#boo blabs

or Yuna comes home from grocery shopping and five year old Shane is climbing onto the counter to grab different groceries and putting them away.

Shane using the kitchen drawers as steps, standing on counters to reach the upper cabinets. he was always careful with whatever loot he had grabbed, but when it came to his body he would throw himself to the floor and stand back up with no comment.

Meanwhile, CACW's chair scene is the act of waking a monster, an ancient automaton, a loyal, unquestioning servant of superhuman power. He is not a human, he is not a beast, he is very likely not even considered living. He is an instrument, a weapon, a gun that must be taken out of storage, cleaned, maintained and loaded, then unloaded and carefully put away again. This handler is Vasily Karpov – a man of service, of duty, a commander aware of his inhuman actions, and staunchly in support of them for the greater good. He is not a sadist faking compassion, he is a single minded man willing to put aside his morals (if he has them) for the sake of achieving an impersonal goal. The Soldier is not his, if he punishes it is with restraint, if he commands, it is with resolution. He does not slap the Winter Soldier, because if your shot misses, it is your fault, not your gun's, and the Winter Soldier is a means to an end.

Unfortunately, your king, besides being a royal sage, is something of a romantic, and the elders do not seem to notice this rather obvious connection. Well, no matter! – the women are practical, and they know the real world! You are, therefore, summoned to their quarters. Queen Sunaina gently explains to you the gentle predisposition of the princes of Ayodhya (well, some of them), and equally gently asks you to direct the attentions of the princesses to their many manly charms. Surely, this is beneficial for both of you – as you are already close to the princesses, it would not be unseemly for you to try and gossip, and perhaps sway the affections of the girls. This way, not only would you receive a hefty promotion and have a royal sponsor for your dowry, the king, softened by the girls' affections, would be convinced to wed them. Sunaina and Chandrabhaga care little for political alliances, but their sons-in-law should be honourable men and protective of their girls.

Now your job is to convince your innocent, quiet, shy princesses of the compatibility and marriageable nature of Ayodhya's gremlin princes. This is extremely hard because

a) Rama, the best one, has already been snapped up by Sita

b) with Rama about to wed, Bharat is left holding the metaphorical leash around Lakshmana and Shatrughana's necks, and unused to the double dhamaka, the ever patient prince has become curt and withdrawn.

"The prince Bharat has such lovely manners!" you croon. Bharat turns to the manservant offering him water and offers a deadpan "thanks" while wrangling one of his brothers by the scruff. It is not the charming picture you hoped it would be.

c) Lakshmana yells. A lot.

"He is all silly bluster!" you insist. Urmila raises an eyebrow at you as Lakshmana tries to fistfight another king for insinuating that Janaka rigged the swayamvar.

You grasp at straws. "He's already so protective of his sister-in-law! Imagine how safe his wife would be."

"No thanks," Urmila scoffs. You despair.

d) the youngest prince is so... pampered.

"Bhaiyyaaaaaa," he whines, "I don't want to sleep."

"Then what do you want? To stay awake and stand guard in a protected palace?" Bharat scolds him.

"Drown yourself," Lakshmana scowls.

"Shatrughan, would you like a lullaby?" Rama asks.

"Yess!!!" says the youngest Raghu prince.

Shrutakeerti listens to this account from a manservant and looks at you cautiously.

"This is a secondhand account," you plead, all but begging, "and not trustworthy! Mithila can hardly bear to wish her daughters away so soon."

Silence.

"I'm so sorry, but I don't want to be his mother," Shrutakeerti says at last, sounding well and truly apologetic, and this is such a logical conclusion you cannot even argue.

Well then. Your princesses are the noblest princesses in the world, like stars in the darkness of Aryavarta, and they deserve the very best. And if that means you will have to straighten up these good-for-nothing princes, then you will.

The promise of Sunaina's reward is a nice bit of extra motivation.

To start, you categorise them into difficulty levels:

▪︎ Level 1: Rama

Easiest level. Man has his shit together. Has already won the swayamvar and Sita's heart. Has brought you the opportunity of a reward because no way you'd be matchmaking the rest if he was not Sita's fiance. Favourite prince. Best boy. You'd hug him if you could. Raam naam satya hai ✊🏽

▪︎ Level 2: Bharat

Easiest among the unengaged brothers. Medium level difficulty. Already soft-spoken and well-mannered. Does not cause trouble unnecessarily. You're pretty sure he's a romantic at heart. Now, if only you can separate him from his inherited duty of parentified elder sibling for even half a minute and knock into his neither unimaginative nor thick head the idea of courting Mandavi, who is tall and graceful and not at all as much of a gremlin as his little brothers (and no, you're not biased), and win over Mandavi's heart... it will all work out!!

▪︎ Level 3: Lakshmana

This one is... harder. Scratch that, this is THE hard level. He's a fine young man, very handsome, good and honourable, but... the temper. Urmila, of course, is so sweet, and so rarely gets angry (and no, again, you are not partial, you are not blind to the follies of your own, shut up, haters), but putting them within 5 feet of each other might trigger the end of the world, so you are... a little cautious. If only you can get Lakshmana away from the hordes of rude suitors, and from his terror of a twin, maybe he would be calmer. Perhaps a well-timed conversation with Urmila in a sufficiently concealed nook (in public, naturally) with sparse population will be enough to shake his desire for lifelong celibacy. If not, well, maybe you can speak to some convenient people until word reaches Rama's ears, and certainly, a man as responsible as him would not deprive his younger brother of the joys of marital life for the sake of his service. It's going to be FINE!

▪︎ Level 4: Shatrughan

Okay, this should be called the nightmare level. That boy needed to man up! Fortunately, you are extremely resourceful. What better way to man up a boy than put him to work? You would thus charge him with coordinating with Mithila for the wedding preparations! Some responsibility will do him good, his brother Rama agrees, so you set forth. And persevere. And persevere. And persevere. Even when he wants to get the very dark and very expensive purple cloth for the pavillions. A spoiled prince such as him probably never had to count money. You persevere even when he insists on filling half the menu with desserts; of course a child such as him has a sweet tooth. You persevere, even when he tries to cancel the orange marigold arrangements for yellow ones; his brother likes yellow and consideration of other people's likes and dislikes is an entirely desirable quality in a man. But then he throws a tantrum about the timing of the rituals and tries to have it shifted so his brother wouldn't have to wake up at dawn and you people of Mithila are honest, god-honouring, ritual-keeping people and if an upstart prince from Kosala thinks that he can—

Suitor dead, system restart needed to continue.

Anyway, threats!!!

⊙ Level 1: King Janaka

Hates the meddling, thinks his daughters should think and decide for themselves.

Does not desire external influence.

Has legitimate concerns about the sanity of the combined party of Kosala-Mithila bride/groomzillas.

Has not recovered from the heart attack Parashuram's arrival gave him.

Will probably cry if he has to send off his other daughters.

Unfortunately, the only person who can sniff out your involvement and order you to stop.

⊙ Level 2: Queen Kaikeyi

Has somehow already sniffed out your involvement.

Is already pissed about not being able to see Rama's marriage, will blow her top if she loses the chance to see others' too.

Will probably also blow her top if four separate celebrations somehow get combined into one. You grudgingly agree with the sentiment.

Has the express power to put a stop to at least one marriage (her son's), quite possibly more.

Happens to be the only person apart from Dasaratha and Kousalya that Rama will obey without question. If you cost Mithila Sita's marriage with Rama, it will probably be jailtime instead of rewards.

⊙ Level 3: That one nosy king from Pragjyotisha

He is looking at princess Mandavi?????

Princess Mandavi is looking at him?????

"He's better-looking than in his portrait," Princess Mandavi says.

"He's not a bad conversationalist," Princess Mandavi says.

"Hmm, maybe an alliance with Pragjyotisha won't be so bad," King Khushadhwaja says.

Bharat does not even notice.

⊙ Level 4: The prince of Vanga

He is serenading Princess Shrutakeerti???

He is SERENADING Princess Shrutakeerti!!!!!

He is READING HER POEMS!!!!!!!

She is SMILING!!!!!!!

Princess Shrutakeerti is SMILING at the FUGLY Prince of Vanga and Prince Shatrughan is INCORRIGIBLE and your reward is walking away WHAT THE FU–

⊙ Level 5: King Dasaratha's minister

Keeps trying to convince him that each prince must bring in a new matrimonial alliance.

Refers to King Dasaratha's blissful marriage with Queen Kaikeyi to insist that love blooms in the unlikeliest of unions.

Thinks one of the princes should ally with a princess of Lanka.

Says Mithila had until recently a slow economy???? YOU HAD DROUGHTS?????

Says second daughters don't bring in much??????

SAYS PRINCESS URMILA IS HARDLY THE CATCH HER SISTER IS! THE JERKFACE, YOU ARE GOING TO–

Character dead, system restart needed to continue.

⊙ Level 6: THAT SHREW OF A WOMAN STROKING PRINCE LAKSHMANA'S ARM AND LAUGHING WITH HIM, THAT @$#%€₩, CELIBATE YOUR FOOT—

(This is Shanta. Her husband and son haven't yet arrived.)

Allies:

Sunaina: Employed you.

Chandrabhaga: Same as above.

Sumitra: Unavailable but there in spirit. Will probably accept a frog for a daughter-in-law as long as that marriage happens.

Vasishtha: Knows the boys since childhood. Same as above.

Rama and Sita: Too busy staring lovingly and longingly at each other across flower gardens but would agree if they could.

Some notes:

You will win even if you don't want to, and so it is fortunate that you want to win.

If you lose somehow, Hanuman will show up at your place to smack you sing you the Ramayana.

You can marry the single extras with the dowry sponsored by Mithila's royal family.

You cannot kill anyone, no not even Ravana, sorry.

Everytime one of the Raghu princes miss, clown music will play.

Everytime one of the princesses miss, clown music will play.

Everytime one of the elders miss, clown music will play.

Lots of clown music, actually.

But it would have prevented the war!!!

...he didn't know that?? Mahabharata at it's core is a tale of politics and Dhritarashtra already knows Pandu has a kid. He is even, at this point, willing to acknowledge Yudhisthira as heir. Is he supposed to trust Vidura?? And even if he could tell, so what. So what?? He should abandon his son?? Are you serious???

But again, the intersection of Venn Diagrams of people who think Dhritarashtra should have abandoned Duryodhana and people who think Kunti should not have abandoned Karna is an almost circle and the lack of understanding about either of the two situations is just...

Manthara had a pet cat. This cat disliked Rama. Thus Manthara plotted to have Rama disowned.

Kaikeyi had a pet cat. It loved Rama. When it died she lost it and went along with Manthara's plot to have Rama disowned.

Sita wanted a pet cat. She said as much to Rama. Rama went to get her one, but it escaped his affectionate arms and ate a plastic cap and bit ten members of the royal family.

And then, you have the Mahabharata. Where Krishna, then a young boy, protects an entire settlement from Indra's rage. Which... you know what, fine, he too is a god.

But then, Arjuna defeats Indra, who is his father. Arjuna, who presumably upset the audience a few moments ago after he just burned a whole forest with everyone (including children) in it to supposedly satisfy Agni.

Then, Indra shows up to Karna's doorstep begging for his armour, and Karna who had previously angered the audience by calling Draupadi a harlot gets to demand things from the king of the gods.

See the pattern?

Also they have that absolute disaster of a ceremony and their city is called Indraprashtha.

So one day, as usual, he finds a pretty lady and kidnaps her, and pretty lady's warrior hubby comes over to wage war, and your valiant crown prince knocks the offending human down a few pegs with one strike to his brother – fairly standard fare, even if your kingdom nearly burnt down once or twice. Whatever. Your job is to brew medicine.

And THEN, a goddamed creature lifts your whole goddamned house, and takes you over to that TRAITOR ™️ Vibhishan, who asks you to heal the goddamned enemy. What the hell.

Well, you are a loyal, upright man, not a chameleon that wears a different colour everyday. You say as much to Vibhishan's stricken face, because honestly? To hell with that guy.

And then, the most beautiful man you have ever seen shows up clutching the angriest unconscious man you've ever seen, and opens his beautiful mouth to give you a heartfelt speech about medical ethics that is so long you agree to treat his brother as long as he would just STOP. All this philosophical mush is giving you hives.

Ugh. Whatever.

Anyway weirdo flying thingy brings back an entire mountain, somehow meeting beautiful man's – who you learn is Rama – brother and subduing the goddamned sun along the way, because why not. You're dreaming, because things this night stopped making sense a long time ago and you're too old and grey-haired to be worrying.

Whatever.

They return you to Lanka and that's all that matters.

Then Ravana throws you into the dungeons for betraying him, but he soon dies and Vibhishan is crowned king, so now you are extracted from your cell and stuck serving that TRAITOR ™️ because apparently he's your king now.

Well, at least you will have many exciting stories to tell your grandchildren.