#boin

He started to question his own intentions, actions.

Had he really tried his best to lure and catch fish? Why did he still agree to sneaking late night snacks with Luffy and Chopper, all those times before? Why did he bother when he hardly ate their pilfered food anyway?

And on and on and on.

Usopp had a feeling the others would try to say it wasn't cut and dry. That there was no easy blame to give, and no point in trying to find it. That maybe he should go easier on himself- or harsher, depending on who he asked. But even trusted voices like these- ones that were so much stronger now than during his time away- were no match for this particular failure. And yet, even though he'd admitted it to himself- that yes, it was a failure and definitely up there as one of his worst- it didn't mean he knew what to do about it.

The brave thing would be to fess up and figure things out with the crew, with Chopper. The cowardly thing- what he actually did- was fall back on old habits, lying and pretending and hoping they didn't see how he was dragging them down, literally killing them the longer he was there.

Workable solutions were hard to come up with, but he did his best to fix things without admitting anything in the meantime. Like making excuses for fishing duty, refusing late night poking in the fridge, that kind of thing. It wasn't exactly hard or suspicious thanks to their current dilemma. Usopp had been trying to fish for most of the days leading up to his excuses, asking for a break didn't seem so unreasonable. And they were already low on food so of course he'd avoid sneaking any more.

He never did come up with something workable, but still they survived until they docked again, ready to restock.

And they restock they did.

Sanji was antsy for a long while about the food getting low- and for some time before his announcement too- and Nami didn't want a repeat either, so she gave him extra shopping money. A good chunk of the purchases were things that would last ages and could be packed in the back of the pantry. Now, Sanji hummed a happy tune, a pep in his step as he put things away.

They'd all noticed how stressed Sanji was when the food started dwindling and the fish weren't biting. Usopp had heard him once, in the galley, tearing up paper and grumbling to himself. Muttering things about how he wasn't on some rock anymore, wasn't a little kid anymore, and he needed to keep it together. How the crew needed him to keep it together.

So Usopp should've been happy, seeing Sanji like that. Seeing him too preoccupied with his task to tone down his smile or the chipper in his voice. To notice he'd forgotten to fix his mussed up hair from countless nights of pulling and tugging at it. To drop the aloof, cool guy persona for a single moment in time, piecing himself back together bit by bit with every ingredient he put away.

Usopp should've been happy.

Instead, he was afraid.

Because with every piece Sanji built himself with, a piece was torn from Usopp's own body in turn, bloody and screaming.

Usopp wasn't afraid of Sanji. Wasn't afraid for him either.

He was afraid of the abundance.

The last time they'd stocked up this much, they were headed to Fishman Island and threw a reunion feast as soon as they could. He was overwhelmed with the euphoria and sense of rightness that filled him up, seeing his friends again. He didn't have the space to spare even the slightest thought to what hid behind the galley door.

And every meal since, Usopp had found comfort in watching Luffy scarf down most of the table himself. Almost like he was eating the danger away. And seeing Luffy do it, well, it helped Usopp finish his own plate. It felt odd- like he was using his captain as a poison tester- but knowing, logically, there was no danger to speak of, it didn't bother him. A rarity, considering the way his mind seemed to constantly twist in on itself.

But while Sanji put away the last of the groceries and Luffy asked for an early lunch, requesting something with meat- while the rest of the crew was lounging on deck, chiming in with their own requests- Usopp could only feel a growing indescribable dread. One framed by vines, ramen rivers, and cake flowers.

The others cheered, startling him. Lunch would be done soon and everyone was headed for the galley.

"Aren't you coming?"

Sandalled feet were in front of him.

The dread surged.

He needed to finish his drawing, he said.

He was making good progress, he pleaded.

He just needed a little more time, he begged.

"Oh."

There was a moment of silence. It dragged on long enough Usopp was sure he would drown under the mounting feeling suffocating his-

"You should eat when you're hungry."

A sharp inhale through a long nose. A pair of large, wobbling lips.

A moment's pause. Then the hat shading his eyes was replaced with another. Tattered, worn, and straw.

There was not another word before those sandals were slapping their way into the galley, the heavy door following behind.

It closed with a thorny snap.

Usopp's sketch pad was pressed to his chest. He scrambled to pull at frayed edges, trying desperately to block the blinding sun with his mangled grip.

His sketch pad fell to his lap.

The page was blank.