Her first response was “Big whoop dude. You’ll slip soon enough.” Now it’s “Ok” or “Thanks”. I’m still working on that trust!

It’s important to not even get to that point of “porn or no porn?” There are LOTS of small decisions and fantasy that lead up to that decisive moment. The cycle of addiction starts with preoccupation. We are thinking about something over and over again. Then comes rituals. Turning on the computer, going to a viral site with “innocent” videos is something I do to ease into porn. It could be closing the bedroom door, checking to see if anyone is home, turning our computer monitor, etc. Then comes acting out. We look at porn and/or masturbate. Finally comes shame. We feel like garbage and the only cure (we think) for this shame is to go through this cycle as fast as possible and act out again. I always start with soft-core stuff and move to heavier stuff when I’m on a binge because it’s easier to rationalize soft-core porn to my feeble conscious.

The lesson here is do not allow your self to become in that state of preoccupation. Triggers knocking at preoccupation’s door but you cannot open that door. You can’t stop triggers (tired, hungry, lonely, emotional, sad, happy, whatever makes you want to act out) but you can stop preoccupation. When I’m tired and I start to become complacent, I try to get present with what I’m doing and think about my list of triggers (you have to list them to have a list). I qualify my emotions and feelings and analyze if I’m near that preoccupation arena.

Another helpful thing… 100% of the time I act out it’s finally because I’m on the Internet. Personally I don’t masturbate unless I’m looking at porn these days. To look at internet porn, I have to be on the internet. So, I moved my computer from the bedroom downstairs to a public place. The screen is facing an open area. I tell my wife before I get on the internet. I talk myself through a checklist “I have to check email, pay a bill, look up a product, then I’m off!” If that plan needs to change b/c I forgot something, I carry through plan A and get off, then rethink “I forgot to do X, Y, Z” so then in like 5 minutes I’ll get back online and carry out plan B as fast as possible and get off. I DO NOT SURF. I have an internet filter (www.besecure.com) and my wife is my accountability partner. This way if I search for something alluring, she’ll see it. If I try to look at something alluring, the filter won’t let me and my wife will get an email. Is this a huge pain? YES. But I’m an addict so I live with it. Also, I have a job where I’m on the internet all day. I can’t have a filter on my work computer. I also have my own office. So, I keep my door open always, I have my screen facing the hall, I work and when I’m bored I go for a walk (DON’T SURF!), and everyday around noon I call my wife and tell her I love her and see what’s up with her life.

There’s really a TON I could say. The last thing has really worked for me in times of distress... book-ending. I book-end with accountability partners from A.R.P., LifeSTAR, Church, or family/friends. I call them and talk about what I’m feeling. I figure out why I want to act out. Am I tired, lonely, stressed, happy, etc? I then tell them I will follow up in X amount of time. Just telling someone that I want to act out and why relieves 110% of the desire to act out. It’s completely amazing. If no one answers I leave a voicemail and that works too. I once book-ended with the Lord at 2 am while lying in bed, although I don’t recommend doing that because the Lord won’t give you immediate feedback.