#boilerstrong

On Tuesday, I had one class. I went there, picked up a book from Geoff, my boyfriend, (I had left it at his house while watching football over the weekend) and was walking home when I heard sirens. Here, they test the tornado alarms on the first Saturday morning of the month and it was a bright, snowy, bloody cold day so I knew it wasn’t an actual storm alarm. Unsure, I walked the last two blocks or so to my apartment and that’s when I saw my phone: ‘Shooting reported on campus. Bldg Electrical Engineering; Avoid area; Shelter in place. Check www.purdue.edu for updates.’ At first, I had no idea what to think - a shooting? Here? Suddenly it all sunk in, and one of my first realizations was that Geoff was in Elliott and while it wasn’t like he was in EE, Elliott is a lot closer to EE than was ok for my overactive imagination. I sat at my computer for the afternoon - partially because I was now too scared to run the errands I needed to run but also so I could post to facebook and respond to emails from family and friends asking if I was ok. I had to grab my Eeyore at one point so that I wasn’t sitting my myself - I think I was very near a nervous breakdown. I was texting with friends to see that they were ok, including Geoff, but the uncertainty was terrible - at this point, we didn’t know if it was one gunman or multiple, an isolated incident or someone bent on killing lots of people, where he was, anything like that. I was seriously freaking out, my mind going crazy with all kinds of scenarios that could happen. And as hard as it was for me to be sitting by myself in my off campus apartment and dealing with this, I can’t even imagine what it must have been like to be in that classroom, or even next door. The rest of classes on Tuesday and all classes yesterday were cancelled, and I got to spend most of that time with Geoff - which was the best thing for me, to see that he’s still alive and safe. However even still, though I wasn’t directly involved with the events of the day, I’m feeling the adverse effects of that stressful time and am not quite ok yet.

That being said, today there was a women’s basketball game and I’m in GABS - the pep band for the women’s basketball team - so this afternoon I got to relax and play my tuba and not think about everything but the music I was helping to make. It was precisely what I needed today, and I’m thankful for music and the various powers and properties it has. Never underestimate how effective something as simple as playing a few fight songs can be.

So yeah, a long post but I’ve had an eventful week (and it’s not even over). And sorry about the extremely self-centered story - this whole ordeal is so much larger than just me but, like I said, I’m still not ok and wanted to get this out there.

Fairest In All The Land - Our Own Purdue.

I couldn't believe this was happening at a place I called home for 3.5 years and a place I always felt safe at.  Luckily, since I was sick, I was able to contact all my friends and learn they were safe.  

One of my friends was in the building that it happened in and my cousin was in lock down in the building next door.  I am grateful they are ok.

My prayers go out to Andrew and his family and friends, and it still sickens me to think about this happening.  While light will hopefully be shed on the reason, it will not quickly ease the pain.  The support that the Purdue community has shown in this tragedy is amazing.

There was a shooting at my school today. I was in class in Heavilon and someone who had checked their phone reported that there had been a shooting in Electrical Engineering. We were taken down to the basement and had to sit until 1:20. 

I got a few texts and returned them. A lot of "are you ok?!" and a lot of "I'm fine". 

We were released to class, I got a few more texts. We finished class and I went and sat with James in the QRC until work started. I felt a little unsettled but I didn't feel right being sad. 

I had friends inside EE. Someone was killed today. They were a senior. They were going to go to graduate school.

I sent a lot more texts at work and after work. 

My parents finally heard (bc it bcme international news). 

I became increasingly unsettled.

We went to dinner and I didn't think about it.

We had a floor meeting and I felt a little better. And then I felt obligated to go to the candle light vigil. James went with me.

There were so many people. I didn't feeling anything. I felt sad bc I felt like I was supposed to. It was fascinated when I watched the glee club and their breath rise in unison. 

We were leaving and I saw Patrick and he wrapped his arms around me. He leaned his head against mine "how are you, you doing ok?" I said I was fine. I was cold. It was 3 degrees outside. I asked him where he was--it's not easy to just say "I'm fine" when you're standing in front of someone--he was at the co-rec. He asked me, I was at HEAV, he hugged me again. I made sure to introduce him to James. He went to call his parents. 

I just kept thinking about how many texts the TA got (the one that died). How many people texted him and never got an answer?  When did they know? How were they told? 

And none of it affected me at all.

I remember not feeling anything in that basement. I remember feeling unjustifiably calm as someone stood beside me, freaking out that their boyfriend was in EE. I felt terrible that I didn't know what to say. I remember being ready to die--I woke up ready to die. And I wondered about those texts that would never have been returned.