#body thoughts

Billy Hargrove was still learning how to be a good boyfriend. You appreciated all of his efforts to become a better person in general, but he definitely still had a ways to go. He loved you dearly, but he couldn’t always understand your insecurities. He wanted so badly to understand, but he would often become frustrated and not know what to say when you let your insecurities get the best of you. He saw you as one of the most beautiful people in the world and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t understand why you saw yourself as anything less. He would make a ‘tsk’ sound with his tongue and sigh when you would bring up anything about your weight insecurity. It’s not that he didn’t care, it’s that he could not, for the life of him, figure out why you were so sensitive about your weight. You knew the reason though, but you were afraid to tell him. 

You were Y/n Wheeler. You were born a year after your older sister Nancy, which also made you one year younger than Billy. Your sister had a few classes with Billy before you all got out for the summer and she did her best to treat him with kindness. She didn’t understand what you saw in him, but she respected your choices. Billy also did his best to be nice to her and (much more reluctantly) Steve and Jonathan. You loved your sister with your whole heart. You two had always been close. You taught Mike how to be a Dungeon Master and you were like the older sister of the whole party at this point. You were not super popular in school, but you had a good group of friends + Billy to keep you company. The only person in your life who you felt like was against you was your mother, Karen Wheeler.

You knew that she was the reason, deep down, for your insecurities about your appearance. Of course, over the years at school people had made comments about your weight, but between Nancy, Steve, and Billy, people your age had pretty much stopped bullying you entirely. None of them, of course, could stop your mother. Billy and Steve had no idea what your mother had been saying to you. Nancy knew, you two had grown up together, but she didn’t know how to stop your mother. She tried to step in, but your mother was never receptive to what she had to say. You appreciated the effort, but your mother’s words were getting to the point that you were starting to really question if you were good enough for Billy.

You would bring up the ladder to your boyfriend and he would just roll his eyes. “If you weren’t good enough for me, Sweetheart, I wouldn’t be dating you, simple. I think you’re the most perfect person in the world, so we’re dating. Don’t overthink it, just run away with me when we graduate, yeah? We’ll get married at a courthouse and buy a little place in California, somewhere on the water. We can bring whoever else wants to come, if it’ll make you happy.”

You would toss him a small smile and do your best to hide the tears that were welling up in your eyes. You would softly plunge your face into his chest when you realized you weren’t going to be able to stop yourself from crying. He would let out a deep sigh and close his eyes in frustration. Even so, he would still hug you back tightly and let you cry it out. His head would be resting on top of yours and his arms would keep you locked in place until he could feel your heart rate calm down. He knew that he had to be missing something. This insecurity ran deep. You had helped in through so many of the insecurities that Neil had caused him. He wondered why you weren’t comfortable enough to tell him who was causing you all this distress. He knew it was still happening, so he suspected someone in your family, but he couldn’t place who. The bullies of your past, Tommy and Jason, left you completely alone now, hell, they wouldn’t even look in your direction. He doubted your sister or little brother were causing you this much anguish, but he couldn’t decipher which of your parents would be saying hurtful things about your appearance to you. 

He eventually would pull away from the hug and rest one of his hands on your cheek. “If someone is being mean to you, you’d tell me right?”

You nodded. Your face was flushed and your eyes just looked so heavy. He could feel the defeat in your body and it absolutely broke his heart. “Yeah.”

He stepped back again and sat down on your bed. He would gesture for you to sit on his lap and you would always hesitate. He would gesture again, “You’re not gonna break me, Doll.”

  You would give in and straddle his waist, balancing yourself by wrapping your arms around his shoulders and putting your knees firmly on the bed. “I just get nervous that I’m gonna crush you.”

He chuckled. He knows that you’re serious, but he does his best to lighten the weight in your heart. “Sweetheart, I love every part of you. From your lips, to your stomach, to your hands, to your gorgeous, gorgeous thighs.” The palms of his hands were flat against your bear skin. Your shorts rode up when you sat down, leaving your thighs defenseless to his touch. He ran his hands up and down your skin. You leaned your forehead against his to keep yourself steady. 

“Billy…” You mumbled. It basically just fell out of your mouth. 

You were so close, that you could see the mix of lust, love, and adoration in his eyes. One of his hands stayed on your thigh, the other cupped your face. Your breath hitched. He sucked in a breath and you could basically see his eyes rolling into the back of his head. “You are literally a god(dess). My god(dess).”

He pulled your lips to his and your thoughts started to fuzzy. Your hands started to pull at the hair at the base of his neck. “I love you, Billy.” It was a whisper between kisses.

He smiled into your kiss, though you could tell he was doing his best to hold back a groan. “I love you too, Y/n. You are my home.”

| < ♥️ > |

Billy did everything he could to give you the world and raise your confidence, but something your mom did/said would always ruin it. She would bring you back from the high that Billy gave you and make you feel like you were a little kid again. A little kid who had no say in anything again. She counted her calories the best she could for every meal, and she taught Nancy and you to do the same thing. She never tried to teach Mike; he was a boy and got to eat almost anything he wanted to ‘grow big and strong.’ You and Nancy were forced to follow your mother’s ways in your pre-teen and early teen years. Nancy was doing her best to get away from it, as were. You just had a different genetic makeup, and different medications, and your body just had a different shape than your sister and mother. Nancy never made you feel bad about that. She would offer to do your makeup and would go clothes shopping with you if you needed moral support. She had even gotten Steve and/or Jonathan to join in on it a few times. The first time she started to see good in Billy is when you dragged him shopping with you two. He treated you like royalty the entire time and Nancy was happy that you had a partner who lifted you up; since you still had a mom that carried you down. 

Since you started dating Billy, you were getting more confident. It was the little things– wearing one of his shirts to school as a tight crop top with a jacket over it, wearing colors of eye shadow your mother said brought out the roundness of your face, and letting yourself enjoy lunch periods again. Billy had his hand pressed against the small of your back, skin completely exposed by his shirt and his eyes, again full of love and lust at how beautiful he thought you looked. However, not even he could get you to wear a swimsuit. You two hadn’t seen each other stripped that far down yet because you weren’t there yet, and he respected that entirely. He had one problem though; you refused to come to visit him at the pool for longer than a few minutes. Your family was at the Hawkins pool all the time this summer. He saw your little brother and your mother all the time there. Your sister even was there with some of your other friends sometimes. Billy asked Nancy why you didn’t come, in a joking manner, of course. He thought you were just coming in your own car or something. Nancy’s response made him more annoyed and confused though. “They’re not coming. They don’t do pools.”

Every time you stopped by the pool, you were fully clothed and sat with Billy in the office while he was on his lunch breaks. He was completely respectful of the fact that you weren’t ready to have sex, but he was dying to spend more time with you this summer. He was missing you terribly now that he had this job. If you brought all the little shitheads to the pool a few times a week he would be able to spend more time with you; plus he thought you would look so cute in a swimsuit; hair slicked back while playing Marco polo with the party. He wanted to see it so badly, but every time he asked about you bringing the party to the pool for the day, you would just shake your head and change the subject. 

One day, when Nancy was there with Jonathan and a few other friends, Billy approached them when it was his turn to head out onto the pool deck. Heather eyed him curiously as she made her way inside, but she didn’t say anything. “Wheeler,” he called. 

Nancy quirked her eyebrow at the young lifeguard. Jonathan scooted a little closer to her on their shared beach chair, which didn’t go unnoticed by Billy. Though, he chose to ignore the older Byers brother, whatever he was thinking wasn’t of importance to Billy right now. “What can I do for you, Hargrove?”

“I think you know,” he said with a slick smile. Though it soon faded when Nancy shook her head. 

“She’s not gonna come here Billy, not in a suit. Probably not even with a T-shirt over one.”

Billy grumbled and swayed a bit. “Do you know why? I thought their confidence was getting better. I want them to be able to enjoy the one summer activity this shitty town has to offer– plus I’m missing them like hell right now.”

Nancy smiled at him and Jonathan watched the interaction with a puzzled expression. “I will try to convince them to come. Are you working tomorrow?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I’m on all afternoon.”

“I can’t guarantee that they will bend, but I will try. I’m in charge of giving the party something to do tomorrow and I told them we were going to come here. They haven’t come much this summer because they’re all kinda nerdy and the indoorsy types. Us older siblings are trying to get them all to go out more,” she said, briefly turning her attention to Jonathan.

“I appreciate it Nanc, really. And like, I don’t want them to feel super pressured. I would just like if they stay for a while, even if they decide they aren’t ready to swim, just be here while I’m trapped here.”

Nancy’s smile grew wider. “I never expected you to be so good for them, Billy, but I am really glad that you are. You help them more than you realize, I think.”

Billy felt his heart soften. “I know that people in this day and age can be really shitty to each other about their looks. I see Y/n for who they are on the inside; a fucking angel really and they have the looks to match. I’ve never been able to figure out who the fuck made them feel so shit for their weight, but if I figure it out, I will kick their ass.” 

Nancy could see his jaw lock. He was staring toward the ground as he spoke. She knew it was a lot for him to be genuine with someone other than you. “You really are doing so much more for them than you realize, I’ll talk to them about it tonight.”

“Thank you, Wheeler. Have a good day here at the pool.” He gave Jonathan a bit of a stare down. He didn’t know what it was, but there was something that Billy didn’t like about Jonathan. He did his best to be nice to him for your sake though. “You too, Byers.” 

| < ♥️ > |

Nancy was nervous to talk to you, but she thought you might come if she expressed to you what Billy had said. She knew that you sometimes wondered, out of insecurity– not out of reason, if you were good enough for Billy. She knew that you questioned if you were worth Billy Hargrove’s time. She also knew though, that Billy was completely in love with you and she just had to figure out how to make you see that for certain. She knocked on your door after she arrived home from the pool and changed into some dry clothes. “Come in– oh hey Nanc! How was your day?”

She tossed you a smile, but you could sense her nerves as she shut the door. You shut the book you were reading and pulled off your headphones. You had been listening to a mixtape in your walkman and vibing by yourself for the evening. There were way fewer family dinners during the summertime because everyone’s schedules were so different and you both were honestly thankful for that. “I had a great day. You know everything has been so stressful and all; it was nice to just go to the pool and relax. In fact, I’m taking all the kids tomorrow for a pool day. You should join us.” You went to say something, but she put her hand up. “Wait wait wait, before you say no. I wanna tell you what Billy said today when Jonathan and I were out there.”

“Alright?”

“Have you ever told him about mom?”

“About mom?” you asked.

Nancy gave you that look. “You know what I’m talking about.” She sat at the edge of your bed. She was staring at you. It felt like she was trying to stare through your soul. 

“The things she says about my body? About food? About my clothes? No, I haven’t. It’s not that I won’t tell him or anything, it’s just that I’m nervous too. He’s receptive to me being insecure about things, but I think it annoys him or makes him anxious when I talk about it too much. Like he sees me a certain way and can’t see why I don’t see myself that way. I know it’s partly because I haven’t told him about mom, but I also just think he wants the change in mindset to happen quicker than I am capable of.”

“He doesn’t want to push you, Y/n, trust me. Neither do I. You don’t have to talk to him about any of that if you aren’t ready. I just–”

“Then what is this about?” Your tone was a little snappy, but Nancy ignored it. She knew it was because you were getting anxious.

“Billy is totally head over heels in love with you, Y/n, just the way you are. I didn’t understand what you saw in him when you first introduced him to the family, but I really think I understand now. He’s still an asshole, but he’s learning and he thinks the world of you. I know your brain sometimes gets in the way of you seeing that, but trust me, as your sister I want what’s best for you, and Billy Hargrove, shockingly, seems to be just that.” You furrowed your eyebrows and she continued to speak. “You remember that bathing suit we bought you last fall when they were all on sale because they were going out of season?”

“Yeah, the teal one with the side cutouts?”

“Yeah, that one! You should come with me and the party to the pool tomorrow and wear it. Before you say no, I promised Billy I would ask you to come. He came up to me today and basically begged me to get you to come to the pool with us. He’s missing you a lot since he started his job. You know everything that happened with the mall; we almost lost the Byers family, we almost lost him, and Steve and Robin! He just wishes he could spend more time with you and I’m sure now that he’s pretty much back to healed his dad is making him work. I think he’s still feeling the effects of that near-death experience, you know? He said that he wished you could enjoy the pool as we do in the summer. He also said he didn’t care if you just decided to wear normal clothes and sat on the deck with me all day. He just wants to see you.”

You felt your heart swell. You weren’t going to cry at that moment, but you could totally see yourself crying later when it was time to head to bed and Nancy was gone. Billy was brash, stern, and easily annoyed, but the fact that he shared how he was feeling with Nancy told you that this meant a lot to him. He genuinely was missing you and wanted to spend a day at the pool so he could see you more. The thought was precious to you. You were incredibly nervous about going to the pool because you knew that there was a chance that your mom was going to show up at some point (as she and the other local moms often just appeared there in the later afternoons), but you pushed that feeling down deep. You did your best to shove it inside the deepest cavity of your chest and lock it in there. “Alright, Nancy. I’ll go with you and the party tomorrow. I’m not sure I’ll wear a suit, but I’ll go to the pool.”

She smiled brightly and threw her arms around you in a tight, lopsided hug. “I’m so glad you’re gonna come with us! Wear whatever you are gonna be most comfortable in, Y/n. I’m sure Billy will just be happy to see you there.”

| < ♥️ > |

You woke up the next more to your stomach being tied in a knot. You knew it was from your nerves, but shit, you didn’t expect it to be as bad as it was. You ended up staying in your room for the most part until the early afternoon so you could give yourself a chance to relax before going to the pool. Nancy didn’t bother you, and shockingly neither did your mother. Nancy only knocked on your door about 30 minutes before you were supposed to leave so she could make sure you knew it was time to get ready.

You pulled yourself from your cocoon of blankets and reached into the darkest part of your closet. You felt the bathing suit material squish in your hand and you almost grimaced. It was crumpled up for almost a year, but it looked perfectly fine when you pulled it out. It was the beautiful shade of teal that you remembered it to be. The cutouts on each side ran from under bust height down to the curve of your hips. They were broken up by bathing suit strings that crossed over the gaps. It was so cute, but you were absolutely terrified. 

You took a deep breath before putting it on. It fit you perfectly. You looked in your bathroom mirror and you were honestly surprised by how much you liked the shape on your figure. It made you feel confident in the shape of your different body parts; much like Billy, it made your parts feel like they were meant to make up the whole you. You took another deep breath before deciding to pull an oversized men’s romantics shirt over your head. Billy always seemed to like it on you. It was one of the few shirts that you felt confident in. It was missing the top part of the collar ( you had cut it out a long time ago) so it showed a little more skin than the average T-shirt, but it also was loose around your hips. It looked super cute, in your opinion, with a pair of denim shorts pulled under it. You pulled your favorite pair of shorts on to finish off your bathing suit cover-up look and you checked yourself in the mirror one more time. Your hair was resting a little wildly today, but you decided not to worry about it too much; you were going to the pool after all. The shorts were just barely peaking out from under the bottom hem of the shirt and you felt pretty good about yourself. You weren’t sure if you would have the confidence to take off this overlayer, but you knew that would be okay. You were just excited to surprise visit your boyfriend and spend some time with the collective of younger teens that you inherited from Steve while he was working at Scoops Ahoy. 

Nancy and the party were all excited when you came down the stairs. Dustin and Max seemed the most excited out of all of them though. Dustin had become a fan of you because of your amazing DMing skills, but as he got older, he’s just become such a sweetheart. When he started high school you were 100% going to have Billy help you look out for him. Asshats like Jason and Tommy would surely try to target him. 

Max and you had a special bond. She told you once, prior to the incident at the mall, that she thought of you as an older sister. You knew her and Billy had issues; you accidentally became a mediator for the siblings pretty soon into your relationship. Things had gotten a lot more stable since Billy returned home from the hospital, between your help and the discovery of monsters, he seemed pretty keen on turning his life around. Max was grateful that you were helping him become a better person. You both knew Neil wouldn’t let him receive the therapy he needed. This was the best you could do for now. 

She ran up and gave you a hug. It had been a while since you had seen her. You were both healed from your injuries at this point and you thought she looked fantastic for everything you all had been through. The whole party, even Will and El, seemed to be looking bright today. “Damn, you’re all really excited about the pool, huh?”

Some of them nodded, and some of them shrugged. “I think we’re excited to play pool games with you and Nancy like we did when we were kids.” 

Dustin’s comment made you actually kind of want to get into the pool if you were honest with yourself. “Well, we can’t play games here. Everyone pick a car; Jonathan’s or mine and we’ll get going!”

| < ♥️ > |

It was a struggle trying to get everyone into two cars, but you all managed to make it work for the short ride to Hawkins Pool. You were filling up with anxiety as everyone made their way toward either the locker rooms or the pool deck. It was getting close to time. “Well if it isn’t the love of my life.” 

Billy approached you from the locker room exit. His expression alerted you that he was excited to see you and also surprised. His eyes trailed up and down your figure before he placed his hands on your hips and leaned in for a kiss. “So Nancy was able to convince you, huh Doll?”

You wrapped your arms around his neck and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Well, it was actually what you told her yesterday that made me want to come. I miss you too Billy. I never thought I would say this, but fuck I miss school. I can’t wait until we are back and I’m with you for every second I can be.”

His face was plastered with a grin. He placed a deep kiss on your lips; it was so passionate it was almost bruising. His fingers were playing with the bathing suit strings of your suit through the fabric of your shirt. “Doll, I am so glad you are here. Just you being here makes this place a thousand times better. Why don’t you join Nancy, Byers, and the rugrats in the pool and I’ll get you out when I have my lunch break.”

You sighed and thought about it for a moment. You looked over Billy’s shoulder and saw your sister, her boyfriend, and all of the party playing toward the entrance to the pool. They were splashing each other and laughing. It was scary, but you would be in the water most of the time today anyway, you might as well hop in and have some fun since everyone you came with had gotten in. It was pretty blistering out just to sit on the sidelines. You eventually nodded to him and kissed his nose. He blinked in surprise, which he did every time you kissed his nose, and you giggled. You stepped out of his grasp and pulled the romantics' shirt over your head. When your eyes met Billy’s again, he’s flicking his tongue and shaking his head. “What?”

He set his hands on your hips again and pulled you even closer than he had before. “You are so so hot. You’re gorgeous, Doll. I mean it.” 

You pulled back enough that you could see his face. You could see it in his expression, Nancy was right; he was completely enamored with you; stretchmarks, cellulite, rolls, and all. 

You didn’t understand it. You couldn’t see past all the things your mother had picked on you for, but somehow it went right through for Billy. “When we first met, did you think the same thing?”

Billy’s face became confused. When you first met Billy, it was his first day at Hawkins High. Some of the girls in your grade were laughing at your appearance as you were walking by them in the hall. Billy heard what one of them said as he was walking in the same direction as you. You had heard them too, but you had decided to ignore them. Billy wasn’t sure why, but he was incredibly bothered by the comment. Your eyes briefly met and he could see your sadness even though you didn’t say anything. It wasn’t usually like him, at the time, to protect people he didn’t know. He kept his circle big, but everyone in his circle was at an arm’s length. “Hey!” he barked. The girls all jumped out of their skin and your head snapped to look toward him. He could feel all eyes on him. He realized, in that moment, that you were considered one of the school’s punching bags and he wanted to change that. “Leave them alone. Focus on your fuckin’ selves before you go commenting on other people’s shit.” The words were vile; they came out of his throat with the burn of venom. The girls all shrank and quickly began moving in the other direction. They were whispering about how he was a dick, but he didn’t care. He looked toward you.

Your eyes were alight with fear and wonder. He’ll never forget how you looked that day; flared blue jeans, a metallic shirt– tucked in, combat boots, and men’s flannel hung loosely around your shoulders. Your ears were pierced and you were wearing some kind of all-black necklace. He could tell you were heavier, but he thought you looked adorable nonetheless. Your weight never stopped him from thinking you were just about the cutest person he had ever seen. “Uh… thanks-”

“Billy, Billy Hargrove.” 

“Thanks, Billy Hargrove.”

“No problem, Doll. I’ll walk you to class if you’d like. I don’t really give a shit if I’m late to mine.”

You smiled a bit. His heart almost melted entirely on the spot. “That would be nice.”

“Darlin’,” he said, his tone almost scolding. His hands were on your cheeks, “Never question how I feel about you. I have had my eyes on you since that day and nothing anyone says is gonna change that. When I say I think you’re gorgeous, Doll, I really do mean it with everything I’ve got.”

You folded into his chest. Your arms squeezed him tightly around his middle. His hands found their place on the back of your head and on your lower back. He gave you a tight squeeze in return. “I love you so much, Billy. You make me feel so much better about myself and if my opinion matters at all. You are the hottest man I’ve ever seen and I feel incredibly lucky to call you my boyfriend.”

It was all said in a mumble against his chest, but he heard every word. Each one vibrated his skin slightly and honestly, it was the first time he ever felt like happy crying. He pulled air through his nose harshly and smiled down at you as he backed out of the hug. “I love you too, Sweetheart. I have to get to my post before Heather comes for my ass, but we will talk about this later.”

“Sounds like a plan, I’ll see you on your lunch break.” He planted one last kiss on your lips before turning away from you. 

What neither of you saw coming was what happened next. Billy only made it around the corner before he heard your mother’s stern voice. Every word made him cringe. “Y/n Wheeler! Put that shirt back on. You don’t need to just be in a bathing suit. There’s too much showing. You can swim with that shirt on; it’s old and unbecoming anyways.”

You spun around to face her, your skin was hot and you felt like you were crumbling under her gaze. Her friends were whispering to each other while she was staring at you sternly. Her hands were resting on her hips as she and all of her friends were wearing just bathing suits. Of course, they all had similar figures though. Their figures matched their fatphobic ideals. “Mom please–” Your voice came out smaller than expected. It cracked under the pressure. 

“No ‘mom-ing’ me. You can’t just walk around like that. You have too much weight on your bones for that. Where did you even get that suit? It’s hideous.” she paused for a moment. You knew she wanted you to put the shirt back on so the conversation could be over with, but you were completely frozen and mortified. Some of the other patrons at the pool were starting to notice the situation. 

“I–”

“Don’t argue now, I am your mother.”

That was the moment Billy snapped. He came flying back around the corner and placed his arm around your middle. He rested it on your hip and basically lodged himself into your side. He wanted you to know that he was right there and he was not going to back down from this situation. He had always been civil with your mother, even through her attempts to flirt with him. This he could not be civil about, he just knew that this is what you had been hiding. Mrs. Wheeler wanted people to like her and if she had known that Billy was in earshot, he doubted that she would have said anything at all out loud. “Suddenly, the self-loathing makes sense,” he started. He was staring down your mother. You were watching his face from beside him. You could see the pain and anger in his expression. “All the time Y/n asks for reassurance, and now I finally understand why. You say shit like that all the time, don’t you Mrs. Wheeler?”

“Billy. I didn’t see you th–”

“No, you didn’t. I was on the way back to my post when I heard you harassing my Y/n. I am not going to let you talk to other guests of the pool like that, especially your own kids. You need to take a big fucking look at yourself, Mrs. Wheeler. How could you put your child down like that? I constantly have to remind Y/n that they are worthy of love and attention, despite their looks of all things, and now I know it’s because of how you treat them. Don’t try to force your kids to look or dress a certain way; you’re not going to get your way, you’re just going to make them less confident in their appearance. I will tell them every day that they are beautiful if it means eventually they will start to believe it. Jonathan does the same sort of thing for Nancy. Fuck, I will spend the rest of my life trying to convince Y/n that they are gorgeous as I see them, but Y/n, Nancy, Jonathan, and I should not be responsible for undoing years of trauma, the trauma that is completely on you, by the way, if you couldn’t tell by the anger in my voice.”

Your mother was completely stunned and so were her friends. Billy Hargrove had put your mom in her place, something no one had ever done for you. You knew that she had to be pissed, but you really didn’t care. Billy just made you feel so loved at that moment that nothing else really mattered to you. “I… I had no idea that–”

“Bullshit,” Billy didn’t let her finish her thought. “All of you, out of my pool. Hawkins Pool is a safe place, and you aren’t allowed to be in it when you talk to your kids like that.”

You looked toward your mom. She looked like she wanted to fire back, but one of her friends placed a hand on her shoulder and told her to give it up. They all liked Billy, they were going to fight with him about being banned from the people. They knew if Karen kept trying she was going to get them banned for life. “I… I don’t– thank you, Billy.”

He kissed your temple though you could tell his attention was still focused on making sure your mother left the pool grounds. “Doll, if she ever says anything like that again, you tell me and we will share plenty more words that she won’t like.”

You smiled up at him. “You really are in love with me, aren’t you?”

He rolled his eyes and grabbed your chin. “Again, Doll, never doubt my feelings for you.”

End :)