The NFL season kicked off tonight between the Dallas Cowboys and the Philadelphia Eagles, Donald Trump went after Rosie O’Donnell and threatened to take away her American citizenship, the MAGA mouth-breathers were all up in arms about Cracker Barrel changing their logo, Kim Jong Un reportedly brought his own personal toilet with him on his trip to Beijing, Trump is constantly blabbing about all of the wars he stopped, Ted Cruz popped on Newsmax yesterday to show off his authentic and not-at-all unconvincing accent, the surgeon general of Florida announced that they are doing away with vaccine mandates, and even though Robert F Kennedy Jr. and Dr. Oz claim to be against big pharma, they never miss an opportunity to cash in.

"it’s looking more and more like it may have been a mistake to put our nation’s healthcare in the hands of Mister Excuse Me While I Snort This Heroin Off This Toilet Seat And Oh By The Way, I Have No Idea How Germs Work — because one minute, everyone’s asses are working perfectly normally, and the next, it’s oh dear lord, holy fuck."