#blyp

And I found the heartbeat!! ❤️

Today turned out really good. First of all, and most important; everything is just fine with the baby, she has a healthy heartrate and is measuring just as she should.

But, I have an anterior placenta, which means, I probably never felt any sort of movement, I just think I did, I guess 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ It was the same when I was pregnant with Rebecca, and I only started feeling bubbles at 20 weeks

We didn’t get any good pictures today, because the baby had her face squished against my placenta and wouldn’t move an inch. 😂

Rebecca was a delight all the way through, even for the 45 min we had to wait before they had time for our ultrasound. Not like last time, when she constantly was asking for biscuits and interupting the technician when she was telling us about the images

Oh, and, YAY!! - today I also found out, that I’m going to be an aunt in late may. Yup, my brother and his wife is expecting their first. They got pregnant on their honeymoon, what a cliche 😂😂

I know what I felt yesterday, but.. still I get these insane thoughts, like...

I’m not really pregnant.

Every time someone new gets the news I feel like I’m lying to them or I’m jinxing it and something will happen to the baby.

My belly is only bigger because I’m eating all the time or because I’m having a phantom pregnancy

Getting pregnant this time was just too easy (didn’t require IVF, like last time) and that’s why there’s not going to be a happy ending.

Every ultrasound tecnician is playing a sick joke on me, making me think I’m pregnant and reasuring me everything is fine, when it’s really not.

Here comes another mental crisis. They just keep coming atm. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Should I spend 60$ on an extra ultrasound or use that money to actually buy something for little blyp?

It occurred to me that I haven’t bought a single item of clothing or toy just for her. And it makes me sad thinking about that.

It might still be early and we do have alot of clothing and toys from Becca, but something just for blyp... could, (maybe only in my mind) signal the fact that she’s so very wanted and wished for, and we are looking forward to having her in our arms.

It’s not that 60$ is a lot, we could spend that amount on both things, but..

I don’t know how to explain it, other than; I want to trust my body and believe that blyp is growing and thriving, but booking extra ultrasounds is kinda contradicting to that. I don’t want to stirr up some destiny shit, because of my doubts.

I’m sure I just felt a kick. You have no idea how much I needed that. 😭

And I’m pretty sure I have been feeling movement for the last few weeks. But everytime it happens I’m convincing myself that it’s just gas or my imagination. This one was unmistakable.

The next scan will be on November 20th, I really want to get a private scan, so I can see our little one again, sooner than that, but there’s no current deals and we sure could use the money for something else.

It’s causing me stress and doubts instead of reassurence.

I tried finding blyps heartbeat 3 times throughout the day, yesterday, with no luck.

On top of this, I don’t feel.. anything. I’m almost 18 weeks, and there no flutters, no bubbles, not even round ligament pain.

As people gradually get the news about my pregnancy, I feel more and more anxious about something going wrong.

Since finding out the gender, we have announced to people on facebook and both our jobs and now I feel like the biggest phony.