#blush update.

This is late, but better late than never, right? 

I guess I just haven’t felt up to updating at all, I guess nothing has been happening, I guess my life overall isn’t that fascinating; But in the last week maybe it has picked up, just a little. Maybe things have somewhat changed.

I don’t know when or how, but I stopped talking to Spencer and really, he’s kind of stopped talking to me, but I think that’s a good thing. Even if it sometimes doesn’t feel so much like one- It means he’s doing well and doesn’t need me. That’s good. I shouldn’t need him too.

In other news, I’ve made friends with Patrick and his sweet little boy, Declan. I bought him a toy dinosaur, and Patrick’s told me he’s named it Kim. Kim is a nice name. It fits, I think. While they’re still here in LA, I’ll tell Patrick about some of the parent and me classes that go on. He might find some use in one of them. Plus, a couple of familiar faces would be nice, once I get back around to volunteering.

Even if I’ll probably never have one of my own children, I can listen to Patrick’s stories about Declan. I can make friends with other people who have kids. That’ll have to be enough. It is enough.

After tour, I came home to a really large, new home with boxes stacked upon boxes... that’s what I get for having everything moved while I was away. It’s not all bad though. I get to unpack by myself, and it’s actually been a really healing experience for me; Just to see how much space there is to fill, how much space I don’t have to fill. 

I’m enjoying it, but it does get awfully quiet at night when I’m all alone. It’s awfully quiet all the time, but at least I haven’t had any attacks here so far... Hopefully the house-warming will make things feel a little less silent.

Last night I told Casey that I was postponing our little get away, and I just hope he isn’t disappointed. I hate disappointing him. It’s just, once I got home and SaraBella jumped into my lap, and the apartment was quiet, and I was alone... I didn’t want to leave again, just to be cramped up in the front seat of one of our cars. I can’t help that there’s a part of me that is truly a homebody. I will make it up to him though. I just don’t know when.

In other news, Derek and I realized we both live in LA; Which I guess isn’t too shocking. Almost everyone lives in LA.

Still, he works not too far from where I live, and I’m going to go bother him during his shift tonight. Apparently, he’d like if I did. So yeah, my Friday night will be a little less uneventful I guess. It’s a good thing.

I still haven’t seen my sister since getting back home, but we’ve text, and she seems in good spirits, which is good. Great. I’m excited for her. She deserves happiness.

Sorry I missed a week.. I was doing a lot of nothing, I guess. Drinking alone and watching ‘the Simpsons’ to pass the time.

After mine and Josh’s “little” encounter, I backed off. A lot. On nights when I’ve been drunk and lonely, I’ve text him, told him I wanted to see him. He invites me, but I always pass out before I can make any moves to go.

It’s probably for the best that I separate myself now anyway; I don’t know what it is, but I feel that there is something heavy on his mind, heavy on his heart- Maybe it’s a person, and maybe it’s not Wither way, it isn’t my business. Better I back off now, before either of us learns too much about the other. Before I get too attached. Before he loses interest.

In the less confusing realm of things, I’ve been chatting with Bert and Dallon often, they’re good company. Easy to get along with. I think that’s about it though, and Alexis and I talk when I’m not avoiding everyone. I’m trying to make more friends. Pretend I never got depressed and shut myself down. 

If I’m honest though, Casey is pretty much the only person I’ll talk to no matter my mood, but I’m not quite sure what that means. I assume it’s our history.

I’ve also spoken to Ashton. Only once. He told me he and Luke are doing well. I pretended to be happy for him.

Anyway,

I guess I can’t believe tour is almost over. Soon, the people that I’ve gotten close to, I probably won’t get to see again for a long while. In some ways that’s good, and in others- who knows. I’m not exactly looking forward to heading back to LA. In fact, I’m considering floating out on the road awhile longer by myself. 

Just to clear my head of everything that has happened.

I don’t want to take it all home with me. 

Nothing of major importance has really been happening in Emily’s life this week.

I’ve made some decisions in the past week, decisions I do hope I won’t come to regret. I haven’t spoken to Ashton or Luke at all, I feel I have nothing else to say, or maybe I have too much to say… but it doesn’t matter, maybe our friendships are over. Who’s to know.

Casey has been good company. He’s one of my best friends and we don’t have to talk about anything at all to talk, I’m thankful for that. Very thankful. I need that kind of connection more than ever. Spending more time with him more has been a good decision.

In other news, I guess I’ve been casually seeing Josh. He’s easy to be around, he doesn’t expect anything from me- he just treats me: To good times, to good wine, to good head. He’s so good. He makes me feel in ways I never have before. He makes me feel desirable.

I’m not a child when we’re together, I’m a woman. His “little one,” his “kitten,” his “princess.” He hushes the other parts of me, and it is pleasent. We are pleasent. We are casual. Maybe he’s a rebound, but he’s definitely a friend. I haven’t been taking Nia or Ashley’s advice in the endeavour, but I think it’s time I stop expecting other people to lead me anyway.

I’m not exactly having a rough time, so much as a complicated time. Nothing has changed between Spencer and I, we talk. He apologizes. I check up on him. I want to feed him, but I know I can’t. I just want to help. I just want what’s best for him. I just want him to allow himself to experience growth.

He’s got a girlfriend and that’s good. It’s someone to take care of him. I just wish he would open up to her, the way he opens up to me. Maybe they’d have a better shot at a happy ending. The one we never got to have. The one I’m fighting day in, and day out to not think about.

In other news, Norman has been keeping me company. Much like he always has, and it’s like we never broke up. He’s attentive, kind and gentler than he looks. He’s good for making me laugh, good for making me feel special. Good for helping me forget about how the walls close in. We’re good at being friends, better than we were at being lovers. At least, I think so.

Regardless of all this interest of vast neutrality in my own life, therapy this morning didn’t go too well.

 My real doctor often sets me up with doctors for when I’m touring. They are the same whenever I visit, but I never am.

I have changed. My life has changed. My world has changed. My phobias have changed. 

They suggest pills and a different career, I suggest they let me keep some control over, well, me. I was late to the venue today because I kept thinking the elevators were going to crush me and couldn’t get out of the hospital, once I got in it... nothing to out of the ordinary for me, though.

I’m trying not to drown in my regrets, trying to enjoy sets and make friends, but I really rather just be alone. I don’t think that requires medication. I think it requires a hotel room, and much earned relaxation. Tour is no joke when it comes to being worn out. Tonight I’ll burn some sage and listen to white noise for a few hours.

.oo2

This is going to be short and sporadic, because I’m exhausted.

I’ve been laying in my bunk in the dark, drinking wine, mostly because I feel like I need too, not because I want to, and the music is soft and sad..

It’s been a long week and I’m so, so tired..

Things between Ashton, Luke and I finally reached a head and now things are weird; I can barely speak to either of them anymore. Today is Ash’s birthday, but things just don’t feel the same, and I haven’t gone to see him. 

He sent roses and I’ve told him his apology is accepted, but I’m not sure I mean it yet.

I’ve found myself developing something I can’t explain yet for Alex; And there’s this attraction to David, that I seem to feel only in my deepest depressions, he makes things int he dark there comfortable for me. 

Chrissy has stopped texting me.

Nia dropped a bombshell on me tonight, but I won’t go into detail about it.

Long story short, things with pretty much every member of 5SOS are weird, and I miss my parents, and I wish I’d fall asleep and never wake up..

With every hour, I feel less myself, less Rena, less Lovrenlis, and more..Odd.

Emily is settling into everything fairly well, so far. 

It’s very different for her to be touring with so many people, on a festival that’s so large scale- but she’s excited. 

Her time’s filled by getting connected with new people, running into some old flames and reconnecting with family and friends that she hasn’t seen in a long while. Not to mention, re-working her set list a million times.