#bodythoughts

1. if only you knew what I sacrificed to get here. how I grabbed onto bleeding heart after bleeding heart just to say I didn’t arrive alone. how I made habit of starving my body at any given moment just so it could fit, anywhere. how I swallowed all of my memories so others couldn’t tell I was once abandoned. how I surrendered all of my dreams of him so that one of us could say we made it, alive. you’d drum all of your questions, fold all of your doubt. you’d burry your knees into the cloth and you’d just thank god that I made it.

2. you disappear one summer and I spend my entire life running after you. I hold onto you in any way that I can. I close my eyes and stain myself with your every photograph. I memorize your laughter. anyone that shares your name, I worship them. I pray in every language I know to never ever forget you. I realize I am incapable of letting go. maybe this is where the loss started. or how the worry grew. I am afraid that if I remember you wrong, even for one moment, I will lose you forever.

3. I try to erase the last six summers, the last six names, the last six months. but I arrive right back to where we left off. except the only thing that has changed is  I am more in love with you, and you are more in love with someone else.

slowly, i just stop speaking your name. camaria asks what happened to you and i quickly change the subject. i tell her, “i think it’s easier if i just stop believing in love for once.” she pauses, long. on the other end of the phone i hear her suck her teeth. she says, “so, you haven’t seen him since he got back with her? didn’t you all have dinner?” i sit on the sofa, holding the pillow that carries your scent from last night. my shirt still smells of acqua di gio because i refuse to remove you. i forgave you that night, for almost everything. i thought about her every time your phone buzzed. wondered if she was looking for you. or reminding you to come home. mainly, hoping she would forgive me. “hello?” she says. i take the phone off speaker. “i cancelled that dinner. but you know, i’ve been thinking. i think i want a new couch.”

***

some days, i don't know what i’m supposed to do with other men. i often pray for god to bring them. i also pray for him to take them away. 

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• i don’t think i tell you, or anyone else for that matter.

• i think i hide the truth from myself. afraid that if i think more about you, my heart will tell me you are it. and a woman that listens to her own heart? what do we call that kind of lonesome?

• t, i can’t count the amount of times i questioned if i was in love – with you, with us, with you. or the amount of times i told my friends ‘i swear to god if i ever speak to him again..’ and you end up right back. and i miss you, the sleep on my side of the bed, my side of the love.

• and my friend tries to help, sends me scriptures, curses your name, sends the prayers. and still i don’t stop.

• some nights it feels like surviving and others death. but most nights, it feels like darkness. and how do you explain why light can’t peak into a room that is powered by someone else? who takes you serious if you tell them your happiness is living in another body? who understands when you say that?

• point me to a person that understands and i will show you the midnight.

• i call you, well, because. you are missed and i have been drinking and what else am i supposed to do with my hands and who is here to stop me?

•want to start my social media accounts over again (mainly a twitter and instagram). i get completely overwhelmed by social media most times. because…authenticity shelves itself and everything repeats now. but i want to document again, in peace/pieces.

•want to remember my exchanges more (by text posts on tumblr. yes i say this all the time to myself in my head but maybe ill make room this time).