#body strength

So as you all know, I am today very wise and mature woman; I say smart things, and I have good opinions. However, there was a time when I was but a wee child, with no insight, but I still had opinions. And insecurities, like all female children, I was worried about my looks.

One of the things I was upset about, was the appearance of my legs. Women's legs were shown in media as the main attraction back in the early 90s, when I was consuming movies and cartoons. Even in animation, a signal that a beautiful woman was behind the corner, was a dainty, curvy leg being shown from behind the wall, to distract and lure an unsuspecting character. My leg was not curvy or dainty. My legs looked muscular. They were also very hairy. I would look at them and feel like maybe I am not a girl enough, maybe I got too many traits passed down from my father, and now I didn't look like a girl, and I wouldn't count as one, and I could never pass a successful female cartoon character, a thing that was very important back in the day.

It's also, when you're a teen, you're convinced that any visual flaw you have is the reason why nobody will ever love you. It's funny now, but when you're 14 it feels real. So I believed I would be left behind by the world, because my legs were so unsightly and I shouldn't ever allow anyone to look at them, the disgrace. The shame.

I have since lived a fair bit of my life, and found that my legs, not only look muscular, they're very strong. They give me immensely good balance, because my feet are also large, and my thighs hold a lot of weight, so my center of balance is very low. Nobody can push me and have me topple over, I stand still. I rarely fall down because of how naturally good my balance is. I was able to go running, even after being sick for months, and I could do it for half an hour without training, just because of how naturally strong my legs are. I can do leg exercises without any issues, even without being consistent with it. Now I'm mad that my arms are so weak and I can't lift things as well as I can use my legs. My ability to walk, run, keep balance, climb, exercise, have been invaluable to my life. I'm never looking at my legs with anything but admiration because they're a powerful asset to me.

Another thing I had felt a bit bad about, was the size of my nose. I thought it was too big for my face, and it wasn't really. It was too much media with tiny nosed women that have swayed my opinion of how big women's noses are allowed to be. But, I thought I'd look better with a smaller nose, and that it was making my face be ugly, so it was a reason to drown in sorrow. (I say this jokingly. I only felt a little bad).

I look at the mirror now, and I'm laughing because this nose is big so I could breathe really well! I really thought as a teen that I would do better with a smaller nose? That's where my breathing goes trough! My lungs are, blessed and healthy, and this means I am not struggling to breathe, I am able to fall asleep breathing trough my nose easily, I can blow a lot of phlegm when I'm sick all at once, and clear my nostrils easily, this is a very functional and good nose to have! And it's the correct size for my face, I would look ridiculous with any other nose than my own.

A lot of my opinions have changed, because I've aged and experienced life, I've met a lot of people who didn't have what I had. A pair of healthy legs, a good functional nose. I've befriended people who had something wrong with their leg, or had one missing. People who struggled with breathing. I've met older people who had trouble with their hips, arms, shoulders, back, eyes, skin. I sadly, got some parts of me non-functional too, so now I can't run or walk as I used to, and I experience problems and pain on almost daily basis. So now it feels very silly to be critical of appearance of perfectly good, functioning, healthy and helpful body parts; they're giving me great joy and ability to do whatever I want with them!

And I also believe I never would think to feel shame about the appearance of my nose, or my legs, if I hadn't been exposed to media that was very particular about how women, or female characters could look. It was like being told 'this is whats expected of you', and I couldn't reach it. I was a teen, and teens are more sensitive to appearance than any other demographic. It made me distressed. There was nothing I could do but feel like something is wrong with me, and I would be proclaimed ugly because of this severe flaw. Somehow males were never subjected to standards that harsh; they would receive onscreen representation love regardless of the muscles in their legs, or sizes of their noses, I wonder why is that.

Nak’d 17 – 51